i'm getting awful recurring nightmares so i am not sleeping very well. i read up on Josef Mengele and the Auschwitz concentration camp. he was a doctor. he experimented on jewish children. he injected chemicals into their eyes to try to change their colour. he injected poisons into their bodies. he was the one who discovered that when a human is scared enough, he sweats blood. imagine how fucking scared you have to be to sweat blood. he liked to experiment on twins especially. he actually sewed a pair of twins together. their veins and arteries and everything. to find out how a body would cope with two brains and two hearts. their parents strangled them to put them out of their misery. he was a world war II criminal. he was never caught. he died from a stroke while swimming on a beach in paraguay. then i learned about the "american holocaust" which was the spaniards torturing the indigenous people. it's equally as horrific.

everything seems so small and insignificant after what they went through. and they didnt deserve it. not one bit. all the so-called "tyrants" of my life are pathetic. my heart used to be big enough to fit people in the present. the past is so much more compact and flexible. and i'm scared of the future. i worry that it will be the same as the past. 

just coz it fits in my heart that doesnt mean that it's even a longshot of love.

youre everywhere and i am nowhere and i just cant compete with that. i'm keeping busy and i'm doing pretty well. but its not working. there are somethings you just can't fake. i dont know what to do. i'm really good at giving advice but even i cant think of a solution for this. truth is, there is a solution but my heart cant take it. i would cry and stay still for hours. and i haven't crawled home from worse than that. i'm sorry for being so small, but i'm only in highschool. you can't blame me for lack of power. you can look down on me all you want.

just dont expect me to look up to you.

i dont know if i like it. it's too big with too many extra features. it was nice when it was small and it was near impossible for people to contact you. not that i dont like being contacted. it's just that the people who contacted you before actually had to make an effort to find you. now, it's too simple. okay nevermind, worst complaints ever. it's just different. kind of like when someone you've known for a long time dyes their hair pink without telling you. its nice but now it somewhat ressembles livejournal.

we won gold in the field hockey finals. i got a shut-out. the medal is pretty. halloween was alright. i had a bunch of friends come to my field hockey game and then we rented movies and bought candy. then went to a restaurant for dinner. we watched nightmare before christmas, which was okay. colin just really wanted to see it, so we did. and then we watched the strangers where i tried really hard to be scared but it didnt work. the guy at the rental store said it was scary and it wasnt at all. we watched the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind because i insisted they see it. not only is the movie amazing, the soundtrack is too. jon brion is brilliant. we played the sheraton version of monopoly and made each other listen to our types of music.

i'm still undecided. i had this realization that i barely knew you even though we've been aquainted for a year and a half. all the meaningful looks lost in interpretation and the times i was so worried about you being sad. and the funny thing is that i spent more time ignoring you and avoiding you than i did actually letting myself see you and smile at you and being happy that you were there. you sound a little conor oberst but more self-assured. and you still have a crooked smile even if it's not covered in train tracks. you'd probably have no idea what i'm talking about. i dont know what i'm going to do when i see you walking my way. stare past you or make a face at you or just say hi. and i'd do either one with such conviction that you wouldnt know which one i'd really like to choose. oh well. i know it's silly, but i'm little and some things just can't wait.

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! 

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.