Should I call this blog "About a Boy?" He seems to be the only thing that I have to write about, because he is really the only thing that seems to be consistently stuck in my mind. I did so well for a few months, not really caring about what he was doing, not staring at my phone wishing he would show some flicker of interest like I used to do months previous. I had a huge revelation when I realized the girl he was currently investing in, he treated her with the same disregard, you knew that in his mind she was disposable and that not a damn thing was going to change. It was something that had eaten away at me for a long time- I had kept on asking myself, why is she better than me? One day when I was talking with him, it was like a lightbulb had magically turned on in my head. She WASN'T better than me, and then everything changed. One day a few weeks ago I had drunkenly let my defenses fall and I ended up hanging out with him. We got into a huge heart to heart discussion and we told each other that we loved one another. He also told me that I was unlike any other girl he had met, but he was scared of me. Not only was this incredibly empowering for me to hear, it also made me realize that I needed to have a lot more confidence in myself. Just because the one person I wanted wasn't doing everything they could to be with me, doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with me. Like I said, it's been a few weeks since that night and we have continued to have some pretty straightforward conversations with each other about how me make one another feel. I'm no longer scared of what is going to happen between him and I, I do wish I could have him around more often because I am tired of spending my nights alone- I don't really know what I want to happen between us. Part of me keeps reminding myself of how emotionally unstable he is and how much baggage I would be carrying around- the other part of me sees it as a bit of a challenge and I just want to break down his defenses. Ugh. This entry doesn't make any sense.

I need some intimacy. I'm starting to feel alone.

Schmeh, I'm amazed at the things that can change in a years time. Married my boyfriend of three years, and we've already been separated for nine months. We got married December of 2008 and split three days before Christmas Eve December 2009. It's all too true what they say about the straw that broke the camels back, things just piled on so heavily that at least I know I lost it, and got to the point where I was intentionally looking for a fight. I got fired from my job, [ I have this fantastic habit of being late ] and started working at Hell On Earth Inc., Tye lost his job [ fabulous economy] and was unemployed for about six months, and the stress continues from there, so I mentioned that I thought I wanted a divorce, we started growing apart and then he moved home three days before Christmas Eve. Since the split we have maintained good contact, and now we're trying to reconcile again. I don't know what happened, but one day I was thinking about how amazing I used to have it. I came home to someone who was happy to see me, I was able to be myself around him, weather that means no shower for a few days because I have no obligations, a blubbering mess because I'm upset, or a complete dork who has had a bit too much wine. He loves me for who I am, forgives my faults, and only wants me to be happy. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD THROW THAT AWAY. Anywho, I mentioned this to him, and since then, we've been talking about what we need to do to make it work, because yes, I do realize that this optimistic point of view will not be in the front of my brain all the time and we did have some real issues. He wants me to move to where he is working, and at this point, I am willing to do what it takes to make things work; plus a change of scenery, [ even though its going from a small town, to a smaller town ] would be fan-tas-tic-al. I feel right now as if I am a wrecking ball that is strung by one tiny link of chain. My mother found out Tuesday of this week that my father has been having an emotional affair with a longtime friend of our family, so since this discovery, he has been living in the shop below me, although I haven't seen him in a few days, not entirely sure of his whereabouts. I have begun to hate my job with every bone in my body - and lately I have just wanted to come home ,crawl up in a little ball in my bed, and just sob for a few hours. I have so many things building up in my body that my stomach is in a constant state of knots, every time I take a drag of my cigarette I want to puke... which is bad, because my cigarettes replenish the sanity I so dearly cherish. I think that moving to the middle of nowhere with Tye will be a blessing for me, I can put my all into my Graphic Design degree, and my marriage, and not have to worry about anybody else's shit. I surprised myself when I spoke to my mother about what was going on with my dad. Normally I am the FIRST to jump on the bandwagon of making it my problem, and stressing myself to fix it. When I found out through my sister, yes, I was in utter shock, my dad just doesn't seem like the 'affair kinda guy' so I was pretty numb to the situation. I spoke with my mom that evening, and said that yes, I was upset, but to be honest, I have my own things to sort out, I wanted to focus on my school, job, and marriage, so I didn't care all too much, and I was just going to let her work on things herself. Of course I will be there if she needs to talk with someone, but my mom is an adult, and she knows what she is doing. Totally out of my character, but it felt good to say. Anyway, its 437am and I still have half a glass of wine to finish and sheets to place on the bed.

I hate him. So much.

