I’ve decided to give it another 5 years

i had a complete sobbing breakdown in the middle of the Hiroshima station and my boyfriend and I talked it out. 

We’re both sick, he has bipolar type 1 as well as schizoaffective symptoms. We both take our medicine religiously so we’ve been relatively stable for a year. We’re going to keep trying, he apologized for the harsh things he said and I apologized for being difficult.

I’m in Okinawa now and it’s  beautiful, it’s very hard to be sad when you can see a beach right outside your terrace. We were supposed to go surfing today but the North wind decided to be strong. 

Yesterday we went tubing and jetskiing and I tasted the ocean for the first time. 

Ill be home next Friday and I have an insurance certification exam to study for. I have a decent job right now and my coworkers and bosses are very kind. They stood up for me when an insurance broker tried to swing her clout and get me fired for reasons beyond my control. I never realized how terrible tow companies actually are I started handling claims. 

so I’ll see you around, the same way I always do

this may be the end, soon.

I’m in Hiroshima and I was in Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka. I’ll be headed to Miyajima and Okinawa, then back to Osaka, Kyoto, and Tokyo. I’ll be flying home on April 4th. I don’t want to leave, because....  

well, here is an excerpt from Pete Wentz’s old journal that sums it up because...

“tokyo, japan 2

i am put at ease somewhat by the inevitablity of strange and dark days. not light but the opposite, it is inevitable. this hotel room overlooks a city that i do not understand when usually i am overlooking cities that do not understand me. i dont have any "start over" left inside of me. i wish anyone would understand. all roads lead to longing. the neon signs never turn off here. there are oceans inside of me.”

-Pete Wentz

I’m here with my boyfriend but we’re falling apart to the point where I don’t think I believe in love anymore. I lost all my friends and I don’t get along with my parents. I can’t blame anybody but myself. In our last fight, he called me “fucking dense” and I’m breaking. We’re headed toward splitting up and I’ve been crying so much on this vacation I can’t afford. It‘s same story in a different continent. I can’t escape my self.

I wish there was a word, a line, a way but I’m drowning in the madness. I’ve gone psychotic twice, I’ve been hospitalized so many times, and I’ve seen so many professionals and taken so many medications. There isn’t a cure. So I turned to God and I begged for a sign. I’ve written wishes in Buddhist shrines. There doesn’t seem to be an end to these times. I’ve made it a quarter of a century, and I think that’s about enough. I have the means, I have a plan, and I have nothing left to stay for. I can’t go back to the hospital and I don’t believe in love.

so if you read this months later and I’ve left to a different dimension, well, I hope we meet in better circumstances. This isn’t a cry for help. I’m done crying and nothing helps. I’m not sorry and I won’t miss you, but thanks for the kindness you showed to a kid who never deserved or appreciated it. I never learned to forgive and never could forget.

if this is goodbye, well, be good. bye.