i was just remembering this one date i had with kyle. it was one of our first dates. we watched movies and had sex for the first time in my basement and then we went out to this expensive country bar. the waitress wouldn't serve us booze since we were underage, so we drank pop. we ate nachos and ribs and then finished with ice cream. and then the band started playing so we went to edge of the dance floor and began slow dancing. the music was fast and upbeat and people were dancing well. but kyle and i didn't know how to dance so we just held each other and swayed in circles. i kissed him and played with his ears as we laughed. it was freezing outside as we headed back to the bus station. i was wearing white heels that i could barely walk in and he grinned as i stumbled around and then moved in close to support me. when i got on the bus, i sat down and opened the window so i could kiss him goodbye. we've been together for six months now. and i ask myself: if i'd known what i was getting into, would i still have gotten into it?

my bones were branded "futile", but i still deemed them "functional". yet some days (especially the ones that rain), i can barely move for fear of losing all ambition. upon these days, i do often lose myself in hazes of smoke and i walk home, dully aware of the lights that i'm so "fortunate" to be heir to. but am i lucky? i'd say luck is relative. i eat horrible food and i give up on beauty for few days until i rise again. when i awake from this "fragile" state, i am fierce and polished to make for the time lost. i merge into society again, hoping to slowly demolish it from within once more and demonstrate to "friends" that there is more to life than "following".