Tomorrow is the last day. God, help me to get through this, and to do it gracefully. Ideally, he'd fall for me before he left. But I know that's not really an option, so just let me survive this and make the best of it. I'll ask again that he follow the path he's meant to follow, whether it be me or her. Of course I pray it's me, but I *will* trust You.

"Ooh my dear, can't you see, My heart is breaking now? All my love's gone to waste, And I can't change it now." "Hide and seek. Trains and sewing machines. All those years, They were here first." "If love is surrender, Then whose war is it anyway?" "Let me come down easy, Let me be the one." "You've got one love on your mind. Try to get to heaven If you got the time. I feel something I can't deny, Oh, no . . ." "But I'm in so deep, You know I'm such a fool for you, You got me wrapped around your finger, Do you have to let it linger?" "But I’m flying so high, High off the ground When you’re around"

Mark, I think I may have fallen for you. Not fallen all the way, thankfully, but far enough to make your engagement and your leaving hurt terribly. You're what I want, you're what I've been looking for most of my life. Before I realized that I was attracted to you, my criterion for guys was totally undeveloped. But a hundred facets of your personality I've realized I want in a guy. Your sense of humor, how amazingly musical you are, your taste in basically everything. I don't just have romantic feelings for you - I respect you above anyone I'm not personally related to. Is there even the slightest possibility of "us?" If you hadn't been engaged, could I have had you? Am I too young, too structured for you? Sometimes I think you feel something for me, even just a faint attraction, but I know you. Your fiancee means so much to you, and I know she loves you just as much. Is it possible you rushed into it? That God actually meant for the two of us to be together, and that somehow it'll still happen? The fact that you're leaving youth band means that I won't see you anymore, which hurts terribly. Couldn't you have stayed? Wouldn't you have stayed if we were meant to be together? Something about you is magnetic. Does she feel that way as well? Your personality, your soul call to me, and I'm deeply afraid that you're the only one who will ever hold that special sway over me. God has a plan through all of this, but more than anything I want to know that you're following it, and you won't be screwing us both over by getting married. You're the first guy that I've thought seriously that I could give up my dreams for - you don't need to be a doctor, a dentist, or a lawyer. I'd give up that Honda S2000, the nice house, whatever diamonds I'd ever thought about, just so that I could have you. That's a huge deal. I don't know where my California film dreams and your dreams of missionary or outreach work would mesh, but by God I'd make it happen. For you. And I guess I'm being melodramatic, but I don't honestly think feelings this intense can be written off the way most people say they should be. I'm not denying that it is currently impossible, but I want it. I want you.

Breaking the regular alternating deal, I'm going to mutter about the guy again. Maybe I'll just shove the alternating thing completely . . . I assume you won't be reading if you don't like angst, but I've been told that I'm really not that angsty (at least comparatively). Either way. Sunday was lovely - I do love youth band. It scared me a bit, though, because I felt a tiny bit of hope coming back concerning the guy. It seems totally inconsequential, but Sunday night, we were singing some song, I don't remember which. I keep the corner of my eye on the guy at all times, because his is the voice that I harmonize with (something changing after next week), so I sing off him in more ways than one. About halfway through some song - maybe God of Wonders? - and the guy turns a bit so he can look at me from an angle, then smiles directly at me for several seconds. Yes, it's practically nothing. But it meant a huge amount to me, and I wonder if maybe it belied a tiny bit of feeling from him too. Is it absurd to think that maybe, just theoretically, we could be meant for each other? Maybe that he actually rushed into this thing with the fiancee (four years could be rushing, sure), and I could have a chance? I'm a Christian, and I believe that God has set everything up for me in advance. I certainly have free will, but it basically comes back to "everything has a purpose." So to my mind, there are two options: I'm meant to be with him, or I'm not. If I'm not - the obvious, if not hopeful, choice - then there are two other options: I'm supposed to learn something, or I'm in sin. I can't believe I'm in sin, but . . . I don't know what there is to learn, either. I don't actually believe that the guy meant anything by that smile, but I've said before that I'm basically on a precipice with him; if he once smiled at me and *did* meant something by it, I'd fall hard and fast. For now, I'm safely half a foot away from the edge, but things like that shove me a little closer. I'll inch back eventually, but it's rather dangerous. He's so dang attractive. Even when he's just being silly, or when most women would find him too goofy to like, I find him alluring. He was cracking me up the other night - he had just gotten off work before coming to band practice, and still had his work shirt on. After about an hour of playing, he got hot and pulled off his overshirt. Underneath was this hilarious T-shirt with "Chichen Itza" scrawled across it in '90s letters. And he grins and goes, "I've had this since the third grade." Then we're like, "yeah, we can tell," and point to the giant holes in his armpits. So he gets this fake solicitous look on his face and puts his hands behind his head like a model and poses for a second. My gosh he's hilarious. Just the little things like that, when his sense of humor is showcased, make me want him. At this point, everything reminds me of him - Coldplay and The Shore, which we share an interest in, Ong-Bak and The Protector, anybody talking about guys, other guys, any form of music. I'm afraid I'll constantly be comparing other guys to him, and that this'll stay with me a long time. That's the last thing I want. I either want him, or to get over him. This coming Sunday is his last week with us, though. I know I never had one in the first place, but I'm afraid I'm losing my chance. I mean, would God even be able to convince him that we're right for each other if he never sees me anymore? That's absurd, I know. But I guess the biggest thing is that I won't be able to see him anymore. Even if I can't have him, I'd still like to be around him. I've not completely given up yet. I'll miss him horribly, for his humor as well as just being around him.

