It's been 36 hours and 27 minutes since I found the message you left for me in May - May 5th to be exact. Have I been happy in the months since then? Have I been happy at any point in my life with or without you? I don't even know anymore. I wish I could say for certain. I wish I could close my eyes and see the way both paths stretched out before me. I always was the girl who wanted to read the last chapter first to know if I could invest in the story. The problem is life doesn't give you that option. You can't see the outcome of all the choices you've made.
There is an ache in my chest, something I can't put a name to... something I could only write in a secret place no one would see, that you could never find no matter how hard you looked for me. Ten years of my life, spent loving you... spent waiting for you to love me back, for you to be able to embrace the single most terrifying human emotion in the world. I waited and waited while you made promise after promise. I was the other woman, the after thought - even if that wasn't really how it was, that was how it felt. That was how you made me feel. That was the person I became, for you, because you needed me.Â
It's been almost a year since I spoke to you, since the night I cut my losses and ran. For the first time in my life I became selfish with myself, with my affection. I may not have been happy all these months, but my heart didn't feel like it was being crushed under anyone's bootheel either. So I spend the day listening to Nina Simone and remembering all the reasons I walked away... trying to forget all the reasons that I ever stayed.Â
It's been 36 hours and 27 minutes since I found the message you left for me in May - May 5th to be exact. Have I been happy in the months since then? Have I been happy at any point in my life with or without you? I don't even know anymore. I wish I could say for certain. I wish I could close my eyes and see the way both paths stretched out before me. I always was the girl who wanted to read the last chapter first to know if I could invest in the story. The problem is life doesn't give you that option. You can't see the outcome of all the choices you've made.
There is an ache in my chest, something I can't put a name to... something I could only write in a secret place no one would see, that you could never find no matter how hard you looked for me. Ten years of my life, spent loving you... spent waiting for you to love me back, for you to be able to embrace the single most terrifying human emotion in the world. I waited and waited while you made promise after promise. I was the other woman, the after thought - even if that wasn't really how it was, that was how it felt. That was how you made me feel. That was the person I became, for you, because you needed me.Â
It's been almost a year since I spoke to you, since the night I cut my losses and ran. For the first time in my life I became selfish with myself, with my affection. I may not have been happy all these months, but my heart didn't feel like it was being crushed under anyone's bootheel either. So I spend the day listening to Nina Simone and remembering all the reasons I walked away... trying to forget all the reasons that I ever stayed.Â