Soil, Soil - ♥Tegan and Sara♥ (This Song Describes My Feelings At The Moment) Oh and I'm feeling directionless yes But that's to be expected and I know that best And in creeps the morning and another day's lost You've just written wondering and I reply fast All you need to save me Call and I'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all And I won't take any other call I feel like a fool so I'm going to stop troubling you Buried in my yard, a letter to send to you And if I forget or god forbid die too soon Hope that you'll hear me, know that I wrote to you All you need to say to me...

Karma Yo! So turns out I like the guy that I dumped last summer. And it sucks cause he rejected me now. Told me he doesn’t feel that way for me anymore. And I found out he likes someone else. It hurts knowing you’re not good enough for someone anymore. That I had my chance and I lost it. Like it really does hurt. Is it bad if I cry a bit over this? I can’t even occupy myself with anyone else. Cause he’s always what I think of. Who I wish I was with. And then seeing pictures of the girl that he likes now, it’s just like, I can make fun of how bad she looks and how dumb she probably is, but that doesn’t change the fact that he likes her instead of me. I’m not good enough, I’m not fun enough, I’m not exciting enough, I’m not spontaneous enough, I’m not anything enough. And it hurts…a lot actually. I wish I were what he wants. That I were the ideal chick for him, but I’m not. Getting over him isn’t going well. I wanna stay friends with him, and act as if none of this is bothering me, but it is. I wanna be friends like we were before, because that’s what he wants, and I guess there’s no use in still liking him if he doesn’t like me back. I’m pathetic. Usually I get over people pretty quickly. Only one guy has ever made me take a while to get over them, and I promised myself that I would never let any other guy keep me interested for more than a week. I hate this. Going back to friends is gonna be hard. I think I can do it tho. I hope I can do it. You know what sucks tho, that I gave him a trial period last year to see if I developed feelings for him, and I didn’t so that’s why I broke up with him. But I know him, and he wouldn’t do that for me. I wouldn’t mind bringing it up to him tho. He wouldn’t go for it. Gosh I’m sooo pathetic. This hurts. I need something, someone, anything, anyone. I need to get my mind off of him like now. ….I don’t want to get my mind off of him =/

Elle danse seule Ephémère et légère J'oublie tout, mon passé, mes misères Elle danse seule, seule So....ummm, yea, I just realized I completely didn't post in a while. Lots has happened, I just haven't posted anything, so let me take time out of my very eventful day and post some stuff. Soooo, last time I posted I said I was starting to like the friend that I was dating, well, that kinda ended. I broke up with him, and I feel pretty horrible about it. But I figured if I only liked him a little, and he liked me a whole bunch, then it wasn't fair to him if I stayed with him. So yea. I still feel horrible tho. I don't feel like I can talk to him anymore cause everything I say might hurt his feelings or make him mad or make him hate me. So it's a little awkward between us. Other than that, there's this guy I work with who's kinda I don no. He's older, by like 3 years, but looks way older than that. I think he thinks I'm pretty, but then again, (and not to sound conceited) a lot of guys think I'm pretty. I honestly don no why lots of guy think I'm pretty. I play around a lot saying things like I'm so pretty, and you love me a lot but honestly I don mean it. I really don think I'm pretty. I'm not skinny, I have nothing special about me, and I feel as if my personality sucks a lot at times. But I don want pity from anyone, I don want the whole Oh, no Lexy, you're really pretty. Don't think that about yourself So no one really knows how I feel. But yea, back to the guy I work with...I don't know what he wants from me. He's a guy. And most guys only want to make out with me or sleep with me, so I don see how he would be any different. He's nice, but for some reason I don believe the whole thing. I feel like it's all an act, like he's thinking Oh, I have to be a good boy for this girl, or else nothing is gonna happen I don no what to think. Honestly tho, I think the only thing that's bothering me is that I don no what he wants from me. I just wanna know. I just want him to tell me flat out if he wants to just make out with me, or if he likes me. Cause once I know, then I can go on and think about other stuff. Cause if he just wants to make out with me, then I guess he can join the club, cause he's not the only one. And I'm not really gonna be hurt if he just wants to make out with me cause he's not the first person who would have told me something like that. But if he really likes me, then I don no. I'm a horrible person to like. I'm so indecisive and I send mixed signals and I'm all crazy and everything. Ugh, I hate things like this, they make me think too much. I feel bad tho, cause he's tried to kiss me a couple of times, and I just can't bring myself to kiss him. I don no what's wrong with me. I had no problem kissing a guy during a trip freshman year, but now I can't kiss him. I think I'm defective. I need help or something. Cause the way I'm acting is really pissing me off. Hmmmmm....let's see, other than all the guy stuff, I think the only thing that's really bothering me is my job. I work at a pizza place and the guys that work there act like little girls in high school. People like them are the reason I don really like hanging out with girls. GIRLS ARE BITCHES And plus when I'm with girls, I become a HUGE bitch. I like myself better when I hang out with guys, cause then I act like a guy, and I like acting like a guy more than I like acting like a girl. But yea, back to the whole work thing. The guys that own the place, or are bosses or whatever, they always gossip. They're so mean to costumers, and they always gossip about everyone that works there. Just everything. It's irritating sometimes. But what can you do, What ever happens happens, and I guess I'm sticking this out for the cash. What else is on my mind....Ummmm, I think I wanna become Buddhist. Looks more interesting than Catholicism and I like some of the things they believe it. So I'll see where that goes, I think I'll change religions on my birthday so that it's a day I can remember. MY SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY: THE DAY I BECAME A BUDDHIST Let's hope. Ooo....I'm been a big bitch lately to everyone at school. I keep flipping out on people or acting extremely emo. I think it's cause of my period, but it's still pissing me off. I don care if I have a reason for it, I just hate acting like this. I wanna act like a normal person again. I need to fix everything that's on my mind ASAP. As for school, I like my schedule. As soon as I drop my first period, I think I'll like it a little more. But other than that I think it's pretty good, I kinda like not having to bring my swim stuff to school everyday. I feel as if it's gonna make me less stressed out this year the fact that I don't have swim class. Wellllllllsssss........That's it for today. I wrote too much, Don't know if it sounds good, but I wrote as it popped up in my mind...so bare with me. Until Next Time.... ~Lexy~