This is such an incredible song, and I plan on commenting on this once I am done posting this; I haven't written in ages, and since I have been scaring myself for the past few days I have to get something out. Tye is gone to Ekalaka to work since there isn't anything here- he has been gone a total of three weeks as of today, and the first week was so hard being without him, especially since I don't really have anyone to talk to. Well, Monteen moved back for the summer, and I have gotten used to coming home to an empty apartment, and not really talking to anyone outside of work. I have been hanging out with her for a week straight now, which is so odd because before she moved away, and in Bozeman, we hardly did anything alone together, but now its completely opposite. I have been feeling SO rebellious the last week, and have set aside all my responsible conscious and have been high for seven days straight. Tye knows, he doesn't approve but isn't too worried about it. I know people claim to have ephipanys all the time when they're high, but they're absolutely right, which is why I am writing this down. I want to read this sober tomorrow and see if it has any validity at all, and discuss this with my psychiatrist next week. This song speaks to me, I can listen to this song every hour of every day, and never get tired of it. It talks to the four influential men on my life perfectly. The Opening Taste by: The Reindeer Section The Father: My dad, who has worked his ass off for the last 22 years of my life, to prove to his parents that he is worth something, cares more about his employees and their happiness more than his own or his familys own. I love my father to death, but I wish he would understand that he is pushing the people who actually give a damn about him farther away each day. I never feel that I meet my fathers standards, even though I am pulling a 4.0 during the entire six months I have been back to school, and love what I am doing. My husband even embarasses me when it comes to my father, even though he is an amazing guy, I don't feel like my father approves because they are totally opposite. I will always love my father, he did what he thought was right for our family, but he will never accept anyone in his life for who they are. My Husband: Whom I love so extremely much, he has taught me a lot about life in the four years I have known him. I never pictured myself with someone like my husband, but with one exception, I wouldn't change a thing about my relationship with him. I think my husband is lazy and somewhat of a bigot even though he knows I won't stand with his bullshit or sexism. Sometimes I worry that my husband will never get his shit together and provide a life for me he knows I will like/love. I think that if I finished my "desired" degree before he does his, he will still expect me to move to where he wants to fufill his "dream" career. I will leave him if that happens. The Forbidden Ex-boyfriend: I will never love anyone as much as I loved you. You have betrayed me in a way I didn't think people were capable of. You raped my sister. I still have to see a shrink because of you, even though the incident between you and my sister happened almost three years ago. Everything in this town reminds me of you, so I can never stop thinking about you. You fed my preference of drama in everyday situations, which I loved. You are the only one who has accepted me for who I truly am- and that has affected me more than I thought. I wish I could have watched you be sentenced, and your mother cry blaming the school system; maybe then I would have been able to realize what a zit to socitey you are. You are the reason I was able to marry my husband, if it weren't for you betraying me, I never would have put up with my then boyfriends selfish and cold attitude for the first year of our relationship. You have been the only one that can make me appreciate sex for pleasure and closeness. I always thought we would get married. I think you're engaged to the girl you are now, because she reminds you of me. My Cousin: I can't believe you have passed away. Your family has changed so much since you passed away. Your brother even told me after I asked him to get help after you died, that he didn't care about me or my family and never wanted to see me again; our family doesn't say stuff like that to each other- but your passing changed us all. I have nightmares about you drowning a lot- but I don't ever tell anyone about them, I don't want to upset other people or have them think I'm just seeking attention. I had so many stories I wanted to tell at your funeral, but was so upset I couldn't even cry and worried that people would think I didn't care. I was only able to cry when grandpa turned to me and told me it was okay to let go. Not even my boyfriend of a year could help me release. My mother thinks you were gay, and was too afraid to tell grandma or grandpa. Or your father. I think your parents have become alcoholics since you died, your mom was so devastated when she found out the news, that when they showed up to grandma and grandpas after driving for three days straight trying to find you, that when your mom walked through the door, she said- as soon as that boy calls I am just going to chew his... and would start bawling. Your ashes showed up the same night before I was getting ready to leave for Germany- everyone but your mom came to say goodbye. My sister can't sleep very well since you died. I never got to say goodbye: My Cousin It's harder now that your away: My Husband I thought of so much more to say: The Forbidden Ex You listened to it as you left: My Father In other words couldn't hold my head above the water for long enough to hear your final wish is a lost cause to anyone who heard above the din I don't have time to dress it up: My Father and all my thoughts come out at once: My Husband I loved you more than i could think: The Forbidden Ex of any other thing that hurts: My Cousin I will hold my head in the shame you dealt: The Forbidden Ex and it wets my skin as I fall right in : My Cousin with your conscience clear you can walk away : My Father take it easy dear on my swollen skull : My Husband

