Frak this entire thing. Right now, I would give about anything to tell Sean, Chris and Kristen exactly what I think of them. Sean - I thought you and I were on the same page, but you basically turned on me. Chris - I would love to know what Kristen told you, because you turned on me too. I'd guaruntee she's said all of it to me before. And Kristen - you pulled a nice one on us. Thanks, guys. Hope it's worth it. And I hope none of you three make the mistake of calling me tomorrow.

To WishingForYou - Oh golly, Mel. I'm really sorry. That's horribly sad. Resist those urges and try to remember that Jesus is the only guy you really need. You don't need to hear that, I'm sure. But I'll be praying for you, and I hope you'll be okay.

Kristen is still ticking me off now. I've got four bulletins, a message, and a comment about the two songs she composed on her keyboard. She's so hyped about them - "they're part of my soul," she says. They'd take an eight year old about three minutes. There's no singing, there's only broken chords on the left hand and very simple, slow melody on the right. I ended up denying her comment on my myspace - I don't feel like letting her use my myspace as an ad service. That's just absurd. I wish she'd just get off the fence - could she choose to be obnoxious enough to get us to kick her, or try to be reasonable again? She wouldn't have disrespected Mark this way, which frustrates me. We're not seven years older than her (only 2), but we are still the leaders. If she doesn't respect that, we have a right to get rid of her. Pray for me tomorrow - I'm carrying a song on the piano that's a little hard to work. It's not a hard song, but keeping it steady even when the vocalists are singing could be difficult. And then Alyssa won't have the harmony, and I can't play and sing at the same time.

More ranting. This is an excerpt of what a friend of mine posted to the entire world on Myspace today, addressed to this guy that hurt her: "Now I seek love in God. God has always been there. And you? Not so much. The people in my world, now they're what I have, what I need. Unlike you, I think they really care. Thank you for teaching me: LOVE doesn't abandon, LOVE doesn't change, LOVE cares for others more than themselves, and LOVE knows what LOVE is. TRUE LOVE, on the other hand, does all this, and if it's meant to be, it will happen. You weren't it. But I LOVE you. Not in the same way. TRUE LOVE is mutual. This is just hopeless. So I don't. The others that I've loved, don't know, or did, or won't, or can't." What the crap, Kristen? This ticks me off on so many levels. First level - I've been here for her, loved her more (albeit in a different way) than frickin' London boy, treated her well when he wasn't, let her cry on my shoulder. *Now,* when London boy finally breaks her, like we all knew he would, she's going to turn to her friends, to God? Now that she feels the void where he was, she wants me and her other friends to fill it? Way to make me feel like a good sister in Christ. She's blown us off, talked our ears off, sobbed dramatically in public, and made a fool of herself while we stood by her. And she only realizes she loves us when he decides to stop standing by her. Nice. Second level - she's such a frickin' drama queen. She always has been, but I've put up with it well. She's over two years younger than me, so I try to be like a big sister to her, set her a good example, what have you. So London boy deserts her, and she makes it known to the entire stinkin' world. Now lately her drama has gotten annoying - she'll call the band to a different room during Chris's message, making us all worried, to tell us basically that she's conflicted about the vocals and wants us to know that she's having trouble. Tell us at practice the week before, not halfway through the set. I cannot believe her sometimes. I keep reminding myself that she's only 15 . . . she's over two years younger than me. I need to cut her slack - not that many 15-year-olds are even as deal-with-able as she is, I guess. I'm used to my other friends, though, who are over a year younger than me and act the same age I act - about 20. We get along well like that. It whacks me out how she can act the way she does.

This whole situation is ridiculously frustrating, and getting more frustrating by the hour. I've gotten more cynical lately, I know, but I have come to a realization: people are, by their very nature, liars. Thus any attempt at figuring out my problem with Ms. Cindy is met by failure. Here's how the conversation would go with Chris as the mediator: Me: "Ms. Cindy, I feel like you're not actually questing to understand me. Rather, you're trying to prove that I'm angry so that . . . I don't know why. It still baffles me. But your questions aren't meant to help you understand me, they're meant to psychoanalyze me. I don't need a psychologist, Cindy. What I needed was someone who treated me like an equal." Ms. Cindy: "Rachel! I love you so much, honey, and I don't understand how you've gotten to that conclusion. Of course I want to understand you! Something's been effecting our relationship, and I want to know what it is. I was asking questions to find out." Chris: "Rachel, you need to listen to Cindy. You're being immature. She's trying to reconcile here, and all you want is to be angry." Liars. All of them are liars. Maybe Cindy doesn't even realize that she's lying anymore - it wouldn't surprise me. Maybe her idea of caring *is* psychoanalyzing, rather than being there and supporting me. You know, support comes from the sides or from below. Support doesn't come from a distance where you're trying to figure out why I used this word instead of that. Yes, I'm angry. I'm not denying that. But that *doesn't* make my feelings and thoughts irrelevant. I hate it - I want to be honest, to lay my cards in front of Cindy and Chris, but I know that everything I'm feeling would be "pooh, pooh" to them. Then literally two minutes later they'll be espousing OSV, a former hellion in our youth group standing for Oriented, Save, and Valued. Am I feeling valued right now? Oriented? Safe? No. And in other news, I'm ticked at myself too. Mark came in to my workplace today, and I didn't say anything particularly intelligent, poignant, even especially nice. What was I thinking? I didn't freeze up, I guess I've just forgotten how to act around him. Dang it all. I'm given another chance, and I don't do anything with it. I had no chance anyway, I know, but why the heck couldn't I make the best of it? I almost think he wanted to talk with me more than he did, but I just couldn't figure out how to do it. Idiot. I might not see him for another six months, and what do I do? Act like he wasn't even a non-romantic part of my life.

