Is it that I can't fall in love with him, or that I don't want to fall in love with him? He might love me. I know he cares. Little by little, he shows. I cannot love him.

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face The kind you'd find on someone that could save If they don't put me away It’ll be a miracle That is how i feel. some people are just too beautiful to forget. they are too beautiful. and you lose your mind. it is almost like they could save you. and i do feel like i'm going crazy. i'm losing all my control, and control, i value a lot. i want to have control, because it's the only thing i really have for myself. Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else With nobody in your bed The night is hard to get through i believe i'm missing out. i'm missing out on things because i'm not confident enough. i'm not happy with myself. i have no idea what i want either. i could try something, but something holds me back. i feel like ishpeming is a dead end, and i need to get out. and with nobody in my bed, it is depressing. it's almost like i really need someone by my side. no matter how much my independence means to me, someone laying down next to me, would make the night so much better. And I will die all alone And when I arrive I won’t know anyone scary, isn't it? to think that everyone is going to die alone. we don't even know if we get a chance to say good-bye. everyone is afraid to be alone, but dying alone. that is an even greater fear. add dying to anything, and it sounds horrible. Jesus Christ, I’m alone again So what did you do those three days you were dead? Because this problem is gonna last More than the weekend jesus. i want to ask from help from him sometimes. but then, i wonder. do i really believe in him? do i have full faith? but everytime i have prayed for something, it worked. so why don't i have faith yet? what do i think it is? coincidence? luck? fate? i don't know yet. i want to know how he felt. i want to know what he went through. i want to know him. but there is no possible way that i can. how am i suppose to have all my faith in someone who i don't even know? i want him to help me though. i want him to help me through my problems. i want him to know that i'm alive and i'm trying. Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die But I’m a little bit scared of what comes after Do I get the gold chariot Or do I float through the ceiling jesus. i'm scared of what happens after i die. kill me whichever way you seem fit, but what happens after that? pitch black? please don't tell me that it ends there. i need to know that there is something after this life. Or do I divide and pull apart Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark This ship went down in sight of land And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands? help me. help me understand you. help me understand what you want from me. I know you're coming in the night like a thief But I’ve had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique I know you think that I’m someone you can trust But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up So do you think that we could work out a sign So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try I know you're coming for the people like me But we all got wood and nails And we turn out hate in factories We all got wood and nails And we turn out hate in factories We all got wood and nails And we sleep inside of this machine i lie. all the time. i lie for myself and for others. who am i trying to protect? who am i hurting? nobody tells me, so i guess i just won't know. but he'll know. and if he does come, how am i going to know it's him? i don't have faith. i don't know what to expect. i'm scared. i'm scared of change. i'm scared of myself. i'm scared to be happy. i'm scared to be alone. i'm afraid. of my future. and if i will be able to handle it. if i will be able to stand on my own two feet and succeed. this is my last year of high school. my last month. and then on to real life. it is not like graduating from eighth grade. i'm moving away. from everyone. maybe even myself. i wish i could just open myself up and know how i really feel. it's like i have so many layers. i don't know what i'm doing for myself anymore. i can't make my own decisions. i base them off everyone else. especially my mom. she's always been there for me, so there's no reason why i shouldn't be there for her right? my thinking is crazy. i don't know what's wrong with me lately. i feel like i'm losing all control. i'm dizzy, i'm weak, i'm restless. this is who i am.

Are you involved with anyone? nope. Would you take an ex back? never. Where do you wish you were right now? ocean. What should you be doing right now? term paper. Does sex mean love? it should. What do you believe is the meaning of life? i believe it is to happy with yourself. Are you a bad influence? naaah. Night out or night in? depends on how i feel and on the person. usually night in. Your favorite book: helter skelter, by far. Feelings? tired. hungry. and comfy. What items could you not go without during the day? blanket, chapstick, and food and water. ohh yeah. clothes. Would you share a drink with a stranger? noope. that's dumb. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?my mother. In the past week have you gotten kissed? noope. Last hug? mother:] Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? if they want, sure. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? coffee. Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire? nope. Do you ever think about any of your ex's? yeah, but that thought passes just as fast as it came. What does the last text message in your inbox say? i don't text. Need to get something off your chest? yeah. why can't you be just my friend? How do you feel about your life right now? confusing. i have no idea what i want anymore. Explain why you last threw up? strawberry pie. gross. How many times have you been pulled over by the police? hmmm. two. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to? yeah. it happens. Do you talk dirty to people? yeah. Do you think you can make it on a "Moment of Truth? maybee. If we were to look in your phone inbox, whose number would we find? idk. Anyone upset you lately? of course. but they let me down more than upset me. Last person you talked to on the phone? my daddy. Can you easily tell if someone is fake? i wish i could. If an ex said he/she hates you, you say? i'm over it. Do you think you're dumb? at times. but i'm actually pretty smart. What could be done to make things better for you? cleaner room. realizing what i want. and warmer weather. Do you love someone at the moment? i sure do. How's your heart? worried.confused.just not happy. Ever kiss someone with a name starting with a C? i believe not. Say you were given a drug test right now Would you pass? of course. Have you ever kissed anyone named Amanda? nope. Can you keep a secret? yeah. Are you happy with your living arrangement? very much. Do you have trust issues? very much. Is it easier to forgive or forget? forget. Would you live with someone without marrying them? probably. i hate labels. "husband" "wife". not for me.

