watched A Beautiful Mind and my own head is spinning. made me realize how crazy i am. i cant explain. all the screaming i hear and the rhythmic bass lines that write themselves down in my nervous system. the way i've switched my preferences to idealistic dreams. it's a coping mechanism. i'm very sensitive to bright light and when i drink tea i tell the host to give me four and a half spoons of sugar because reality is too bitter swallow alone. i'm ever so scared to be alone. but you wouldnt be able to tell with the way i walk like i'm floating. then sometimes, i have my feet stapled to the floor and any pretty bird will tell you what that's like. indifference annoys me because i care too much. and it takes a lot of effort to pretend that i'm normal and "not licked yet!" and alive when you aren't smiling back. its twenty-two past two in the morning and i'm still thinking. i'm the given-up kind of angry right now. my eyes are falling into my skull because of how deep and dark these circles are. but i bet mom always told you to be nice to zombies and other species of corpses with pulses.

i don't want to be in my story anymore, but i guess nobody ever really does. nevermind. sad in a destructive kind of way. i want to sleep all day; scratch that, never wake up. not suicidal but i just wish that i would spontaneously combust. there's a psychology term for it, but i really don't care. i'm like that dog in 101 dalmations trying dust away my footprints, but you know, there's not enough time because Cruella de Vil wants to skin me to make stylish clothing. just kind of drifting away again, feeling like a leper. i don't like this. it feels like i'll never get my late night car rides or early mornings on my front porch ever again. and those are the only things that make me feel awake because of the pleasantness of it all. i've slept so long but its dizzying to stand up. considering the fact that i might be seriously ill, but naaah i'm probably glamourizing something simple. it's funny how much i dislike myself and how in the same way i won't let anyone like me, or worse love me. because in all truth, everyone should hate me for all the not nice things i do. but thats what revenge is for and 'we accept the love we think we deserve'

everyone is so wrapped-up in their own issues right now. i'm not really as troubled as i used to be though. mostly thanks to the fact that i'm beyond exhausted all the time. i swear, nothing else matters. i'm behind in school though. i need to do like 2383913 responses for english for friday but i'm going to ask for an extension till monday. a comic strip for english, but i cant draw for shit. i need to borrow someones french book and do my article responses. i need to write my french presentation. most importantly i need to make my resume but my mom keeps being busy. i'm loving but i'm doing everything possible to make sure that other people dont love me. i miss helena a lot right now. she'd always read my entires and ask me why i was so sad. and we'd spend hours talking about it. we stopped being friends because i started hating hugs and i was always busy so we couldnt talk much anymore. she called a lot at first. then she just kind of stopped and things got weird. she was my bestfriend and then i just got cold and closed. she chased after me for a while before she gave up. now i don't really have much to my name except a stunning pair of circles under my eyes. oh well. people change and seasons don't change a thing. now she's really different. she doesnt like my stories and she doesnt like my songs. the only reason she still talks to me is by habit. she doesnt read this anymore so it doesnt matter that she doesnt like being written about anymore. 'sleep hard. wish well.'