i'd like to get off who knew i could quote Calvin and Hobbes when i'm kinda weirding out? especially when the quote comes from Hobbes (a stuffed animal, a tiger) when he's all dizzy from being in the dryer, not a kid who feels like their life is spiraling out of control... my head feels like its gonna frickin split open. gaah. is it a headache, stress, or something i invented so i'd have something to write about? i dont know. i dont care. so for some (strange) reason i am finding myself drawn to this kid at camp. dunno why- i mean, Nathan- aka Emo Hottie cuz he was wearin all black the first day, also from camp - is by FAR better looking. so why Patrick? again, ikd + id(really)c. lol, it feels weird using their first names instead of nicknames i've made up for reference, seeing as i've barely talked to either of them. come to think of it, i've barely talked to anyone at camp. go figure. but so yeah. thats really all i can think of to say. Kyle (who sits next to me and who looks like TW) is really nice and has awesome shoes. but he's pretty ugly, and seems to be goin out w/ Allison. havent talked to her either. odd, isnt it, that the only two girls in a program otherwise full of guys arent talking to each other? (not on purpose, i assume. i'm just bad at starting convos- i told her i liked her shoes and she said thanks. that was my entire interaction w/ her 2day.) its funny, despite not knowing anyone in my group, i havent gotten in-a-crowd-and-all-alone feelings yet. which i suppose is good... =/ had another spat w/ mum this morning... only four years till i can move out...counting down the days grr. she'll be home any minute now. :( i prolly oughts to go, since i kinda have nuthin left to say... email me- KittyKat_13@verizon.net i'd luv sum1 to talk to. well, my friend is on the fone. gots to go. pc luv + pineappls raiya

and i dont know why... but im not crazy im just a little unwell i know, right now you cant tell but stay a while, baby, then you'll see a different side of me how true... stay long enough and you'll see i'm the exact opposite of what i seem. im not as bubbly as you think i am, guys. it's been a long time since i last posted... so i'll try to keep this brief. went to camp in NH, which actually took us to ME; went whitewater rafting; fell out of the raft. thats right. i frickin fell out of the raft. it was AWESOME. went back to ME, w/ family; 'twas fun. now im here, wishing i was somewhere else. almost. im going to a day camp now. it has a digital photo effects program that im taking. super awesome.. id post pics if i could. but i dont know how :( hottie count for today is up to 2... much better record than the lat weeks. i averaged 3 in the last 2 wks. now 2 in a day.. feeling lucky? maybs? so yeah. my dissociation is getting better, i think.. which only means its not as frequent. good? bad? i dunno... i kinda like floating. i dont have to put up w/ evry1 else, just me. remember 'depression to the point of clarity'? thats really my dissociation. lovely, isnt it? and i LIKE it. scary? maybs. not to me. comfortable. familiar. something that actually feels like home. ehhh well... happier things. his name is Patrick. and his name is Nathan. hotties from camp. Patrick looks like a Pat. Nathan doesnt look like a Nate. watevs. i sound like SUCH a girly girl. a ditzy blond girly girl. worse than *A*- she's a blond girlygirl but SHE'S not ditzy. and i'm not blond. haha. well anyway i have to go do dishes. dad's not feeling well and mom is out, so it falls to me... *sigh* maybs i'll bback 2morro. maybs not. peace, love, and pineapples, Zaraiya :) quote of the week: "this is Ultimate Adventure, not Ultimate Frickin' Shopping!!"

it turns out, through self-diagnosis and the opinion of a friend, that i am mildly dissociative. luvly. so my dissociation scares you. you scare me. we're even. i don't mind it so much... it's more comfortable than being connected to the world. but anyway... my cousin comes tonight!! yay! and then i'm leaving tomorrow for camp, so i wont be posting for about a week. sorry. i know i'm just soooo entertaining... NOT. sooo yeah. apparently, my group for camp is staying in tents in MAINE. not in camp. in freaking MAINE. 5 hours from home. is that far enough away? [probably not] maybs a week of strenous activity will alleviate my dissociation. i like big words. yay! but yeah... i'm bored. email me- KittyKat_13@verizon.net luv always. peace luv and pineapples....

i was having such a good time last night. then my dad asked me to watch his laptop so i sat there next to it while he went off somewhere and i watched all my friends having fun like six feet away from me. i felt cut off from... everything, i guess. and everything just rolled in... then later, dad said we were going to leave in like 15 minutes. we all went and gave our bowling shoes back. i must have looked sad or angry cuz *A* was like, "what's wrong?" so of course i said, "nothing". i made it seem like it was just that i was leaving in 15 minutes that made me all sad and crap... but it wasnt just that. i've been on edge for the last... oh, i dunno, three or four days. anticipating a breakdown that wouldn't come. and last night, it came. partially, anyway. i think there's gonna be another, a bigger one, within the next week. (especially if i keep listening to Disenchanted three times a day =P) but seriously... multiple personalities, much. one is bracing for the breakdown. another fights the breakdown back. the third watches the others a keeps up a running commentary. i'm insane? possibly. i need a therapist? definitely. i'm going to ask my parents to put me in therapy? never. well, you want to be a psychiatrist, don't you? here i am, your first patient... and now i just spilled a lot to a guy i don't really know, and i'm not even sure why. i just sort of did. i mean, E is a good guy, but do i really want him knowing i'm screwed up? fuck it all. i'm on a seesaw, emotionally. up and down, up and down... mood swings. PMS? dont know. wouldn't tell you if i did. human emotions suck.