I sound so emo on here, which is terribly lame. I'd like to mention that I'm not, in fact, all that angsty, this is just the outlet I need. I've given up trying to talk even with my best friend about this stuff - it's boring for her, and it's basically better for me to be able to ramble about it whenever I want to. Youth group was terribly fun tonight - the worship was incredible, first of all. I think most of the band was actually worshipping, something we need to be doing more of. We lead worship, but half the time we don't worship ourselves. We're working on that. The guy was just hilarious tonight, as well. When he came, he seemed just a bit down, I guess. By the end of the night, he was back to his regular, crazy self. I just love his personality - he's so playful when the circumstances are semi-appropriate. Last night he somehow managed to get Wes (the most athletic of our small bunch) literally diving through a rolling hula-hoop. And Wes managed to do it perfectly several times, miraculously. Then he finagled Erich (one of the twins in the band) to do an Ong-Bak straight jump through two hula-hoops, and kept spacing them further and further apart until Erich decided enough was enough. It was hilarious. Then he tried, and was sliding all over the floor. I'll ask both him and Wes about rug burns tonight. And then Rebecca, Alyssa and I sat in a row and made comments while waiting for the other Rachel to tell Erich that she likes him. None of us approve of her telling him, but she and the other girl that likes Erich made a pact. If Rachel didn't tell him, Kristen was going to tell him that she liked him. So it was inevitable. But then she didn't do it! So Alyssa came up to me while Rachel was standing next to me a few minutes after our circle broke up and says (loudly), "I hate wasted opportunities." Then she sighs at me, and we both started laughing like we were mad. Rachel just gave us this look . . . I love my youth group, but it is going to seem empty when the guy leaves. He's going to "pursue other ministry opportunities," whatever that means. His being all serious about it makes me wonder. I love how sometimes, youth group just feels so intimate and warm. Last night was the best example - it was great to connect with Alyssa a bit, as she's normally pretty quiet. And then hanging out and laughing in that small, loving group was so fulfilling. Watching the guy and laughing with him was great as well.

Here's another song basically by the same girl that deserves its own post. Psychobabble is actually by Frou Frou, but Frou Frou was Imogen Heap's former band. She takes the same role in both, as far as I can tell, as singer and songwriter. In her Frou Frou years, I'm sure she had some help with the songwriting, but I don't sense much difference personally. Anyway, Psychobabble has a hint of a "stalker" vibe, but that could very well be what makes it so cool. I don't take credit for these ideas personally, but it sounds like she's singing one side of the conversation between her and her stalker. "How did you get this number?/ . . . Of course you're not coming over/ . . . I never gave out those signs/You misunderstood all meaning." To me, she's speaking to someone who assumed that she was open to his advances. She's confused about how he got her number - that has stalker written all over it. The other train of thought - that she's pushing away her current love because he's getting to emotionally close - is quite plausible, though. "Cause I don't know how long I can hold my heart in two" is the best example. Is there a stalker/lover hybrid I could agree with fully? Past that, Psychobabble is just technically beautiful. It's given a dark aura by the bells or chimes at the beginning; combined with the minor key and the slightly menacing lyrics, it drops you into a mood. The little foreshadowing she employs in the pre-chorus (where she sings the next few words in the background) is amazing, as is the musical noise (I can't explain that - I hope you get my meaning) that fills up the background and enriches the whole piece. Imogen Heap/Frou Frou understands harmony in ways that I could never fathom - it's practically miraculous. I consider myself a fairly good backup/harmony singer, but the odd seconds and minors she employs are pleasing to the ear and dischordant at the same time. That takes skill.

