i used to push my lips against your cheekbone and a little smile would creep across your mouth and the sun would shine through the window and i'd smell your cologne in my hair as i walked from your car to my house and i'd want to walk right back

sometimes you'd catch my eyes unexpectedly and my body would be flooded with an electrical surge and i'd be speechless

maybe that's why you don't love me anymore. i thought you were more than a human being when that's all you wanted to be

we're never going to talk to each other again

i don't want to think about your brown eyes making me melt into the earth

so i won't

just stay away ok?

as we lay in bed, a foot apart from each other, i would hear his molars scraping against each other. sometimes, i would gently touch his cheek and he'd wake up a little

and, in a soft, sweet voice, i'd whisper, "baby, you're grinding your teeth" and he'd grunt and turn over to face away from me.

and i'd lay there quietly in the dark, listening to him breathing and grinding his teeth and i'd wonder what it would be like to be the kind of couple that lay with our bodies intertwined and stayed up at night talking about sweet things.

but it wasn't meant to be i guess. he keeps tweeting about wanting to be friends after the fact and i just sit here crying, coming down from the molly, wishing he still loved me and wanted to do mundane things with me like deposit cheques at the bank or smoke joints between my classes. 

i feel like i'm drowning in the hell of myself. i'm torturing myself in my head. i feel overwhelmed and incompetent. i'm scared of making mistakes. i don't want to deal with it anymore. i take myself too seriously. i have no skin. i'm throwing together a bunch of sentences fueled by my oversensitive anguish. i just want to feel like i belong. i beat myself up all the time. i feel like i deserve to be beaten up, like i'm no good, like i don't deserve to be treated well- even by myself. i was treated with contempt for so long that now i don't know how to heal and be whole. i make value judgements about myself based on the way people treat me. i feel like my brain is going to start cracking from the stress. i feel like no matter what i do it'll never be good enough and that it's already too late. i'm in love with someone that doesn't love me and i feel like it's just another sign that i don't deserve to be loved, that i'm unlovable. i'm so scared of failure and i just want to sleep forever because i don't want to hurt anymore. i don't want people to look at me and think things about me because i'm worried that i'm just a big joke. my anxiety is so bad that i feel like i can't breathe because my throat is full of rocks. i spend most of my time high out of my mind because otherwise i can't stop crying. i'm a complete mess of a person and i feel like a waste of space. i don't want attention. i just want quiet affection and i still feel like that's asking for too much.

i need professional help, but i'm tired of repeating the same story and paying $200 an hour to hear what i already know. i've tried so many different kinds of medicine, but it all makes me feel stupid or more anxious. there isn't a solution, to be honest. you either deal with it or you don't. i guess that's why i'm a functioning pothead. i don't know if you've read bukowski's book "what matters most is how well you walk through the fire" but that's really what it is. 

"and don't forget: 
time is meant to be wasted, 
love fails
and death is useless."