you felt the flutter and 
i felt the seismic spark.

i asked if you wanted to build a sailboat with me, 
but you said the weather wasn't good enough, 
the materials were expensive, 
and it would be a lot of work. 

it was a yes or no question. 
you didn't say yes, 
so you meant no.

i said your one-month free trial was over. 
you said you hate that i'm so straightforward. 

i lied when i said you split me in two. 
sorry for the shit talk, baby, i'm blue. 

---
epilogue

on that last day i said your eyes looked like galaxies

and you said that was the gayest shit you ever heard

skipped my own pity party
to take a selfie with his dick

i've been thinking a lot more than i've been writing and that's good. i used to connect with people on this website a lot more when it was just us, a bunch of teenagers writing about our problems. now there are a lot of people here that think these journals need to be the pinnacle of writing and everyone's got a lotta shit to say. i mostly think people should mind their business but i'm the one putting my business up on a public forum so i guess that's on me. but then i decided that i've been on this website for over 8 years so i'm not going to change and i'm actually pretty happy about that.

i've been thinking in a healthy way, practicing CBT on myself when my thoughts try to lead me to the grave. i felt like writing today even though i didn't have a lot to say. writing in this text box has been a great comfort to me over the years and this website isn't perfect but it's always felt pretty cozy. 

i'm content

even when i'm not

and that's all i've ever wanted