This is starting to get to me. I don't know what im supposed to do. Do I keep acting like I care (but not too much) and keep being the sort-of-but-not-as-we-used-to-be-awkward friend? Or do I throw it all out there and care a bunch and try to hard and maybe get hurt or potentially look like the phsyco girl (which believe me i've looked like that enough) Or do I try to give up forever & forget which will last me a good 10 hours. I don't wanna ask him for fear of looking even dumber. I'm a strong believer in everything happens for a reason and i learned so much from it all but if I could go back and change it, I would in a heartbeat. At least then i could say I tried. Oh my god now i'm crying. I didn't try, I gave up. I had it sitting on a platter in front of me. But I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. This is the worst feeling ever. And the first time i've cried over a boy in a longg time. Actually, probably one of the first.

I really shouldn't go back and read these old ones anymore. I miss V. Not in a romantic way. I miss my friend V. :(

"I meant every word I said I never was lyin' when we talked in bed I'm retracin' every step in my head What did I miss back then? I was so, so misled" I dont get him. It sucks. He told me I really screwed things up and he didnt want anything "RIGHT NOW" What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is there maybe something in the near future? The far future? Never at all? I don't get it. You blame me for everything but obviously there was something that made me go for him. And there wouldn't even be a this time if it wasn't for last time. And I think we both know who to blame there. Ahh i'm so confused. "I'm waitin', waitin' for nothin' You're leavin', leavin' me hangin'"

So, it's the last night of summer and I feel I'm in need of a fresh, new start. So i'm getting everything off my chest tonight. And im too chickent to post it in a blog for all my friends to see so I figured on here. Here I go... 1. You are the one I always come back to. The one I can never get over no matter how close I am or how badly I want to. You keep me coming back for more, even if there wasn't much there in the first place. I know i've screwed everything so bad but I dont regret it for a minute cause it brought me to where I am now. "All you have to do is hold me And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be if you'll trust me, love me, let me, maybe, maybe I'm confusing as hell. Yeah I'm north and I'm south. And I'll probably never have it all figured out but what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this road without you. And I promise I'll try, I'll try to give you every little part of me. Every single detail you missed with your eyes. Then maybe, maybe, yeah maybe, maybe, maybe One day, we'll be together you'll need me, you'll see me compeltely. Every little thing, you'll need me, you'll love me, you'll love me" 2. You played your cards right, you sweet talked your into a hole. I don't feel bad anymore cause now I know the whole story. You played me and for some reason I don't care. You made me realize alot of things. And one of those being, you're not what I wanted. Apparently, I wasn't really what you wanted either. Thankyou. 3. I gave you alot. I know what I did didn't make sense to you but you still have alot of growing up to do. I hurt you, and you felt you had to get back at me for it. Thats what I get for dating a 1 year old. No you are not "talking to a wall" I'm a real human-being. With feelings. And you hurt them. Congratulations. I wish I could say I don't know what I saw in you. But I do. Everytime I see you, my heart aches but I could never forget what you did. 4. "You see your trap, you know I fell right through." I knew you weren't good. I let you decieve me. I hope I won't forget everything. Thanks for the memories. GOODBYE TO THE LAST THREE & HELLO TO NUMBER ONE? (you were the only one that ever mattered anyways)