Since you've been here now And I've been trying to heal inside. Okay, so Dashboard lyrics are generally trite. But, in other news, it really has been a year now since I've been a member on SongMeanings.net. That's a neat fact. Missy Higgins is my latest musical obsession. For once, not all of her songs apply to me. They really don't. If they did, my life would have a hell of a lot more romance, love, and general happiness in it. But still. She sounds lovely, and makes me feel somewhat happier. Jack's Mannequin & Spill Canvas are touring together in 2008. It's like God was like, hey, Samantha's life sucks hardcore enough, we'll give her a teensy weensy break. This makes me suspicious, this touring combination. My two favorite bands. Touring together. Something has to go viciously wrong in order for me to take this for what it is. Someone's going to die, or I won't be able to go to the concert, or someone will die on the date OF the concert and I won't be able to go, etc etc. Seriously. My life just doesn't go this well. It never has before so I'm hesitant to think it would now. Generally speaking, the way my life has been going these past few years, I must have been fucking Adolf Hitler in a past life - that's how much God hates me. Not that I'm super religious or anything. I'm Jewish, sort of. I celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas though, too. I don't even know what the fuck I am. Whatever. But still, I religion makes me all ... wishy washy. The way I see it that there are 2 different perspectives. one: that god has supreme control over everything, you know, like someone dies - oh, it's god will. but i don't really want to believe that, because that makes me feel like i have no control over my life. and it makes me feel like if that were the case, god really DOES hate me. but then two: your own actions determine what happens in your life. like, youre responsible for the shit that comes to you (karma, in a way, i guess?). but i mean, if thats the case, we're back to the WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE HALF THE SHIT IN MY LIFE. i'm slightly bitter. so, now that i've given my thoughts on religion, which isn't really what i intended to do with this post, um, i guess i'm going to go make some sandwiches. or something. if you read this, by chance, and are so infuriated by my feelings on the big g-d, or even better: want to clear that shit up for me so that maybe i can have a little faith or whatever, e-mail me. it should be in my profile. another thing that makes me a little angry is that you can't comment on journal entries here. there are a lot i read (generally the 'latest journal,' but still) & sometimes i want to comment on peoples shit and be like, oh hey, i know what you're going through. or hey, don't do that. or hey, you're overreacting. but i'd say it nicer, obvs. it's been a weird day.

Music is fucking up my life. Seriously. Not in an "I-listen-too-way-too-much-music-and-do-nothing-else" sort of way, but rather in a "My-emotions-are-heightened-tenfold-by-certain-songs" kind of way. I haven't decided if I like this or if I hate it. On the one hand, I like the way I have something to relate to. I'm not going to start popping out demos anytime soon, so I just be happy with what I got, right? So maybe it's me. Okay, I KNOW it's me, I'm just trying to blame it on anyone else. I've always been super sensitive to anything, and I relate to music better than I relate to anything else. But, for the sake of my sanity, I'm just going to go through some songs that are "ruining my life" (overdramatization, i know). "Sober" by Kelly Clarkson. Makes me cry every time I hear it. It's been 3 months since my dad died, and while I was already emotionally fucked up because of that, I feel like this song makes everything I feel magnified. Easy response? Don't listen to the song. But I can't help it. The song makes me feel slightly better... it's sort of empowering. It's about how three months have gone by since [insert tragedy/breakup here], and you're still breathing. Still trying to see the positive side, but yet it still hurts so bad. I openly sob when I hear this song. I hear it and wonder how my sisters can even get along with their lives when it's been three months, and here I am, happy just to be breathing. [/angst] (just kidding, there's totally more angst to come) "Chivas" by Kelly Clarkson Doesn't necessarily make me cry, but does make me a hell of a lot more emotional than how I was before I listened to it. It's sick sometimes, how personal a song can get. A guy I used to date a while back has recently taken to calling me incessantly (re: stalking) to get back with me. Funny, I wasn't good enough when something better came along, but now that HE fucked up and got her pregnant, and wants nothing to do with her - not to mention the fact that an aerosol can blew up in his face, and from what i hear he has pretty graphic scars EVERYWHERE - he wants me back. And for some reason, he thinks I am mentally deficient and will go along with his plan for eternal happiness for us willingly. Hi, no. I learned my lesson. "Chivas" helped me with that ("don't know what I saw, but I ain't seeing it now") and he doesn't seem to understand that I've changed since that naive girl who was so happy just to have someone who was 5 years older than her want to be with her. see, i told you the angst was still coming. "Can I Have A Kiss?" by Kelly Clarkson, too! This song is more abstract than the other two. Meaning, not the entire thing applies to me. But, I acknowledge the fact that I am fucked up, and probably not relationship material. But still, if you like someone, you like someone, right? There's no like, grey area there. So when K.Clark's belting out "I tried to warn you, I've been a mess since you've known me. I can't promise forever, but I'm working on it. If I can't hold you can I give you a kiss?" I can't help but feeling like it's my life. I just moved to a new state to get away from EVERYTHING my old life had to offer (re: MA to NC) and there is this guy that I like. But I can't promise a relationship, because that would be totally unfair to him. But, I can't help but to be selfish and think, that maybe a kiss would suffice. A casual kiss. Something like that. Ugh, my life and it's teenage-like angst. "For Blue Skies" by Strays Don't Sleep Okay, so I know that the song was originally wrote for the lead singer's brother who was sent to prison. But if I didn't know that, I would swear it was written for my dad and I. My dad left, and moved out of the house, and as a result of HIS doing (not mine at all), we didn't speak for a while, because he thought it was for the best. So, couple that with the lyrics of: "It's been a long year since we last spoke... I never believed you, I only wanted to. Before all this, what did I miss? Do you ever get homesick? I can't get used to this." then, to add insult to injury (or whatever that phrase is, or you know, insert phrase that makes more sense for this situation, whatevs) My dad killed himself in November. So THEN the song just HAS to go: "Could I have saved you? Would that have betrayed you? I want to burn this film of you alone with those pills." And hypothetically, let's say I'm not emotionally affected by the song to this point. I'm okay. Then I start BAWLING at "What you couldn't do, I will. I forgive you." ...tell me again how music isn't fucking up my life? I am like, an emotional mess. And i know, it probably has NOTHING AT ALL to do with these songs, just the situations behind them, but, instead of blaming anything on ME, i would much rather blame it on music. i probably have a complex, i realize this. ...it feels good to write it down, at least? ugh.