1) Single, Taken, or Crushing? single and crushing. 2) Are you happy with that? the crushing part, no. not at all. 3) Would you kiss your ex? never again. 4) Have you ever had your heart broken? close, but no. 5) Do you believe that there are certain circustances where cheating is ok? yeah, i do. 6) Do you believe in love at first sight? that is not possible. 7) Have you ever talked about marriage with another person? noooo. 8) Do you want kids? yeahhh. i really do. 9) How Many? about three. 10) If someone liked you right now would you want them to tell you? no. 11) How do you feel about being with the same sex ? not for me. 13) Have you fallen in love before? nope. 14) Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries? yeahhh. 15) Do you believe you can change for someone? i tried. and no. i cannot change for anyone but myself. 17) Does your ex still have feelings for you? i sincerely hope not. 18) Do you believe in long distance relationships? not at all. i couldn't do it. 19) Do you think any one of your friends will repost this? nooo. do you consider yourself a good person? at times. Did you kiss anyone today? nope. Have your parents ever caught you drinking? no. Are you tall or short? medium. Do you like the color green? yeaahhh. Who was the last person to send you a text message? i don't text. Last voicemail you received? umm. renee? What's the first thing you would do with 5 million dollars? move away. fast. Exciting weekend? hectic. If one of your friends were going on a road trip, would you go with them? depends on the friend. Do you swear at your parents? not at them. but sometimes. Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? maybeeee. Have you ever crawled through a window? yepp. Is there a secret that you haven't told your parents? yeah. Who last called you? renee. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? yepp. Have you ever kissed two people in the same day? no. What objects are around you right now? fruit. cameras. excercise machine. Do you have trust issues? very much. Are you looking forward to tomorrow? noo. Do you like to swim? sometimes. Where's the last place you went? walkers. Are you wearing a jacket? no. What were you doing at midnight last night? playing pool in my prom dress:] What is the last thing you thought about? pineapples, honestly. Who was the last person you went swimming with? hmm. beats me. Ever kissed anyone with the name starting with a M? no. Have you ever made out with someone you weren't dating? yeah. Is there a difference between the words 'best friend' and 'friend'?: yepp. Do you miss anyone?: yeah. Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone? yeah. When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug? last night. Who is your celebrity crush?: john cusack! Can you touch your toes?: yeah. Do you take walks often?: not as much as i would like. Are you afraid to grow up?: not really. How tall are you?: five three. What language do you want to learn?: french and finnish. Any upcoming vacations?: minnesota and wyoming. Do you care what people think of you?: no. whatever. Is anything wrong? yeah. Would you kiss anyone on your top friends?: nope. Would you date anyone on your top friends?: nope. all girls:] renee, lindsay, jane, and missy:] Do you have a good relationship with your parent(s)?: very much. What did you do for your last birthday?: played on a playground and told an previously amazing guy i had feelings for him. Name something you CANNOT wait for?: GRADUATION. What's your favorite season? ahhh. fall or summer.

What is something that made you upset today? nothing, really. What were you doing at 12:00 pm? eating. Kiss with your eyes open or closed? closed. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a life? a million bucks:X Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? i sure do. Is it awkward when you run into your exes? ahh, no. What were you doing 1 hour ago? reading. Do you currently have feelings for someone? Do they know? i suppose. and of course he knows. What was the last thing you said aloud? "maxine!" Are you ticklish? very much. never tickle me. Are you a heavy sleeper? at times. Was today a good day? it was allright. i got my dress! What are you listening to? meaningful song. Does someone like you right now? ehh, who knows. Do you really like them? look above. Where was the last place you went? synders. Last person you had a deep and meaningful conversation with? my mother. Your favorite romantic movie? ahh. pride and prejudice.

