you are depressed because you haven't built anything that, you feel, justifies your life. you don't feel like you've earned the right to life. but life is an inalienable right. what you absorb with your mind shapes you and you in turn shape the world. when it's your turn to grab the reins, will you do justice? 

i'm sitting in my car smoking cigarettes and watching Good Will Hunting on my laptop. in 40 minutes, i have another class and i know i failed the last test. it's a 2nd year biology course and i struggle with biology. i'm going to attend class even though i have no idea what's going on and i'm going to try my best to do better. my other classes are going alright, but i know i can do better. i want to finish school and be somebody that justifies their existence.

for now, i'll take it day by day. i'll finish this movie, go to class, try to understand that sodium channel stuff, and then go see my friends. it's a pretty okay life.

pink leaves tumbling out of your mouth, cutting me in quarters not dimes not pennies. you're the most horrible thing that's ever happened to me, but it's my own fault for being so goddamn stupid.

i get scared sometimes to leave the house and i'm so angry, so bitter. i lash out yet i'm the one left with the scars. i've got money on my mind but my wallet is so empty. i spend my money on stupid shit and cry when i don't have any money left for more stupid shit. i didn't write here for a while because i was worried about what to say, what it meant, what i was writing for. but then i realized that people come and go here. i've been here for over six years so i don't care what pretentious people, that see only what the inside of their rectum and small intestines look like, have to say about my writing.

and i realize that the people that are the most critical of others are the most critical of themselves, realizing that they don't like what they see in themselves so they decide to dislike what they see in others so they don't feel alone.

i'm difficult lately, but i'm in a lot of pain. i see babies with beautiful eyes and sweet voices everywhere and all i want to do is die so i can wash my hands and say sorry but i know i'll never be forgiven i know i'll never atone for my sin and my life is meaningless when i look at the immensity of the choice i made and how i wouldn't change it if i could so i'm sorry and sorry and sorry but it doesn't mean anything because i'm weak and feeble and the beat of my heart will never be the same with you gone from my soul. because you took a piece of my soul with you and i hope it serves you well as fly through the galaxy of nothing i condemned you to. i love you but i'm weak and humanity is cursed with the burden of humanity.