as a forewarning; this entry is completely scattered, and is meant more as a written conversation between me and my logic, rather than an entry to inform or tell a story. so this week has been pure hell for me mentally. tye left to go see his family on saturday of last weekend and i have never felt so alone even though i am constantly around people. its funny [i know this has been said a million times before] but you really never truly appreciate what you have until its gone; its not like he is gone forever, and weve been talking every day on the phone, but face to face conversation is so much better especially when you just need some comfort. i have had a girl from work living with me because she needed a place to stay while she looked for a new apartment; she is in the midst of a divorce and i wanted to be a good friend and offer a hand; i said a hand though. not an arm, a leg, and my third toe. she moved in three weeks ago and brought along a four year old boy who desprately needs solid parenting and some discipline. i hate children, not like i would steal their candy without some feeling of guilt, but i have never coo'd over a baby, had the urge to have a kid of my own, and i hated to babysit other peoples kids; so this was probably the first red sign that this really wasnt the best of ideas. this kid has managed to allow me to lose all contact with reason and sanity and i am afraid that if things don't change real quick i may just lose my mind altogether. almost every single evening i walk into my apartment i can feel a strand of nerve snap causing it to thin out every single day for the last three weeks. he has drawn on our dining room table which was a gift from my parents with a permanent marker, drawn on our floor with a hot pink marker, smashed chips into the floor, pretzels are strewn everywhere in the living room, leave hot dogs all over the coffee table, and attach stickers to whatever seems decent at the moment. so you're probably saying to yourself; "so just kick her out." here comes my problem. even though i am female, i dont have any brain balls; i would rather sacrafice my own feelings of happiness to avoid conflict and tension between two people. the fact that tye isnt around doesn't help my situation either; it was nice having someone to come home to other than a four year old and a mother who needs some parenting advice. the psychiatrist i have been seeing is going to help me be more assertive toward people like our temporary tenant so that i can be happy in my life as well. i also have come to the realization that i may still be in love with cody pierson, the fucker who raped my sister and disrespected my family and the trust and respect i had foolishly believed to be there. i told my mother today that if i wasnt with such a great guy at the moment, and didnt have people surrounding me with opinions i respect, and the opportunity presented itself, i would most likely date him without question again; how fucked up is that. someone i dated for four years who so easily shrugged off everything we had been through and commited an act like he did. the psychiatrist said that my emotions are overriding my logic in this case which is what a lot of abused women do- even though they know that what is happening to them is wrong and unhealthy, they chose to stay in the relationship. i know though, that if i were to come in close face to face contact with him, i would most likey react in anger. its just moreso the fact that i have any positive/happy feelings toward him. i am constantly having a mental argument with myself over this conflict of emotions.

i saw the fucker. sitting in a brand new black audi. we were facing each other at a stoplight, me on my way to work, and the piece of shit, less than 500 feet away from me, sitting in his fucking car, with his girlfriend, with a shit eating expression. what kind of justice system do we have anyway? last i checked, house arrest did NOT involve driving your audi with your girlfriend, did NOT involve having a job, playing frisbee in the park, spinning doughnuts in the parking lot, last i understood it involved being at your house 24/7. apparently, the justice system reads an entirely different dictionary than the other billions of people living in the united states. so with my latest encounter with this piece of shit, dozens of images of me, running to his window to punch him in the face, ramming my car into his hoping to break a few appendages, kicking his ass on the concret, etc. caused quite a bit of an adrenaline rush, but then the light turned green, and instead i light a cigarette and drove the few blocks to work trying to calm myself down. his time is coming soon; he may think its all a big joke [ let me clue you into how big of a dumbass this guy is, he sold his most prized posession, probably amounting to 10,000 dollars or so, to try and drain our family of all their money, all this to attempt to drag out the court system, when in reality, my family is not paying for the county attorney, and he will have to refund us for all the medical bills and whatnot that have been the result of his action a little under a year ago. ] december 20th is the court hearing, and hopefully the mother fucker will spend a few months in the county jail. i wish there was some kind of sentence where i was allowed to sit in front of him and just yell until my face is blue. really that would be the most satisfying thing for me. i know it wouldn't do him any good, but its kind of the equivalent of kicking your tire when its flat. it doesn't get any air back into it, but it sure relieves a lot of frustration. im somewhat tired of being the "bigger" person after seeing and knowing that he continues to be the adolescent he is, and think the world was built for him to play with. honestly i can not remember the last time being the adult has really paid off. although this is neither here nor there, just an afterthought. anyway. counselor tomorrow, hopefully ill have an opportunity to vent a little bit. at the moment i say fuck being productive, im pissed off, heres my story, shuttup and listen.

