Well, V is going to boarding school. If i'm lucky i'll get to see him this summer. dk;fjdsiflsafjdks;a. Roller coaster i tell you. I'm gunna miss him. & how he'd walk up beside me and grab my hand and play it off like it was my fault. & when he caught my skirt on fire. & how hed pick me up and pretend to throw me in the shrimp tank. & the one day when we laid on the table top together just staring at the pipe system in the ceiling. & how we'd always share food. & how we'd make fun of mo, or carl, or david. & our hand shake. & the day we were doing the lab and he tried to pull my sweatpants down and was shooting water at me the whole time. & how we could talk about anything. & how he'd always wear mo's clothes. & the day when he let me wear his jacket when i was freezing, i felt so special. & how he'd always put his hat on my head. & the first day when he stepped on the back of my shoes 20 times so i would turn around to talk to him. & all those other ones that could of happened. too bad they won't. i'll get over it eventually. but for now, i'll just look back on these & try to smile. hey, its better to of happened then to of never right?

I broke up with J. Scary. Can't believe i did it. I told V. & that i liked him but didnt want a relationship yet. He was very understanding. (: Off to bed. Tomorrow should be interesting. "What more than sorry can I say? What more than sorry can I be?"

I hope this isn't a never ending up and down. I woke up today with nothing but him on my mind. All morning i was staring at the clock just waiting for 2nd period to start. It had the promise of being a good day. I got to second hour, no V. I texted him and he told me he was kicked out for good this time. For some reason administrators like to fuck with people. They let him come back for a day & then changed their minds. Everything was going to be perfect. All i had to do was break up with J and it would be perfect. He told me he was going to ask me to prom. PROM. I wanted to cry so bad when i saw that. Do you know how perfect that would be? I wish i could just wake up from this nightmare. I still want him. But him not being there makes everything so much more difficult. My parents would never approve of him. I would be constantly lying. I don't wanna do that but they wouldn't understand. God must hate me. I know everything happens for a reason but i can't figure this one out. I know im a bad person for doing this to J but come on. I'm going to break up with him. Can that be the deal then? I break up with J & you let V come back and go to prom with me? Ugh if only.... Gunna go lay down, eat lotsa chocolate, & watch Greys. That combo always seems to work out nicely. "And its another one of those days when you'd wish it rain already and the sky's no ordinary shade of gray But you make it ok... Ohh yes, yes I do have a crush on you cuz see your trap you know I fell right through "

Wow, Alot has happened today. J called me last night. He acted totally normal and i thought i might just be able to do this. I woke up this morning and i though "Okay, i can do this. V is gone, I wont call or text or message or respond to anything he says to me and i'll be okay." And then guess who comes waltzing back into 2nd hour today, yeah V. And looking cuter as freaking hell must i say. Cuter than EVER. Oh boy. Anyways not long ago i checked my myspace and theres a message from V. Saying "Break up with J, & like me. Cause I have loved you since the day you were born." My heart melted, i shook, i wanted to cry, i felt like i was going to upchuck. Some of those not because i liked him so much, because it was making it so much more complicated. Well, I told him the truth. The whole truth. About how i like him & i've wanted to break up with J for a while now. Ahh im in a pickle. I have to do it. I dont know how, what im going to say, or when im going to. But i have to. It wouldn't be right not too. I wonder what he'll say. I wonder what he'll do. I'm scared. Did i even mention that V isn't a good guy? And J is? Oh god, am I making a mistake? I sure hope not. Wish me luck.

"You're about to try to trust yourself, I know it's so hard." I think i wanna break up with J. Kay, so i havn't been doing this lately so I think i wanna back track. B, well theres no story there. He likes the girl i knew he liked the whole time we were going out. He just finally admitted it. Although, i guess they're not talking right now. She pissed him off big time. & he says he can't like someone that big of a bitch. I think I want to break up with J. But something is stopping me. I dont know what it is but its something alright. I think im scared i'll regret it. Like last time. I have to do it though, i have to. Cause you see, theres V. And i like him. And I dont know why. Hes not a good guy. The exact opposite of J. He got expelled last week. Yeah, hes not good. But im attracted to him like a moth to the flame. dfkfs;jdkfjds;isa; I wish it was April 11th & all this was over. goodnight I'm going back to the start...

I found the prettiest rendition of Macy Gray's I Try. It's by Ben Taylor. Amazing I was in a weird mood last night so downloaded a bunch of Ben Harper. He's amazing too. All I want is my bestfriend back. You know the one person you spent every weekend with. The one that you lived with. I guess i still have that but now i've more or less been replaced. I'm number two. Which sucks cause they both used to be myy bestfriend. Now they're all just eachother. Did I mention im the reason they know eachother? Did I change or something? Because I feel like they have they're own little world. And I used to be a part of it but now im not worth it. Yesterday, K was being a bitch to everyone around her. So I had S. We were talking about how annoyed we were with her. It was quite funny. That night at a party K was all depressed and laying on me and stuff saying she needed to talk to me later. I figured it was D screwing her over again. She called me later that night only to tell me that she was upset cause she thought S was mad at her, she was being weird around her. I played dumb. Well la de freakin da. I doubt you go to S on a day where im annoyed with you, with that much worry on your face and in your voice, and vent to her about it. Or visa- versa. (BTW, is that visa-versa or vise-versa or what?) I wonder if they'll ever realize that im the one always there. ugh whatever. J just called me. Good mood now (: