i am alone. there is a single soul inside of me and no heart or mind. i am sappy and a fake. i will never be happy again. i will substitute chemicals. four years and i will never be anything. being right or being wrong, i am always hurt. i am always wrong.

my books. my lovely, gorgeous, beautiful books. all of them in garbage bags in the garage. all because my dad needed to exercise his authority over the household. all because he had a few too many. there are almost 200 of them. i paid for all of them with my hours measured in $9.50. i asked my mom to stop him but she laughed and told me she couldn't do anything. i managed to save my harry potter books though. my arms are a little bruised but that is not too bad. he can't hurt me like he used to. i am growing stronger day by day while he is getting weaker. he is scared of me. dumbledore says that tyrants fear the ones they oppress most of all. i am waiting now. i'm going to save them just like they save me all the time. all my bukowski, wilde, fitzgerald, dumas, barrie and so on and so forth. they are the geniuses pressed like leaves between pages. perfectly preserved and so fragile. books need protection but they also offer protection in a different sense. i am not alone. i have music and friends and polar bear cookies from starbucks and crisp winter mornings that aren't as cold as you'd think and i have paper and i have a pencil and i have the internet and i have my pencil sharpener and i have my compound and double angle formulas and i have electric potential and electric current and resistance and love and hate and revenge and redemption and my pearls and my iPod Touch and my laptop and my pencil case and my socks and all my new clothes and my job and my school and my math teacher who believes in me and my best friends who let me yell at them and my enemies who let me love them and my new shoes that my mom hates but i love and my bank account and my mail box key and i have harry potter and ron weasely and hogwarts and hermione granger and sirius black and remus lupin and albus percival wulfric brian dumbledore and i have my thoughts and feelings and hopes and dreams and i like me just the way i am. i will save my books. don't worry about me because i am so strong. i will keep getting back up and i will keep defending myself. i will never grow up more than i have to. you can't count on me completey but i will try. and i will keep trying. i hear snoring now so i think i will go hide my books in the suitcases in the basement. don't worry, my books will be saved. and i will just save myself while they are in hiding. it's okay. it's okay. don't get upset. i am here. and you are not alone.

i am dreaming of people i will never meet. they are those little girl dreams where you always have someone to help you look both ways. then a fox walks slowly up that spiral staircase and you know what is going to happen before it does. the scene will freeze and you don't get to see past the third step. with a swish of a tail, the animal disappears into the unknown of what you cannot see yet. when you do see, it is too late. but that doesn't matter because you know what is going to happen before it does. WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS just let your mind unravel and you will see. lose your marbles, loosen that screw, empty that attic, etc. there is a solution but i can't see it because i am blinded by my lack of faith. there is no feather. there is no watermelon. there are no laws of gravity and no vacuum. the variables are there but there is no equation. no concept or cause. i am begging with time to let me go. like the song but better. i don't want to see that flash of past in my peripheral vision. there is no cure except for sleep. i am short-circuiting. i could break it like the flip of a switch but it is not that easy. there are too many variables counting on me to set things right. my heart can barely write haikus it's so dumb. my head could give up on legs it's so angry. where have my fingers been i said where have my fingers been what what t'as une banane dans l'oreille quoi t'as une banane dans l'oreille quoi t'as une banane dans l'oreille quoi j'entends rien j'ai une banane dans l'oreile "tiny hope armies fight just outside the greenzone of my head. you can't imagine the things i would do for you." -pw paraphrased