"what are you saying without words?" he breathed as our faces were inches apart

"what do you think i'm saying without saying?" i smiled coyly, tightly pushing down the cork in my heart

"that you're not taking this seriously, at least not like i am - but it's okay, well, i don't mind," he smiled back, but his anxiety leaked out in his eyes despite his best efforts

"you are mistaken," i said with the phlegm in my throat cutting my credibility

"oh am i?" he asked rhetorically with that stupid, little, lopsided smirk reappearing on his (though i hate to admit it) handsome face

"yes," i said primly as i left the room to segway into another conversation topic as this one was getting too close to the truth

i never told him what i was really saying without saying but i'll tell you:
i am manic and you are everything, your eyes smile body soul make my heart burst open like a cheap bottle of so-called champagne and i would do anything for you to feel the same way but i know that you could never even come close and i'm tired of playing it cool but i can't because thems the breaks when you want to date someone who cares so much about what other people think and the way that things are supposedly meant to be carried out in today's convoluted dating structure so i'll play along for a while longer while i hope that you're the bluebird i've been waiting for

i'm glad i never told him because he turned out to be a waste of time. he thought he could lead me on and that i wouldn't leave because i was too attached. he was mistaken (he usually was). he might have burned me, but i hope you didn't forget that my name is ash. and now he's all salty because i don't want to be his friend, but like j. cole said,

"i had you 
but you can't have me 
i never stay"

today was a good day 
green grass tickling my back and
bright tulips blooming a few feet away

i shift restly
between the damp cool shade
and the shining hot sun

elizabeth didn't get on the plane today
and it was sad
but not how it was supposed to be sad

let the black teeth of doubt and regret chew thru my core
than hold my breath
for a dove that turned out to be
papier-maché waved around on a stick

so let the wind sing thru the gaps in the windows of my car
as his residual silhouette traces a heart in the spring fog
i will dream of my best friends on beaches afar
as i savour the city smog

i asked him to take me gently
instead he took me lightly