i'm six and i can't open the mini carton of chocolate milk they gave me to go with the unsalted popcorn. it's movie night at the shitty public school in the low-income neighbourhood we lived in when we first immigrated to canada. i struggle for a little longer until a kind-eyed chaperone takes the carton from me, turns it around, and opens the spout from the correct side. i think the movie was tarzan but i remember more about the milk carton than i do about the film. most of my childhood was pretty sad and lonely but i really liked that memory of someone picking up my problem, turning it around, and fixing it for me.

sometimes i think i'm permanenty damaged because of all the excess cortisol that i've experienced over the years. i think i'm to blame because i don't relate well to people - i don't like myself, so how can i even begin to like anyone else? most of my relationships were based on my idealized perception of people rather than reality. i don't think i can call myself lonely if there's nobody i long to talk to. i'm writing here because i like to and i feel like it's a way for me to communicate with people without actually having to give a shit about anything they say. no, i completely understand that i'm kind of a selfish, ego-centric person but, after pretending to be a nice person all day, it's nice to take off the mask and be real. 

mostly i crave non-existence because i feel like a malfunctioning product waiting to be replaced. i don't care about religion. in fact, i feel offended when people to tell me to trust in god. when you look at it from my nihilistic perspective, you might be able to understand that the idea of believing in some omnipotent deity "that knows best" is insulting.

i've always had trouble bowing to authority and i have even more trouble praying to some imaginary thing that supposedly made up a bunch of rules for me to follow (mostly concerned with what i do with my vagina) because otherwise i'll go to hell where i'll suffer for all of eternity. it's actually hilarious when you think about it. it's like a group of toddlers got together and decided to write a rule book, "follow these rules and you'll get to go to the bestest place forever, but if you don't you go the worstest place ever!" what a joke. i went to a catholic school and i'm friends with some religious people so, of course, i'm perfectly accepting of their beliefs and i would never tell them that i secretly think they're really stupid. 

at least i know who to call if i ever feel like recruiting for a pyramid scheme.