had a dream that i died... don't know how, all i know is i was going to die. and then, as soon as i closed my eyes in my dream, i opened them irl only to get blinded by the fuckin sun through my window. ughhhh :/

i've always dreamed about finding true love; someone whom i could spend the rest of my life with. i never bother setting out to seek out though because i believe love just happens, it's never found and it never finds you. it's mutual; that's the best way i can put it. these are all just my beliefs, of course. when i think of finding and maintaining love, i'm thinking idealistically. i just sat down to think about it realistically and it just doesn't sound as appealing or as romantic. i'm still in high school, i'll be in 10th grade this year... let's say i do find some great girl and date her all throughout high school, which would be pretty challenging in itself. after that though, you have to worry about college which can end the relationship anyway, getting split up due to different colleges. but, yet again, through some sort of miracle, we end up at the same colleges or colleges very close by each other. plausible enough. at this point we might have moved in together and having a place to live = paying bills and paying for living expenses. so that means we are probably both working a job... so we've got a job and we've got college, but yet we still have to make room for each other. it just sounds like something else to attend to, something else to keep you busy and make life even more hectic. so then, through a lot of hard work and perseverance (and a shit load of luck) we both make it through college together. at this point, we're probably both considering a better full time job and moving into a house as opposed to our current apartment. i mean, what's the point of falling in love (noticed i said finding love, not dating) in high school or even college? i think it sounds like you're just setting yourself up for failure. i dream about finding the right girl every now and then, but thoughts like this just make me want to stay alone forever sometimes (or at least until after college). and life doesn't get any easier then, you've still got bills and work. so it's just as busy... in the back of my mind, i'm still afraid of getting hurt by someone. i think i'm gonna play a game now so i don't have to think about these thoughts anymore.

you know i don't hate my life. i mean, i'm sure there are lots of people out there, given the opportunity, would gladly switch places with me. i think i just hate living. i feel like it's got no point... i just keep breathing to see what tomorrow brings. feels like such a pointless existence.

the days all just blur together, i forget what i did yesterday because i wasn't sure if i did that the day before. once school starts (soon) that feeling will mostly change, but life will suck just as hard prolly. what's the point? high school's gay.

whenever i start to get depressed or sad, i disassociate. i wonder why? i kinda feel like deleting fucking everything on this journal.

god made us in his image, right? that explains it all... at the core, he is just as evil, tainted, and greedy as us. you can try to get around this and say we fell from grace, but no, i don't believe so. humans, at the core, have always been evil. like father, like son... there's a reason. take this with a grain of salt, of course. just an observation.

1. i was outside one day and there were flies and gnats everywhere. they're so annoying, right? like what are they good for? sure, other things eat them, but other than that they are just a pain in the ass. then i thought to myself: what are we good for? 2. life is told to be such a gift and such a blessing, but it seems all we try to do is escape it. television, music, the internet, everything. it's all an escape from reality. if life is such a blessing, how come we are trying to run away from it? maybe we don't truly appreciate it (which is possible) or perhaps it isn't all that of a blessing (which is also possible). or perhaps life and reality are two separate ideas, two different tangents. maybe life is what we enjoy, and perhaps reality is what we are expected to do. none of it makes sense, why must we do the things we are required to do? why haven't people questioned it? i mean i am sure people have, but how come no one finds an answer? is there an answer?