reading my last journal entries from almost half a year ago really makes me appreciate my current life, even though it doesnt make me completely satisfied for the moment. miracles do happen aparently. Tye and I do live together, he moved up here with me in Kalispell. i ended up moving back home after school got out, and finally we decided it was move forward or part our ways, and he decided that he did love me, was able to tell me to my face, and things have been awesome ever since. we are both content in our apartment with our low paying jobs, for now. im working full time at a local bank and tye is still installing appliances. my summer went well, i worked for dad until september and made some decent money, and tye moved up here in july. we're both hoping to leave montana in a few years because i would eventually like to go back to school but first i need to discover what fuels the fire inside instead of just going to school to meet everyone else's expectations. i am taking depression medication to calm all those thoughts ive had for the last few months. my mother forced me to see a doctor and he rated me an 8 on a scale of 1-10. i sat in the chair, he said hello, and i started bawling. it was awful. the entire family is seeing a counselor as well. things really have improved since bozeman. other than that, not much else has changed, but everything that has, in retrospect to the previous 6months of my life, has been much better. hopefully things just keep going on the up and up.

i think its over. hes being a jackass and ive grown so independent in the last few days of trying to sort the jumbled ball of string that is my mind. i have decided that after tye, i am going to try to stay single for an entire year and see if that clears anything up in my mind. i am also considering staying at home and going to school at FVCC next semester, i honestly think that by going to school there i will do better because it will be in a more controlled environment and the fact that i have someone to talk to about the things i think about, other than my boyfriend who i really believe could care less.. it may help as well. i really dont have many friends here, han has gone completely astray from everything she used to be, and mel, well i honestly dont know what kind of person mel is. i think she has multiple personalities that coencide with whomever she is around, and that will not help me much. my mom doesn't even really know what to think, but at least i know she is listening and can spew out some useful information. i passed 2 out of 3 of my classes and just barely. unbelieveably i am not suspended from attending, but i just dont see the rest of my college career getting any better with the path i am currently limping down. what the FUCK is wrong with my head. anyway- maybe i can see what the fuck his problem is now. we went to bed with him bantering me about how i was a "princess" when i lived back with my parents and for some reason it really pissed me off. joking or not, he knows nothing about my childhood and although i had it good, i wasnt a fucking princess, and that is all i was teased about when i was younger. he hit a nerve. anyway. two more days until i go back home.

so for the past few weeks my life has been in a turmoil. my boyfriend and i were on a rocky ledge, finals week was around the corner, financial issues were peeking their [big] heads out of the ground, having to move back home was seeming the only option i had for the summer. tye and i have seemed to work things out between each other though. i love tye, and i am positive he loves me, although why he cant tell me directly is beyond me, so with that established, i think him and i will make it two months over the summer not seeing each other everyday, but i have this feeling that still, everything will be okay. as far as having to move back home this summer, hey, its free room and food, plus my dad offered me a job paying good money, so hopefully i can save up to pay for my financial stitches and be able to stay in this town next summer, and permanently move out of my parents house. finals are over and hopefully i made it through this semester. i have come to terms with the fact that i absolutely HATE school, and i will have to grow some balls by next week to tell my parents i only want to go to school part time, and i would rather work at macys full time. i do not want to drop out of school completely because i hope i can get myself a good job within a reasonable amount of time and i think i should have some kind of degree under my belt. im sad that tye and i will not be moving in together next fall, but that may also be for the best. besides i do not even have the guarentee he will be here in the fall, but i am secretly hoping. i don't want to get married, but i just keep having these visions that he is the only one you know? maybe because it is the first mature relationship i have had, in where we both had responsibilities, insead of having to be home by midnight after visiting. i dont know. there is such a slim chance those visions will even happen, and i suppose i should have seen this coming seeing as i am just starting out my college days and he just finished his last december. maybe i'll get lucky and a miracle will happen, but i won't hold my breath. anyway its almost 4am, im going to bed. just had to get some jumbled thoughts out of my head.