i was bullied for most of my mandatory school career. i remember we used to always have those anti-bullying speakers come in and teachers would often take time aside during classes to discuss bullying. during those speeches, i would try to make eye contact with the people who bullied me. i wanted to see if they truly understood what they did to me, if they knew how much it hurt, if they knew how hard it was to get out of bed when i knew i'd have to see them.

but i never caught their gaze. 

however, one incident showed me the depth of their ignorance and denial. we used to have our desks arranged in little blocks of four with two desks side-by-side facing two desks side-by-side. i was fortunate enough to have one of my bullies sitting in my group of desks, directly facing me. i got to see her ugly mind everyday for a year.

well, anyway, one day the teacher told us that conflicts are like snowballs. if you keep pushing them, they just get bigger. the best course of action is not to react and walk away so they would melt. 

i tried to look jade in the eye during the spiel, but she didn't look at me.

shortly after the anti-bullying speech, we were filling out some inane worksheets and she was really tearing into me. after many months of silent contempt, i snapped and said something mean back. 

she said, "you're just pushing the conflict more and making the snowball bigger. the cycle will never end if you keep doing that."

i was dumbfounded. i had no response. and you know what?

i wish i could go back in time to fucking punch that cunt in the face.

seriously, people that fucking dense will never learn. i wish i could go back in time and clock her real nice, make her bleed a little.

dumb fucks, all of them. fucking bullies.

kids, punch your bullies in the face while you can still avoid being screwed for assault. you'll get suspended but my god, you will attain catharsis.

i'm thinking about sad things. 

let's go 3 years back in time. i am seventeen years old. i am in love for the first time. i build skyscrapers and laugh at time. and then he leaves and i lose my fucking mind.

i bought a dress and i wanted him to look at me. he didn't show up. he didn't show up

what do you know about art? what does anyone really know about art? we're all vomiting and stomping on anything that's ever mattered. i screw up my face so it's ugly and leaking all of the horrible things that you don't want to read about. so don't read about them

we're back to the present now. but can we ever leave anything behind? what's the difference between letting go and blowing your brains out? it's the same progression of events. it's always the same decay of emotion that leaves me wearing a pretty dress that does nothing for my ugly, scrunched up face pouring out of its mold.

there is a difference between letting go and blowing your brains out. it's the difference between natural erosion and an atomic bomb. 

i'm chasing a fly around my room and i'm losing my fucking mind. it's a dizzy panic. as soon as i think it's flown out, i hear it buzzing again and i run around in a frenzy as i wave around my notebook. my eyes grow wilder each time and i'm shaking with anger as i know it's flying around like a disgusting little moby dick of flies. or is there more than one? are there many flies taunting me and alternating their invasion of my room to drive me insane? it flies by again and i wave my book around trying to force it out of my room but it buzzes around oddly, swerving again and again until i lose sight of it. i know it'll fly by again but it's too fucking stupid to see the doorway and i'm too disgusted to actually kill it. i just want it gone, out of my room, out of my life. but i'm too scared to knock it out. 

what? do you know what i'm talking about?

i've been wild-eyed lately, sharpening my teeth at any provocation. i don't want greasy opinions staining my mind. i want to bright ideas to tickle my mind like fresh baby's breath growing on an unruly path. the problem with the world is all of the goddamned, lousy, fucked up people.

and i'm one of them. 

i spent last night shivering in front of the police. they let us off. nothing special.

i wrote something on the bus:

'how can something so beautiful exist?' i think to myself,

as i climb through your eyes to watch the sun dip into your soul.

that's all. good night.