i'll be frank. not the person, but the adjective. i have many relationships but they are all sick. the strongest one i have ever had was for about a year and some. it was based on how messed up we both were, so obviously it ended. we still talk once in a while. sometimes i'm up and sometimes she is- vice versa. oh, and by relationships, i mean in general. i'm not even going into the specific sense, because those ones are simply ill. i've shelled out a lot of money for people to listen to me, but it never get the results or the connections necessary. so i just sit in my basement and talk to God. i'm trying to keep busy but i'm so, so sick.

i'm trying to conquer but i just dont have the leadership skills to make it happen. and then i had to go and hate my old habits so they came back. i'm so tired and sad that my entire body seems to be feeling double the amount of gravity than usual. i must be assyrian in the way i'm stretching myself so thin. this grave lack of connection has me sitting with a handful of live wires. i'm trying so hard and i'm just failing. it's awful when you study for 3 hours and fail. or when you work 6 hours straight and then get yelled at and then have to go back to work. all the books and movies and songs i have loved mean nothing because they aren't real and never will be. it's always been just me, trying to convince myself that all "real life" needed was a dash of fiction to make it better. it all goes to shit no matter what you do. in the end, we're just compost and history homework for the next generation. listen to tyler durden because "you are not special." i don't have any room for "hitting bottom" this week or next week or the week after. i'll try to see if i can do next month, but no guarantees, OK?

the harmony between harry and ginny is so pretty! the musical is definitely worth watching! their other series "little white lie" is also great. yesterday after school i went with two friends to starbucks. and afterwards we bought the game apples-to-apples in wal-mart. then we played it in kravings cafe for two hours. when we got to my house we build an enormous fort with millions of sheets and whole lot of chairs and watched the musical on my laptop with loud speakers. it was nice to do something fun but i wish i'd just home and slept. i'm too tired for fun. i have to keep a semblance of a balance though.

school, work, homework, sleep. that has been my schedule since monday. I have never been a big fan of school. When I was in Grade One in India, I actually jumped out of a moving rickshaw so I wouldn't have to go to school. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I don't have that much nerve anymore. I am in Grade 11 at a Catholic High School somewhere north of the States. This semester I have Grade 12 University Math, University Physics, University Immersion French and World History to the 16th Century(this is my just-for-fun course). None of my courses are too amazing and I've been bogged down with homework since day one. It was nice seeing some of my friends again since I avoided parties like the plague this summer. This coming school year is going to be average.