i want to save somebody to save myself. i've been getting to know myself so much with these very late nights and i know that to redeem myself i have to help someone else redeem themself. there's no take without give and there's no unhappy queen without an equally unhappy king. all the songs i love are also loved by somebody else. i'm a hysterical mess right now but i know that means someone else somewhere else is hysterically happy. i wouldn't change it if i could. all the past connections have been severed and i feel the itch even though i know that there's nothing there anymore. the only solution is to bow my head and walk away with whatever grace i have left. i'll take the itch over the wound anyday. i used to think of "i will work harder!" as a slave driver's chant, but i know now that it's the faith in ones own ability to improve and overcome any obstacle. old friends should remain so because that feel won't ever be the same, no matter how much quote your past-selves. if you cloud your eyes with every sunset you've ever seen and stop at that proverbial gas station to fill your lungs up with roses, then you can get through anything with or without a team. all the souls that have ricocheted off of yours may not have the same dents as yours but at least, for that particular moment in time, they all bent at the same frequency. this is a memory. or at least, it will be.

my last healthy relationship died when i flushed those seeded clouds out of my system. immediately, after the last effect wore off, you were gone in a blue flash. and i paced around for about two years, saying to myself the whole while, "that pan better not come back. he'll get a lung full of charcoal, he will." this room isn't the same with swag(ger) because my spirit has been frozen to the quick for three years- right around last call. i'm just spewing nonsense because it's easier than being quiet and i dont have enough time to sleep as much as i would like. conclusion: the inventory check is complete- we've scanned the floor(no shelves) only to find a memory or two(not even enough to get nostalgic about) and there is a grave deficiency on close friends. build it(shelves) and they will come.