time is a relative term when it comes to me being glad that you didn't see me seeing you. this is a pun that even you wouldn't get. especially since i said you reminded me of bukowksi and you don't know who that is so i probably sounded like an idiot. anyway, it's been about two years. just thought i'd miss you a little bit. i just don't like the past. if i'm not learning from my mistakes, why should i have to remember them? all it does is sharpen my flaws coz "failure is angular". oh well, thanks for not raining on me during my long walk home. i saw lev yilmaz's "tales of mere existence" on youtube and myspace more than a year ago. then this year, in march, i was on a KLM flight from amsterdam to toronto, when i saw it on our in-flight TV. it blew my mind. isn't it great when you love something before it becomes prevalent? four episodes of "house" and two episodes of "the office" were also on the TV. best airline ever. unfortunately, this specific one was not available on the flight, though it is my favourite.

meaning is near impossible to find. i suppose it's because "teenage girl" is synonymous to "overemotional." everyone seems to feel different than everyone else but that just makes us all the same. i don't like it when i call somebody's name to tell them something and then they say nothing back but still expect me to know that they are listening. maybe it's because i'm new and all, but really, it's still common courtesy. at 15, love displays all the characteristics of an an overflowing landfill. full of candles that are just about shot and boxes of chocolates with only the gross pieces left. at times you just want to dump the entire mess into the ocean and watch it sink so deep and so far that you think you'll never have to feel that way again. and that's about the time an environmental activist will huff and puff and hand you a subpoena. there's a really funny whitest kids U know skit where this stupid couple want to live underwater and the girl's father is trying to talk her out of it. thinking about it though, wouldn't it be terrifyingly beautiful if it was possible? i always thought the sea held some sort of absolution. i sort of picture it as the place we go when we die- cold, blue, and final. you know, kind of like the way a person can say goodbye without any words. oh well, i guess i'll laugh it off.

i got a job! i'm in this musical number where i sing some solos! i'm making new friends! i'm getting closer to older ones! my grades are slowly improving! i'm not as moody as i used to be, but it's taking a little time take effect. sleep would speed things up a bit, but being busy is good for me. on a very serious note. i heard a few whispers about a willy wonka in our school. a scary but a well-supplied one. he supposedly has something to numb your mouth and mess with your nasal cavities. better now than later? gosh, all i know is that i have an empty guitar.

there's no use in being upset. nothing gets accomplished and there's no satisfaction. just get mad. when you're angry, you're more likely to let the other person know. when you're upset, you just keep it to yourself and the feeling of resentment increases. i just wish people were more straightforward. a lot of feelings would get hurt but there would no lasting resentment. i'm too tired. i don't want to guess anymore.