[Fifth Entry]And I felt good about myself. Ah! Foiled again! For such an optimistic evening to be dashed, once again, by a Monday. Honestly. UVERworld makes me happy. The great thing about listening to music in other languages, is that you can't get caught up in the lyrics. All you can understand is the pure mood of the music.

[Fourth Entry]Our souls are searching through the cold. Hmm. Novice is a wonderful band. The vocals get a little bland after a few loops, but the lyrics are incredible, so I don't mind. I'm lying awake tonight These days go by so slow Your picture staring down at me It's singing me to sleep You are the sweetest thing (sweetest thing) I've ever seen You make all the gray fade away, you bring color to my life Cause time stands still when you're around You can make the stars call out your name You can make the ocean waves calm Cause time stands still when you're around And every thought of you gives me hope to see this through another day And you're so beautiful and I'm coming clean This is more than I can take and when I sleep I dream of you So don't let go Cause I'm holding on to every thought of you ~ I guess I'm a pessimist. Every time I hear the last line of the chorous in that song, it kills me. Because every thought reminds me of what I'm lacking, and I dread waking to that emptiness again and again in the morning. Yet, I listen to it over and over again anyway. The absolute irony of it all, though, is that I know I'm not ready to get into a relationship yet. There's so much of myself that I need to work on first. Or, just maybe, that's what I tell myself because it means I can procrastinate. I don't have to risk anything. I can be lazy. Guh. It's sickening to think that's the case. But on the other hand, we could stop at "That's just what I tell myself." Then I'm open.

[Third Entry]I'm drowning in my sleep. Those lines.. "I'm drowning in my sleep," took on an entirely.. new, meaning a few nights ago. Oh, this will be difficult to explain. To set the mood; through a string of events I found myself browsing cutscenes from the games Tales of Destiny 2 and Tales of the Abyss. Destiny 2 has a particularly.. romantic theme to it. Especially the 9th scene. (It's on youtube, if you don't mind a lack of subtitles. It was only released in Japan.) It was pretty dramatic. Really sad, actually. Now, the previous night, I don't know quite what was wrong. But I was incredibly depressed when I tried to go to sleep. It was somewhat painful; lonely. It was confusing though, because my head was thinking this was ridiculous, I shouldn't be dramatic, but it felt like my heart disagreed. Literally, hurt felt. The night after, when I rewatched the videos, it was almsot the same thing. Except I tried to push that aside a little because there were a lot of things being sorted out in my head that night. ..hm. There's truly no better way to say it. Drowning in my sleep. Beautiful lines.. Gah. This is so insufficient. I regret that I don't have the time to write this out coherently.. There was just one more significant incident that occurred today. I was with a friend, and a friend of hers saw us. He came to greet her, and asked how she was doing. It really surprised me. She always seems to be in a good, optimistic mood. She answered: "Not so good." "Why?" "I haven't found him yet." This was..definitely a side of her I had never seen. I still don't even know what to think of it-- Because, if anyone had asked me the same question, in my heart that would have been exactly the same answer. (With the obvious exception of "him," and rather, "her".) I would never admit that though, because I don't want anybody to feel sorry for me, or worry about me. Seeing somebody sad is the thing I hate the most, the last thing I will see is somebody sad for my sake, or at my expense. Also because, I might love her. Talking with her is amazing. It absolutely makes my day. Because she always seems to have that cheerful attitude, and seeing her happy makes me happy. So, hearing this was almost as if an opportunity had opened up. But I don't know what to think, because if she's like me, and she really is sad because she hasn't found "him," but just acts cheerfully. . . Perhaps I'll tidy up the entry tomorrow. It's 3:00AM, on a school night, with about four hours of testing to deal with in the morning. Ugh.

[Second Entry.]Searching for answers in the clouds. So.. I got Hello Alone by Anberlin. Now I feel like driving out to California or Virginia. Just for the sake of it. Driving by night and sleeping through the day, alone with my music. You know what I mean if you've had the feeling. Ah.. Can't wait for summer to come around again. I desperately miss the nights I could just stay up as long as I wished listening to music or drawing. So often these last few weeks I've been getting lost in thought only to glance at the clock and force myself to quit, lest I get five hours of sleep that night. It's frustrating, because I feel like I'm getting closer to figuring something out; it's one of those, "I'll know it when I see it." things. Humm. That's not the only thing being compromised during the school year, though... I'll save it for tomorrow. Must finish a History presentation and catch those six hours of Z's. Goodnight, all.

[First Entry.]Did you notice when the clock stopped running? Mmm. Sundays are beautiful, and Saturdays are bliss. One of these days, I'm going to get into the habit of finishing my work on Friday so I can enjoy them to the fullest.