Thanks, WishingForYou. It means a lot to me that you understand what I mean. It still ticks me off the way everyone just writes me off, when I've proven myself trustworthy again and again, but I can't do anything about that. FYI, I just find your blog and bookmark it on my browser. I didn't know you could put blogs in your favorites, although I'm still not sure you can. I couldn't find a button for that, anyway. So I e-mailed Leah yesterday, apologizing for everything that happened, both on Sunday and all the time before. I don't think I've personally done that much to mess stuff up between us, but I apologized for jumping to conclusions and judging her, and basically begged her to wipe the slate clean. All the finger-pointing and blame-shifting in the world isn't going to fix this, so I took the first apology. But I haven't heard from her, and I've since heard that she felt attacked on Sunday night. I can't blame her - that was a pretty intense night, and she and Karleigh were on the receiving end of a lot of this. I hate this waiting, though. I know it'd take me longer than this to forgive myself if I were in her situation, but I hate thinking that I've hurt her so badly that she won't talk to me. I dislike where we are in youth group intensely, but I couldn't stand the thought of Leah leaving because we attacked her that way. It was all verbal, and there wasn't any name-calling, but there were some pretty serious accusations thrown around. According to our standards, anyway. I feel awful. I'm tempted to call her, but I don't think that'd be a good idea. I'll just IM her and apologize again if I see her on.

I'm sick of this whole situation. My youth group has split into two separate groups - the kids from one highschool, Ridgeview, and the rest of us. Now the rest of us were here first, and have gotten to be really close over the years. I call us the Core, because we're the people who attend every week. We don't miss a week unless we're literally too sick to move. We're around each other about three times a week, generally, because we love each other and care about each other. These kids came in and basically refused our offer to keep it a big youth group, and started their own, in a manner of speaking. The Ridgeview kids dominate the place now, but half of them are of the nameless, faceless variety. They're here one week, and we try to talk to them while they ignore us, then they're gone the next and we'll never see them again. I'm sick of the situation, certainly, but more than anything, I'm sick of being told that my opinion has no weight. Which is basically what's been happening. I've been here three and a half frickin' years, Chris. People ask me what I think about the Ridgeview-rest-of-us problem, but when I tell them, all they can do is tell me that there's another side of the story. Do you think I'm an idiot? You don't think I know that there's another side of the story? And on top of that, they act like I'm absolutely, completely biased. I see their point. I understand that they feel a certain way, and I sympathize. What they say to us is not based in a truth that I can understand, but it's not like I'm saying all this crap just to get back at them. I say something, and immediately everyone's on top of me trying to tell me that I'm just angry, or that I'm too biased to have a say. Can you idiots possibly understand that it's possible to speak truth in a situation, even if it's from a biased person? Don't discount what I'm saying because I have stake in one of the sides. We have tried *so* *frickin'* *hard.* We didn't even care whose group it was, we didn't care about ownership. If the Ridgeview kids didn't mind us hanging out with them, we'd do it. But they do. Don't lie, Leah. You may not be as much at fault, but your kids don't like it when we try to come sit with you. You ignore us if we're not speaking when we're in your group, and you look at us like we're dirt when we do speak. What do you want us to do? Here's the big difference: we invite them, we ask them, we welcome them. They ignore us, and generally act like we don't exist. When they do stuff, we don't hear about it. I have no problem with that, but don't act like we're a clique when, in fact, you're the ones who didn't want us. We're not exclusive like your group is. And Chris, you kept tearing down what we were saying. That's not what mediators do, which is apparently what you were trying to do. I'm ticked at you now, which is a shame. I thought I at least had an unbiased ear, but now all I'm going to hear is that there are two sides of the story, and that I should listen to theirs. I have been. And sure, perspectives are different, but this is absurd. Cindy? What is wrong with you? For the life of me, I can't understand you. All you want is to prove to yourself that I'm angry so that you can start counseling me. Then you come up to me last night with that condescending, "I care about you even though you're angry" look. I managed to keep from getting angry until I got home, thank God. And then Kristen called, and I didn't have time to be angry. "I'm still waiting on that e-mail," you say. You'll be waiting a while. And my mom means well, but I'm sick of this. I'm sick of being told that my perspective doesn't count, or that it's not true, or that maybe this kind of change is good. I don't want you to tell me what everyone else tells me, or tell me that *God* wants the Ridgeview kids to take over? Heaven forbid they take over. Youth group would turn into a social event. You think you can judge all this stuff? That's absurd. You haven't been there, you haven't seen them. You haven't heard them giggling during the sermon or poking each other and hitting each other during worship. That's great, guys. Real classy. I'm not saying that we don't have fun when we shouldn't be sometimes, but you guys take it to another level. I'm supposed to forgive all this now. I'm supposed to forgive Leah, Chris, Cindy, Katie, my mom, Karleigh, Anders, the kids at a youth group I was stuck at that were a vicious clique, and all the kids at Ridgeview. Heaven help me.

