I'm so confused and I feel so anxious. My stomach has been in knots for hours. I just reounvevne. i don't know. I really feel like I'm being a disapointment to Eric. It hurts so much to tihnk about. I don't want him worrying about his past, and more than ever I want to tell him why I understand all so well. But I risked him thinking differently of me by saying as much as I did. And I can't risk it anymore.. I can't stop saying sorry, but it's never enough. I don't know what to do. I say things I don't necessarily mean all the time. I said I wasnt going t eat today, but I did. I'm trying. Deep down. Somwhere.. Manda's been emailing me. It's kind of weird. She keeps apologizing and I'm accepting it. She thought I was going through a rough time (shes right) and felt bad beceause of all the times I'd been there for her. Apparently. It sounds so sincere.. If it's not, I lose EVERYTHING. I'll have fucked up so bad. But part of me wants to tell her everything that's wrong. Just to get it ALL out. Because I tell Eric A LOT. But there's some things I don't. Plus then maybe she'll realize all the shit I was going through while she made fun of me and talked shit behind my back. I think that's it. I think I just want her to know and feel guilty. I'm confused. It's been almost an hour since I sent an email and she hasn't replied. It's kind of bugging me. I'm waiting online for Eric to come on (if he does) and for that next email. But neither of those things are happening. And I can't focus on anything else..

I already have an xanga, but I figure, two online journals can't hurt. Maybe I shuld be talking about music on here, considering the site. But I say TOO BAAAAAAAAD. I probably will though. Because i always do lmao. This account is very specific to my name, and I don't like that. If someone I knew were to find this journal, I'd be very upset. I haven't got a private journal anymore. And I don't REALLY care. It's just kind of nice.