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?: eating ice cream. 2. Who are you in love with?: i'm not "in" love with anyone. 3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?: nooope. 4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?: my mom's shirt. 5. When is the last time you went to the mall?: umm. couple weekends ago? 6. Are you wearing socks right now?: no. 7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?: uhh no. 8. When was the last time you drove out of town?: today. 9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?: sure have. stoploss! 10. Are you hot?: i have a blanket on. 11. What was the last thing you had to drink?: water. 12. What are you wearing right now?: black pants, company of thieves shirt. the normal. 13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?: let the car wash do it. 14. Last food that you ate?: noodles. 15. Where were you last week at this time?: home, probably. 16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?: nope. 17. When is the last time you ran?: longgg time ago. 18. What's the last sporting event you watched?: probably pool, haha. 19. What is your favorite animal?: cat. 20. Your dream vacation?: anywhere warm near the ocean. 21. Last person's house you were in?: renee's. 22. Worst injury you've ever had?: sprained finger. i'm a trooper. 23. Have you been in love?: nope. i'm a clean slate. 24. Do you miss anyone right now?: sure do. 25. Last play you saw?: uhhh. is this reality? 26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?: compliment them constantly. 27. What are your plans for tonight?: i was going to start on my term paper, but that's not going to happen. whatever. 28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?: to renee:) 29. Next trip you are going to take?: uhh. mn. 30. Ever go camping?: of courseee. it's fun. 31. Were you an honor roll student in school?: yepp. 32. What do you want to know about the future?: not a thing. 33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?: no. 34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?: yeah, i am. 35. Where is your best friend?: at home. 36. How is your best friend?: probably tired. 37. Do you have a tan?: i wish. 38. What are you listening to right now?: i am fred astaire-tbs. 39. Do you collect anything?: nope. waste of space. 40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?: JANE. 41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?: in august. orrr maybe idk. 42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?: who hasn't? ridiculous. 43. What does your last text message say?: i don't text. 44. Do you like hot sauce?: sure don't. 45. Last time you took a shower?: last night. 46. Do you need to do laundry?: probably. 47. What is your heritage?: mostly finnish and english. 48. Are you someone's best friend?: sure am. 49. Are you rich?: no. 50. What were you doing at 12AM last night?: trying to get some sleep.

What's on your mind right now? essay.laundry.boy. Who is your best guy friend? hmm my daddy:D Where is your biological mother right now? living room. Have you ever made out in a basement? hah. yeah. Do you have any piercings? nope. Do you have any tattoos? nope. Is your driveway steep? not at all. Name 3 things you did today: shower.walk.laundry. Last person you texted? i don't text. What have you eaten today? kelloggs.BK. Which shoe do you put on first? right, i think. What is the last thing you do before you go to bed at night? roll on my side. and i think way too much. What would you change about your life right now?make everything more organized. i'm a mess. What's the dumbest thing you have done while driving? well. i put the car in park while i was driving. Have you ever bitten your nails? i do. it's gross. Do you live alone? nope. Can you keep a secret? yes, i can. Do you have any strange phobias? probably. Your favorite romantic movie is? pride&prejudice. for sure. Whats the last thing you got in the mail? shit from westwood. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with a D? yeah. Ever have a sleepover with the opposite sex? yepp. Do you have trust issues? yes. Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles? when i'm bored. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? um. renee. Are you a cuddler? very much. When was the last time you gave advice to someone? a little while ago. Have you ever hurt anyone when you were mad? yeah. Is it easier to forgive or forget? for me, to forget. Do you give out second chances too easily? not at all. Kiss with your eyes open or closed? closed. Do you have a best friend? yeah. Would you live with someone without marrying them? i could. Ever had plans and broken them? yeah. Do you have a friend of the opposite/same sex that you can talk to 24/7? yes, i do. Do you remember what you were like a year ago? a little. yeah. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my mother. Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink? yes.

boy who leads me on is back in my life. He actually calls me when he says he does. And he cares about me. Apparently, my leaving does make a difference to him. He doesn't want to care about me, then I am going to leave. He's not enough to make me stay. I kissed him, finally. I have wanted to know for two years what it would be like to kiss him. And it was incredible. I will probably regret it later, but for now. Incredible. One of the best kisses I have had in my life. I burned some calories. The BEST possible way to burn calories, I have to say. Now, whenever I am online, he makes sure to talk to me. I talked to him about his feelings or whatnot for me. He cares for me, he might LOVE me, he thinks about me a lot. I'm different from any other girl he has liked, which makes me feel good. I want to stand out. I just don't want to be another random girl who he makes out with and cops a feel all the time. I want him to think of me. In cosmo, it says that guys think about girls, they are just not so vocal and they are not going to call the second they do. I hope he thinks about me. It would make all the difference in the world. I really do like him. I shouldn't, but he is amazing. He is such a challenge. He says all the wrong things, but they are exactly what I want to hear. How messed up is that? I am messed up. He knows how to touch me. He knows how to show affection. That is super important to me. After all, I am eighteen. I want some physical intimacy. And most importantly, I want some with him. Boy who leads me on is so confusing. Lost yet? I am completely bi-polar with him. One second, I'm yelling at him, glaring him down, the next his tongue is shoved in my mouth. Oh, gosh. Wild. I want himmmmmmm. and I will have him.