oh, and btw, chlo, have u noticed the common abbreviation for this site? irony, anyone?

and i need to take a pill to make this town feel okay so. do you know how hard it is not to do things you promised not to? especially when school is here and nothing could make me feel better than to get out of it for a while. no, i'm not feeling it now, just getting the piled-up emotions from the last few days out. so i realized something has happened this year that also happened last year- there's a hottie im my homeroom and one in my math class. not like any of you care, im just letting you know. my stomach hurts. psychosomatic symptoms? ha. i'm not the one who's nervous as hell... maybs im picking them up from you. its slightly funny how many different 'you's i refer to here... anyway. i have a strange habit now of talking to you when im really stressed or really feeling the pressure... even though ur not there and its slightly creeping me out. but anyway. i was blatantly flirting with CC this afternoon right b4 i left school. hes the hottie in my hmrm. it was pretty funny, especially seeing as i dont like him that much anymore. oh well who says i cant have a little fun... well wish me luck with school, i'll need it i've started writing lyrics, too. theyre kinda crappy but ohwell peace love pineapples Raiya

then they're things that you miss i've always loved that line. Matchbox Twenty is amazing

well. i'm back, as of last night. I've been in Maine since Friday. i know i told you that, chlo, i'm NOT ignoring you. [i could NEVER ignore you.] anyway.... i had a ton to say, seeing as i havent posted in FOREVER. and i planned it all out last night... and then i forgot. sooo.. not much happening today. =/ i have a lovely blister on my right thumb where i burned it... i put an empty mug (which i thot was full) in the microwave.... yeah. not fun. i have never in my life experienced such pain. it hurt like all hell. my entire right hand felt like it was on fire for a full day. but anyhoo... its so frickin cold in my house.. and im still in my PJ's :) but i am content with myself, for a while at least. which is good. best of luck to ya, chica. i'm always here for you. [you know who you are] peace love and pineapples, Zaraiya!

i'm just gone beyond repair so. i'm at mieolhc's house. we're listening to Never Too Late, 3 day's grace. good song. my stomach hurts. bleh. i cleaned my desk today. i feel good now :) school starts in 2 wks exactly. yuck. i had an "insight into my psyche" the other night- i figured out why i like cities so much. there's actually enough emotions in those places to make me feel them. to fill my emptiness. i actually feel whole. and i had another one last night while i was on the phone- all i want from a relationship is commitment. but i'll never be able to give total commitment myself. what with my being able to pick apart my emotions, some little part of me will doubt my love for any guy. so i will never truly be able to open up completely to anyone. omg, chloe's dancing. anyhoo... grr. lost my train of thought. somebody come say hello- KittyKat_13@verizon.net might be back later, might not. hugs! peace luv pineapples!

i think i pissed her off... crap.

i should get her help but help would only hurt her more what do i do? i'm falling apart. for her. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! it HAS to stop. and don't you feel guilty when you read this. it's not your fault.

but do i like the cake? that won't make sense unless you've read Touching Spirit Bear by Ben Mikaelsen...which you should. incredibly good book. but anyhoo. did i mention i bought black and white "gingham" emo gloves w/ red bows on them? ..they sound so girly, described like that. but they're really cool. i painted my nails to match- alternating black +red... such fun. i also bought A Lesson In Romantics. i absolutely love it. Mayday Parade is now my hero :) grr. they were HERE a few days ago with Warped Tour... AND I COULDNT GO! i'll go cry in solitude... not really. wat WILL make me cry sbout not seeing is Projekt Revolution... Linkin Park. MCR. Saosin. and more!! all in one place!! at one time!! gaah its the concert of a lifetime!! ..and it's on my mum's birthday. bah. "the answer boils down to 'fat chance'." grr. not cool. "does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?" oh and Mel, your episode of loneliness the other night? i get those all the time. its no big deal. you get used to it, scary as it sounds. i never wanted to feel that way ever again either. yet... i realized a few weeks ago that All That I'm Living For (evanescence) sounds an awful lot like a description of dissociation... did you notice that, chlo? gawd. still afraid of being cornered alone with my mother... how much does she know? how much did she read? how much can i trust her? all the what-ifs are coming back full force. i haven't felt right since friday. i'll probly never feel the same again. there's nothing quite like having your trust in someone shattered. ...not that i ever really trusted her anyway. =/ i don't think i can deal with this now. school starts in 2 or 3 weeks. my friends... well, lets not go there. each has their own troubles that i really dont want to get involved in.. Chloe's parents. Tay's boy. Anna's brother, if he's not ok by now. Kel's... well Kel is Kel so she always has something to bitch about. Sneha's "NetNanny" that she complains about. and then there's me... ha. little old almost-emo me. i started hating my (NEW!) gloves last night. or was it the night before last? i have no idea wat day it is anymore. but anyway. oh! it was Friday. EVERYTHING happened on friday. my dad asked me, "do u consider yourself emo?" and i was like, "not really... i'm just me." but... i dont want to be labeled. i just want to be me. but by wearing them, i'll be labeled EMO. i'm already labeled a GEEK. is it impossible to just be ME?? (thats a rhetorical question, btw. the answer is a resounding NO.) i also realized the other day how long it's been since i hugged anyone and they meant it. i always mean it. but they, whoever they are, never do. i'm there if they break down and fall, but... if i fall on them they'll catch me too late. i started writing lyrics. they're pretty crappy. but meh... they're saying the truth. they'll never be sung, but at least they're there. well sorry bout the extremely long rant tonight. just had so much come up.... peace love and pineapples

i just realized how long it was since the last time i posted... ...and how good it felt to spill everything to complete strangers. thx to all... listening to Thunder, Boys Like Girls. love that song. Projekt Revolution on the 24th. trying to convince the 'rents to let me go. wish me luck, kids...

oh god. its at times like this that i wish i could still believe. the reason? my mother read my journal/diary. not this one- my actual, honest-to-goodness diary. and now she almost knows something i've been trying to keep from her from months. all my care in covering it up. blown in a day. in less than five minutes. i swear i could cry. i'm not sure what bothers me more, though- the fact that she knows, or the fact that she read the stupid diary. i'll never write in it again, thats for sure. i can't trust her anymore. i don't feel safe with my soul bared in that thing. i don't feel safe leaving it alone with her. i feel SO unsafe that i brought it to my friend's house and left it there. if i keep it here, who's to say she won't go read it again? and she wants me to be able to talk to her. hate to break it to ya, but i haven't been able to truly talk to you in years. I just can't trust her! and... that's that. there is no "and" anything. i can't trust her and that's the end of the story. i'm going to New Hampshire with my friend's family for a couple days next week. i can't wait to get out of my house and not have to deal with my parents. they have a separate guest house up there and i'm hoping i can somehow get it to myself. just me, myself, and i. and my music. a house of my own, for two or three or four days. now wouldn't that be nice? ahhh well. chances are i'll be sharing a room with my friend. but, that'll be all right. my parents won't be there, so i will be free. absolutely free. i can't wait to feel that weight lift from my shoulders.... but anyways. getting rambly. Taylor- its up to you what you do now. ask him out, but only if that's what you really want. if he's worth liking, he'll respect your feelings. give him a few days and he'll be fine with it, i think. he's cool like that. whatever you do, though, think before you act. don't make the same mistakes I did. good luck, kiddo. anyways I must go, i think. lunchtime, loveys. food... "yummy!" as always, yours truly, much love, yadda yadda yadda. Peace, Love, and Pineapples, Zaraiya