The guy is going to phase himself out of the youth band, sadly. He's basically the core of the band in several ways - he arranges (with a little help from the rest of us), he plays the keyboard (the base of the thing, as the guitar has been playing a lot of lead), he sings (his melody is the strongest, the one that I keep harmony with), and he is the rhythm which our drummers and guitar players work from. All personal feelings aside, that's quite a blow. We'll manage, really, but we'll be scrambling a bit. We're currently trying to figure out whether I'll be following his act on the keyboard, which is basically murder. I've mentioned before that he's so much better than anyone else in the world, but it'd still be possible for me to take over. I don't love the idea, but we could use a keyboard for filling . . . But then there are the personal feelings. Band practice and youth group are the only times I ever see him, basically. We go to the same church, but that's the time when we actually get to connect a little. When he leaves, my chance is over. Not that I have any chance anyway, but there's always hope. His leaving will take a fair amount of fun away from band practice, and that's not because of how I feel about him either. He's just pure entertainment. We had band practice yesterday, and I swear we have so much fun at band practice. I had to work that day, so I was about an hour late. The youth pastor mentioned briefing me, so the guy looks at me, sighs deeply, and, totally deadpan: "Rachel, we're kicking Erich out of the band." Erich is one of our two drummers - the two switch off. Erich's twin plays lead guitar for us. So Erich, sitting with our other drummer between the two of us, sighs as well and goes, "it's true." The guy laughs for a minute, cuts back to deadpan, and goes, "we caught him stealing. Again." And Erich goes, "yeah, again." We all dissolved into laughter. It was a beautiful moment.

Continuing with our regular programming . . . I've loved Vertical Horizon dearly for about two years now, as passe as that probably is. They were vaguely known in the '90s, but I didn't catch on until my sister introduced me to them via my then-new iPod. She's loved them . . . since they first began, I guess. Her then-band, Stained Pure, was hanging out downtown a long time ago when they saw that a new band called Vertical Horizon was playing at a local coffee shop. They decided to go, and thus my sister discovered Vertical Horizon. You've probably heard a little of Vertical Horizon - their Everything You Want was somewhat big for a little while on the pop charts. Realistically, that was one of the least of their songs, but that's okay. Any exposure is basically okay by me. I think the pilot episode of Alias actually featured . . . Miracle, I guess? The other of my not-so-favorite songs. Vertical Horizon is something of an edgier Coldplay, or a not so comforting Shore. They're very much their own band, though. Echo, Inside, Sunshine, and All of You are some of their best - check them out. I feel like I've already talked so much about Vertical Horizon to most of my friends and acquaintances that it's largely pointless to discuss them anymore. Take my word for it, find them on iTunes and get a snippet. They're quite good.

Comments, questions, and encouragement are all welcome. It's nice to know that someone is reading, and that I'm not just writing into the vast, empty space that is the internet. My Xanga is Rachel_greeneyes - that's the best place to comment, I guess. Please don't be too explicit with names and whatnot (this is the stuff I won't post on my Xanga, since my parents and not-best-friends read it), but comment anyway. I have an e-mail address specially for my gaming friends, which is a good alternative: ravynnmail@gmail.com

I want him terribly right now. I'm reading this book, Captivating, and the whole thing is about how to be the woman God wants me to be. Sounds stupid, but it's pretty fascinating. Part of it is how to be gentle and sweet while still strong and loyal, but another part is learning to let the man in your life fight for you. That sounds stupid too, but guys need to feel like they're fighting for you, and that they're the man in the situation. And reading about all this stuff makes me want a relationship in which to practice what they're talking about. I do want a "relationship" right now, and he's the one I want it with. Having talked a decent amount to a guy friend of mine (we went through the he-likes-me-but-he-isn't-a-Christian deal, and now he's one of my closest friends) about dating and relationships and love, I crave it really deeply. I want to be the woman that he walks into a room, sees, and is totally ensnared by. I want to be the only woman he thinks about, the only one that has his interest, the only one who he desperately wants to talk to every morning when he wakes up. I want to know that I own him - heart, mind, and body. And I want to be the woman who gives her heart, mind, and body completely to him. Don't get me wrong - I have no intention of doing that last one until we would be well and married, but that is a part of it. I want the kind of passionate, undiminished love that means I'll forever melt at one look from him, and that he needs me desperately. The kind of love cheesy songwriters mourn, where he'd need me like air, like breath, like life, but not in the cheesy way. I want to be the woman that certain words from Ringside perfectly describe - "You infect me." In all the ways that deep, intense love makes right, I want to be desired. I want him to feel strong around me, to know that i depend on him absolutely. Like in the book Captivating, I want him feel validated and secure when he fights for me. And the sad thing? He probably feels this way about his fiancee, and he'll probably never feel that way about me.