i think its over. hes being a jackass and ive grown so independent in the last few days of trying to sort the jumbled ball of string that is my mind. i have decided that after tye, i am going to try to stay single for an entire year and see if that clears anything up in my mind. i am also considering staying at home and going to school at FVCC next semester, i honestly think that by going to school there i will do better because it will be in a more controlled environment and the fact that i have someone to talk to about the things i think about, other than my boyfriend who i really believe could care less.. it may help as well. i really dont have many friends here, han has gone completely astray from everything she used to be, and mel, well i honestly dont know what kind of person mel is. i think she has multiple personalities that coencide with whomever she is around, and that will not help me much. my mom doesn't even really know what to think, but at least i know she is listening and can spew out some useful information. i passed 2 out of 3 of my classes and just barely. unbelieveably i am not suspended from attending, but i just dont see the rest of my college career getting any better with the path i am currently limping down. what the FUCK is wrong with my head. anyway- maybe i can see what the fuck his problem is now. we went to bed with him bantering me about how i was a "princess" when i lived back with my parents and for some reason it really pissed me off. joking or not, he knows nothing about my childhood and although i had it good, i wasnt a fucking princess, and that is all i was teased about when i was younger. he hit a nerve. anyway. two more days until i go back home.

so for the past few weeks my life has been in a turmoil. my boyfriend and i were on a rocky ledge, finals week was around the corner, financial issues were peeking their [big] heads out of the ground, having to move back home was seeming the only option i had for the summer. tye and i have seemed to work things out between each other though. i love tye, and i am positive he loves me, although why he cant tell me directly is beyond me, so with that established, i think him and i will make it two months over the summer not seeing each other everyday, but i have this feeling that still, everything will be okay. as far as having to move back home this summer, hey, its free room and food, plus my dad offered me a job paying good money, so hopefully i can save up to pay for my financial stitches and be able to stay in this town next summer, and permanently move out of my parents house. finals are over and hopefully i made it through this semester. i have come to terms with the fact that i absolutely HATE school, and i will have to grow some balls by next week to tell my parents i only want to go to school part time, and i would rather work at macys full time. i do not want to drop out of school completely because i hope i can get myself a good job within a reasonable amount of time and i think i should have some kind of degree under my belt. im sad that tye and i will not be moving in together next fall, but that may also be for the best. besides i do not even have the guarentee he will be here in the fall, but i am secretly hoping. i don't want to get married, but i just keep having these visions that he is the only one you know? maybe because it is the first mature relationship i have had, in where we both had responsibilities, insead of having to be home by midnight after visiting. i dont know. there is such a slim chance those visions will even happen, and i suppose i should have seen this coming seeing as i am just starting out my college days and he just finished his last december. maybe i'll get lucky and a miracle will happen, but i won't hold my breath. anyway its almost 4am, im going to bed. just had to get some jumbled thoughts out of my head.