had a dream that i died... don't know how, all i know is i was going to die. and then, as soon as i closed my eyes in my dream, i opened them irl only to get blinded by the fuckin sun through my window. ughhhh :/

i've always dreamed about finding true love; someone whom i could spend the rest of my life with. i never bother setting out to seek out though because i believe love just happens, it's never found and it never finds you. it's mutual; that's the best way i can put it. these are all just my beliefs, of course. when i think of finding and maintaining love, i'm thinking idealistically. i just sat down to think about it realistically and it just doesn't sound as appealing or as romantic. i'm still in high school, i'll be in 10th grade this year... let's say i do find some great girl and date her all throughout high school, which would be pretty challenging in itself. after that though, you have to worry about college which can end the relationship anyway, getting split up due to different colleges. but, yet again, through some sort of miracle, we end up at the same colleges or colleges very close by each other. plausible enough. at this point we might have moved in together and having a place to live = paying bills and paying for living expenses. so that means we are probably both working a job... so we've got a job and we've got college, but yet we still have to make room for each other. it just sounds like something else to attend to, something else to keep you busy and make life even more hectic. so then, through a lot of hard work and perseverance (and a shit load of luck) we both make it through college together. at this point, we're probably both considering a better full time job and moving into a house as opposed to our current apartment. i mean, what's the point of falling in love (noticed i said finding love, not dating) in high school or even college? i think it sounds like you're just setting yourself up for failure. i dream about finding the right girl every now and then, but thoughts like this just make me want to stay alone forever sometimes (or at least until after college). and life doesn't get any easier then, you've still got bills and work. so it's just as busy... in the back of my mind, i'm still afraid of getting hurt by someone. i think i'm gonna play a game now so i don't have to think about these thoughts anymore.

you know i don't hate my life. i mean, i'm sure there are lots of people out there, given the opportunity, would gladly switch places with me. i think i just hate living. i feel like it's got no point... i just keep breathing to see what tomorrow brings. feels like such a pointless existence.

the days all just blur together, i forget what i did yesterday because i wasn't sure if i did that the day before. once school starts (soon) that feeling will mostly change, but life will suck just as hard prolly. what's the point? high school's gay.

whenever i start to get depressed or sad, i disassociate. i wonder why? i kinda feel like deleting fucking everything on this journal.

god made us in his image, right? that explains it all... at the core, he is just as evil, tainted, and greedy as us. you can try to get around this and say we fell from grace, but no, i don't believe so. humans, at the core, have always been evil. like father, like son... there's a reason. take this with a grain of salt, of course. just an observation.

1. i was outside one day and there were flies and gnats everywhere. they're so annoying, right? like what are they good for? sure, other things eat them, but other than that they are just a pain in the ass. then i thought to myself: what are we good for? 2. life is told to be such a gift and such a blessing, but it seems all we try to do is escape it. television, music, the internet, everything. it's all an escape from reality. if life is such a blessing, how come we are trying to run away from it? maybe we don't truly appreciate it (which is possible) or perhaps it isn't all that of a blessing (which is also possible). or perhaps life and reality are two separate ideas, two different tangents. maybe life is what we enjoy, and perhaps reality is what we are expected to do. none of it makes sense, why must we do the things we are required to do? why haven't people questioned it? i mean i am sure people have, but how come no one finds an answer? is there an answer?