even though the fridge is bare and we are basically eating dirt at this point, my dad still drags his sorry ass out the door each morning with his briefcase full of old papers, seemingly oblivious to the fact that we all know he's been laid off for like a month. i dont pretend to be all knowing about our financial status but its become pretty fucking clear, especially since we've had a steady diet of ramen, cottage cheese, and bargain bag bananas for the past 26 days. i'm hungry all the time and my boobs are shrinking. i think about food subconsiously, dream it. when will i be able to eat next? how much? but the one thing i would never touch is the 600 calorie heartattack phish food ben and jerrys because even though that used to be my favorite, all i can think of now is asher and how he gave me a carton of that flavor with a candle stuck in and how that was the last i'll ever see him which in itself isnt so hard now that im used to it...anyway i'm not making a lot of sense, it's been ages and my fingers are rusty. i've given up all that petty pseudogangster shit, i've got my head screwed on tight and my eyes glued open. i've got opportunities and i can't afford not to take advantage of them. i need to get out of here. im saving up so that i can drive downstate and work at an organic farm before college...maybe i can get in on scholarship, not likely but still possible. and once i'm in minnesota for school, i doubt i'll look back. i feel bad sure, especially for my dad...for my mom, my sister, but i need to do this. i need to work and feel sun on my face and goat milk surging through my veins, growing stronger and whole. not like now with a hollow chest and crumbling bones. it's like you dont realize how easily money gets sucked up until its gone and you cant get any new jeans when all your others slide off your hips and you can't go out with your friends cuz all you have is a few quarters you found in the hall. but your money is going somewhere safe, safe locked away tight and once the time is right your going to burn up the pavement heading the hell out of here...