Well...so, the guy I'm dating says cute things and that makes me happy. Today he told me he liked me more than a fat kid could ever love his cake, and that just makes me feel special. I think I kind of like him just a little more...like an itty bitty bit little kinda big amount of more. Till Next Time ~Lexy~

I realized today that I never explained anything about the counselor that keeps me occupied during camp. He's not that great looking, but he's really nice and fun. He reminds me of someone but I just can't figure out who. Oh wells...I'll figure it out eventually. Umm...as for today, nothing really happened. I feel bad cause I'm not excited when I talk to people like the guy I'm dating and my best friend. It's just irritating sometimes. I don no, maybe I'm just tired or something. Maybe by this Saturday I'll be more excited to talk to them cause I'm gonna see them for a movie. Ok...well, until next time ~Lexy~

Can you say fucking retard?? Because that's what I was today. Ok, so I went to see Harry Potter at Midway and it was good. I liked it. But after the movie I saw this guy, and he looked at me. And I looked at him, and we looked at each other for a good while. He was freaking GORGEOUS. Like Wow gorgeous. But at one point when he looked at me I looked at him and then I looked away as in to say "You know you want me, now work for it" but I guess my eyes and face said something else because when I got out of the movie theater I didn't see him anymore. I'm so mad because I wanted to see him again. My lose, my stupidity. In other news, I tend to act like I don't have a boyfriend when it comes to guys. I always say I wanna meet a couple of hot guys and stuff. I feel bad about it, but it just hasn't struck me yet that I'm dating someone. I just feel like we're still friends and that nothing has changed, and I feel bad about that because I know he likes me so much (or so people tell me). I don't no, maybe in a while I'll have this all figured out and maybe in a while (hopefully soon) I'll see that hot guy again...I HOPE I SEE HIM AGAIN, until then there's always that camp counselor.

