so maybe love is a hoax or whatever, something i can't understand. i've always feared that i was meant to be on the "evil side," you know, a tyrant. i have nightmares where i'm the next hitler, but then i remember that they're NIGHTMARES and not DREAMS so i'm not too terrible. i feel so much hate inside of me and it's broken through on many occasions. i want to be on the good side but i feel as if the devil on my shoulder crawled inside my head and infected everything. with the angel just sitting on the bridge of my nose praying and i can only do good deeds with my eyes crossed because it's so hard to see what is directly in front of you. it is what's inside of you is what counts. what if my insides are made of tar and spit? maybe i'm just another wolf in sheep's clothing. i want to be blessed and i want to save the world. but i feel like i have the wrong ideas for this kind of thing. it's so easy for my voice to go cold and my face to go blank or contort into one of the furies. and i get so disgusted when i get close to someone. the thing that keeps me from being a jackass is how horrible i feel when i hurt someone. it's like tar and spit paste on fire. i wish i could keep my distance from love, hoax or not, but it fills me with mineral water and honey.

it's snowing! i shoveled two driveways today. tomorrow i am definitely not going to be able to attend school. seeing as the public bus drivers are going on strike and it's going to be snowing and freezing rain. i love canada to death sometimes. i am drinking milk. i am allowed to put off my homework! i am too happy for no reason, but when have there ever been a need for one? hell no, no! riesens maybe, but that's entirely a different story.