i feel strange, disconnected, trying to figure out what everyone knows that i don't. i feel sad, like a hook thru my heart pulling me thru the ground. 

i guess people don't get it, anymore. it's probably me, but come on, somebody has to be on my side so it might as well be me.

people say mean things, like nails on my mental chalkboard.

but this is what i want to write about. this is what i have to say. it's up to me how to colour in my existence

and i keep crossing lines.

i wish i could have one more day of thinking i was loved. it all turned out to be shit, but i'd love to believe it again for 24 hours and then come right back to building myself up from the ashes. but i'll feel better soon, i hope. so i'll try not to worry and i'll read my textbooks and try to realize that we are all alone.

taking the silver spoon out of my mouth and smacking the crystal,

i stand up and vomit.

the curtains keep getting sucked back through the window and pushed out, strangled by the air and lack thereof.

my dog follows me through my empty house like an asteroid moon.

outside, i hear the cars start and the shovels break ice and the peace that compresses my soul.

my pillars crumble with the gripping lack of something essential.