Soooooo....no more dilemma, I'm actually dating the friend that liked me. Kinda weird, I don feel anything. Like no butterflies, but I'm not scared or regretful of dating him either. So I guess in other words it's fine. In other news...a really good friend of mine graduated today. I cried so much. He wrote me the cutest letter, it summed up everything that was on his mind, how he thought about me, just everything. That was the cutest thing in the world, now every time I read it I start to cry. I'm gonna miss this guy like crazy. He is the only guy that I know that likes me for me. He likes my temper, he likes my attitude, he likes the way I'm cocky and he just basically likes me. There is no way I'm ever gonna find someone else like him. Every time I feel bad he helps me. Every time I feel like everyone is gonna hate me for something I did, he always says "Lexy, there is nothing you can say that will make me hate you." I'm gonna miss him sooooooooo much. I'll keep you updated. Talk To You LATER ~Lexy

Ummmmmmm......so this year was pretty boring, and as much as I act like I hated this year for being boring, in reality i'm actually kinda glad it was boring. No drama with me, nuthin bad happened, nuthin big, just a normal nice year. That is, until today. So, as I said last time I had a crush on this guy and I think he likes me too or so I thought. Apparently all he wants to do is get in my pants, u no have a little pants party. So basically he's just being a typical guy. And that kinda hurts cause I thought he liked me but I guess not and he was like the first guy I honestly liked for the whole year. Like last year, I was just like "Oh I'm bored, let me start liking this random guy" but this year it was an actual crush like a real thought felt crush. So it hurts a little, but I'll live. Ummm..as for what else made my day weird is that a guy that I'm really good friends with has actually liked me for like 15 months or something. Now 15 months is a freaking long time to like someone, hell I can't last liking someone for 15 months. 15 months is more than a year. How the hell do u stay stuck on one person u don have for like 15 months??? Anyways, so yea, he likes me and his friend pretty much decided to tell me this on like the before last day of school. I hate turning people down, and that's not to say I'll turn him down, but it's just sudden and I don no what to say to him when I see him. And I'm pretty sure he knows that I know that he likes me. So, basically I'm in a dilemma on the last few days of school, and it kinda sux balls I'll keep u updated Until Next Time ~Lexy~

So....nuthin new. Just bored. Actually, I did find out that someone likes me, it wasn't who I thought it was, but it was someone I honestly wouldn't mind going out with. Last year I kinda screwed this guy over and was mean to him just cause he liked me, but now I'm kinda hopin for a second chance. But then again, I'm retarded when it comes to guys and I have a feeling that I might mess this up. Don no, I'll get back to you sooner or later. XOXO *Lexy*

Winter by: Joshua Radin Listen to it...good song Sooo....Ron broke up with the Freshie. Not as exciting as I thought it would be. Over the break I kinda stopped caring about their relationship, and then to my surprise they decide to break up. I feel bad now that I don't care tho. I feel like I should care, but I just don't. WELL....in other news, I finally have my first crush on an asian guy. I honestly never thought I would like an asian guy, but I do. And it's weird cause he's one of those guys who's obsessed with himself, and I kinda like that. I don no, I think I'm just keepin myself occupied until something interesting comes along. Which might be a while because nothin interestin has happened at all durin sophomore year, it feels kinda weird cause freshman year was full of gossip and stuff. But I guess on some level I'm happy that nuthin is happenin sophomore year, so that I don argue or avoid or kiss anyone. There's always an upside to things. Well...that's all I have to say TTFN *Lexy*

This is my first journal entry, and at the moment I need to vent, so bear with me.... Ok.....so, background info: I'm a sophomore at QHSSYC which is a high school in New York City. My name is Lexy and I'm a chick. I have a short temper and...I guess that's all you need to know about me So...there's this guy, he's a senior, and his name is Ron. For almost 6 months or so, Ron has had a crush on me. When he told me about it, I told him it wasn't the time for me to have a boyfriend because me and guys never work out too well. He seemed to understand, but he still kept his feelings for me. Fast forward to this year, when the new freshman came into our school. This girl named Melesa (or whatever) began to develop feelings for Ron. Ron kinda liked her, but I guess nothing special. When I heard that Melesa asked Ron out I guess you can say I became a little jealous. I'm a naturally jealous person, so you can't blame me. Well, I decided to do the "right" thing and I told Ron to go out with Melesa if he thought that nothing was ever going to happen with me. I feel good that I told him to move on with his life, and not wait for me to end up with him, but I hate that he's dating that retard of a girl. I don't no...I'm just being selfish I guess. What I need is to make out with a guy no strings attached. Or at least to go out with someone that doesn't like me, so that it'll be a challenge to get. Other than that, I don't no what to do, and I feel horrible, but I don't even know why.