[21]LAPUSH “On your side teach me the real thing No time to think of the old scene Say my name when you want to, it’s just fine I’m still here, forever in your arms Write your name in the stars, I am trying to heal your heart On your side let’s talk about everything Got no time for words that you’ve already heard Say my name when you want to, you just leave when you want to We’re still here, we’re still alive Write your name in the stars, I am trying to heal your heart Write your name… (when all you need is someone who is listening)” Oh my God. ;^; This song is wonderful. I love to think this song is for me. Healing my incapable, insecure heart. And while these words aren’t an instant fix, they’re beautiful, and comforting. As is the presence of a friend. It would be indescribable to have a friend like these guys.

[20]I'll open all the windows Blag. Why does it feel so hard to talk to people, even when it’s to somebody I really want to be close to?

[19] There's something magical about spending time late at night with someone. In silence, or deep conversation, it's all beautiful. Nights spent alone are.. I can't bring myself to say wonderful. If you're in the mood to contemplate in solitude, perhaps looking out a window to the stars, it's pretty cool. But to lay awake in want of company is simply depressing.

[18] There was this anime which, aside from humor, held a valuable item for me. This quote, "Not all people can become happy. Because happiness corrupts people. We adapt to the happiness we obtained once, and pursue even greater happiness. We're greedy, aren't we? That's why people are able to feel pain. If people don't feel sad, they won't know what happiness is. Despite the contradiction." Numbness, apathy. Emotion and empathy. Do these work the same way? The person I'm quoting hated the unstable nature of emotion. They preferred to just exist, passively and apathetically. ..It seems redundant to say, because I've thought this so many times. I don't want to "just exist". This apathetic life is dry and distasteful. Mundane. Routine. Naturally, as the antagonist, this person was wrong.. Looking at it now it sounds like they were describing an addiction. More! The reality, as the anime tried to portray, is that happiness doesn't work quite like this. It can't quite be measured. I interpret it as a status. The idea was, if you're not alone, peace can be found even while you're sad. Because of Love. And this is as far as I'm going to take it. Logic cannot be easily applied to emotion in general. To "figure out" Love by such an approach is madness. . . Sometimes, it strikes me as truly strange that I'm an artist. Maybe because artist as a mindset and artist as an occupation are completely different things. Yet if you asked me, neither trait can survive alone.

[17]Away. Another old entry I wrote. I rather like it. .// “You don’t have to be alone. It’s all worth reaching for, It’s all worth reaching for.” Frankly I have nothing to say.. Story of my life (take that very literally), right? I could delve into random muses to pass the time. ..No, I used to be capable of that. Not anymore. I was a rather weird kid, I realize now. I could lay around with a friend spending the night, and break into these incredible philosophical-like tangents. The only subjects I can remember anymore were the galaxies. And black holes. We knew some impressive trivia, I’ll tell you. And we could run with it. We could run far. I miss that. The night, and that part of me. The night was always there. In junior high, when I would stay up to ridiculous hours drawing in Photoshop, and waiting to speak with a friend living in Malaysia. Living on Dr. Pepper and Hershey bars. Beautiful thing, the night. And the glows. The music. Company. Not anymore.. Now the night is rushing through assignments and projects, no relief of waking up in the PM the next day, only loss of sleep and dreams. The music is still around.. but it doesn’t reach me. It fills in the background. But I live for poetry. The ethereal. Ironically, the poorly motivated state I now survive in leaves me with little “time” to look up these tiny paragraphed elixirs. Thusly moderated, they don’t grow faint.

[16]There's a party by the bay. Rain! December rain is the best to dance in. It's the only time of year that gets cool here. But I can't dance to save my life, so I'll just open a window. =] I love the rain. You have no idea.

[15]Well I'm here, with you. It’s one of those nights I look out the window, and imagine I can hear the echoes of someone calling out to me. But it’s too faint to understand. It’s so still. I'm seeing this everywhere. "Find your own happiness." So I'm trying to find out whether there's a reason I don't want to, or if I'm just incompetent. It's a WIP. (but looks like the latter, interpret at will)

[14]I know it's hard to hear me out again. Taking the easy way out and catching up via other sites I've used lately. [See below.] This has been the longest week. I just can't find anything to do. Motion City Soundtrack and Relient K are love. That is all.

[12] A friend once told me it was ironic; “Usually artists are the more liberal, social types, and people like engineers are quieter and such. But you’re exactly the opposite.” And as he points it out, I realize he’s right. So.. I’m working at it. Slowly, but there may be hope for me yet.

[Eleventh Entry] I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Wants to make a favorable impression and be recogn..."

Click here to read the rest of the results. Yeah, that sums it up pretty well. "Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on his resources." Hooly crap. Dead on with my attitude towards drawing. "Resists mediocrity and sets himself high standards." The other reason I never get any art done, precisely. The results seem more accurate when you just pick the first colors you notice. And use the break timer to forget your order. Nothing else worth mentioning. Life is mundane incarnated.