i might as well write in here again, maybe i'll get some enjoyment out of it. it's a sunday night and i'm alone like usual. i don't care being alone though, i actually like it. i'm not too terribly shy or antisocial or whatever you wanna call it but i tend to judge people i meet and label them as stupid or vapid before even talking to them. it's not that i think i'm the shit or that i'm super smart, it's just it seems everyone i meet is dumb, and i don't feel it's ever gonna change. hopefully someone will prove me wrong. it's like no one is open anymore. my friend spent the night last night. one of my other buddies was supposed to come to but he didn't have a ride. yeah. i have to mow grass tomorrow which is a drag kinda but it's an easy 20 bucks. NOTICE: some of my arguments are heavily based around some of qualiasoup's videos on youtube. you should go watch them, they are pretty fantastic. a lot my arguments are also aimed more at christians than any other religious group. anyway, the reason i'm writing this is because a lot of people have misconceptions of god, religion, and faith. it's not that god isn't real, it's just that i don't believe in him. i personally think he isn't real, but if he was i still wouldn't believe in him. a god that shows no proof of its existence yet demands you believe in him undoubtedly and devote your life to him and aspire to achieve the greatness of heaven but doesn't leave behind or show ONE BIT OF HIS EXISTENCE is a tool. oh, and to top it all off, he punishes you if you don't believe. thanks man, i couldn't see why someone wouldn't believe.. oh wait, yes i can. there's no evidence. there really isn't any solid evidence of his existence. you can say there is a bible, but there is other religious books equivalent to the bible that talk about god/s so why aren't they real? hell, what if i write a book about chuck norris being god so it can be real? it's a laod of shit. if you're a born again christian, it should make a CHANGE in your life. there should be a difference between you and your old self. i'm not talking about like, "oh yeah, i changed a lot.. i pray now and i believe in god and love god..." no. i mean a change in your LIFE. your whole life should be devoted to god, he demands it. nothing can be placed ahead of him. you can try to argue "well the bible isn't supposed to be taken literately, it's just guidelines and by modern standard not all of it should be followed!" but that has nothing to do with it, now does it? you half-hearted christians make me sick, you're no different from me except you just conform because you are too weak to think for yourself. religion in itself is just a sign of weakness, it's an imaginary friend for people of all ages and people all around the world. it's a big crutch for those who can't think for themselves so they have something to believe in. it will be the last thing to go extinct because it has been ingrained into our very world. the whole reason gods existed was to explain things we couldn't rationally explain. why are we still believing? i don't understand. so when you pray for something and it happens and there is no explanation as to why it happened, that doesn't mean god did it. it simply means there isn't any explanation for it. and when you try to say "oh no, god did it, i prayed for it!" okay... fine, but that is a contradiction. you can't explain it happening yet you can explain it, all because you prayed to god? also, other gods were made up before the christian god so why don't we pray to them? why not? hell, a lot of gods existed before the christian god so he can't possibly be real since he wasn't the first. there are billions of other gods out there, WHY NOT THEM? you have no reason, you have no faith, only excuse because you need to conform because you are too afraid to be different and that's the straight fucking truth. you know what, even though i do not believe in it whatsoever i extend my hand to ANY devoted christian. why? because it takes guts to be a DEVOTED christian, it's a different lifestyle and it requires devotion to a being that i feel is imaginary but whatever, i extend my hand because it is a rare occasion that i run into a true christian who is willing to actually follow their religion and not skip over the things they dislike. i'm gonna say 80% of christians, the main reason they believe, is because they are too afraid to believe in anything else or because they can't think for themselves. it's all conformity, it's a big illusion to make us feel like our life has purpose but it doesn't. our existence is meaningless. accept it and get over it.

i'm not feeling well right now at all. my head kind of hurts and i'm disassociating really bad and i want it to stop. i don't feel real at the moment and i hate it, i feel like i'm third person. this use to happen to me a lot at random and it would be worse than this, but a lot shorter. the disassociation would be far more intense but much shorter... this is the exact opposite, less intense but much longer. i don't know when it is going to stop but it's so annoying. it's less worse now thankfully, head is still bugging me. anyway, i wanted to write in this for some reason. i know i'll think it is stupid just reading over it a month from now or even a day from now but whatever, that's just life. i mostly wanted to write about what a lot of people (it seems like everybody) is concerned about: happiness. some people say true happiness is found through love or a significant other and i guess in a way that is true. sure, i think there is a definite happiness that comes out of love but that is only because we crave security and stability, which is what people or things we love bring us. i honestly think that happiness is a choice. people say there are reasons to be happy, reasons to be sad, reasons to be angry and the like. it's all just a choice, isn't it? i mean something might happen to you that could be a setback, like getting a bad grade on a big test at school or fucking up a job interview or whatever. but it's your choice to feel bad because of it, right? i guess there is a pro and con to everything, but how you feel because of an event is all up to you. i don't have a lot of reasons to be happy by most people's standards... sure, materially, i have the internet, a computer, TV, video games, the like. but i don't have many friends, i have like 2 that i see on a somewhat regular basis, and i don't have a girlfriend and haven't now for a while. i'm also a pretty shy person and can tend to be very awkward in social situations on occasion. i don't get out very often and physically i'm not perfect. still, i choose to be happy and accept myself. it's better than feeling like shit, right? sure, i could feel like shit all the time, just focus on the negatives and focus on what goes wrong and shit but you know what that would make me? a whiny bitch who just wants pity. it's the truth and you know it. happiness most of the time is a choice and so is being depressed. i've been depressed before (perhaps not true clinical depression but depressed enough to know what the word means for sure) and looking back my life was actually pretty damn good at the point i was depressed. i was just too busy being a bitch and focusing on negative things. i mean fuck, you have two options with negatives: fix them or ignore them. that's the straight shit right there, man. and if you ignore them you're more likely to focus on the happy things, which in turn will make you a happier person. i'm not saying ignore your problems or anything, but just choose to be happy. most of the things i regret doing or saying were when i was in a bad mood or when i wasn't happy. i don't regret many things when i'm happy although it's possible. i find that most people, when happy, are more open and more likely to tell things they might not tell if they weren't in such a good mood. this can come back to bite you in the ass but so can saying something wrong when in a bad mood or being rude. i can truthfully say i'm not just putting on a fake smile because i'm choosing to feel good, it's really that simple. anyone who's out there saying "lol my life sux im so fat im a loser lol" just needs to shut up and start being happy! happiness is up to you, not anyone else.

how do people find time to write in this? i just don't get it. maybe i can't do it cuz nothing ever happens to me worth writing about it.