Dang it all, Brendan. Do you feel about me the way I feel about Mark? I hate being the object of that when I know I can't do anything about it anyway. You're not a Christian, man. I can't help that, and I'm tired of having to explain to you that it's not going to work. Anyway, we're not cut out for each other. I think what I want is entirely different from what you have to offer. You have plenty to offer, dear, but not what I'm looking for. I can't tell you that, though. I just e-mailed him back tonight, after he said that he would be willing to change if I'd help him. I know he doesn't get that changing his peripheral views on life issues that he doesn't really care about doesn't make him suitable. There's no way he's going to become a strong, solid Christian in the next few months or whatever. That makes it easier for me to say no, but it doesn't make it easier to reason with him. I'm tired of it, do you know? It was a little flattering at first, that he seemed to think he was in love with me. It still is flattering, really, I just wonder what it is. *Is* he in love with me? Can he know that? How can he fall for someone that he's only spoken to seriously for a few months? But on the flip side, how can I fall for someone that I've only known superficially, albeit for upwards of three years? And another thing I was thinking - what is my policy for dating? I don't mean morally, but the way I feel about a guy before I date him. If a guy were to ask me to go out that I don't already feel I like, yet knew would be a good guy to date, would I go? Excluding Alyssa and whatever other girl is in the picture, if Wes were to ask me out, would I go even though he's a year younger and I don't feel specifically like I like him? I wonder.

I'm stuck now. You know I like Mark, who's gone now. Actually, as a side note, there was a picture of Mark from a few months ago when he had a beard on my laptop's screen saver today while Erich was sitting next to me. He turned and saw it and goes, "look, Mark with a beard! He looks like *Jesus!*" He was using the Elf voice and everything - it was awesome. Anyway, a guy named Brendan likes me. I met him at a library thing, ironically, and after two years of seeing each other and not really talking, we finally hit it off and started e-mailing. He and I share similar views on a lot of things, but he's not a Christian. That means a lot to me - I can't see myself marrying a guy who doesn't share my most fundamental beliefs, as his Unitarian beliefs don't work with my hard-core Christian beliefs. The big thing is that he thinks he could love me, and he's expressed that in a way that doesn't let me doubt - first, it was "I think I could love this girl, but I don't think she'd have me." We haven't completely dropped the ruse, but be both know what's going on. So today he e-mailed me with "Hm, I see, but supposing the other person is willing to change just to make it even then what? If they asked for a chance to prove that it could work, would you grant them that?" The thing is, I don't want to tell him no. I know pity dating is absolutely not the way to go, but how do I say no? I'm going to have to say no, because I won't date a non-Christian. But he'll be bitter if I say no. I could explain the other reasons I would say no, even if I didn't have the Christian issue - Mark, the fact that I want to date an older guy, even that I'd prefer to wait til college - but I'd feel bad about that as well. I feel like I've painted myself into a corner somehow, and I don't know what to do. And here's something - a part of me thinks it makes sense not to date until Mark is good and gone, or until I've gotten over him entirely. I think I'd feel bad, though, if I ended up getting a guy to wait for me until, say, December. Isn't he just second pick then? I don't want to do that, but I don't want something crazy to happen and then have lost an opportunity because I'm dating someone else. I'm not the type to leave one guy just because another one was around, you know?

No miracles have occurred, and two weeks later, I've lost all hope of one. Not that I really had hope in the first place, but I didn't even see a spark that night. The weeks before, I almost felt like there was something there - a little attraction, a little playfulness reserved especially for me . . . but that Sunday, that wasn't even there. He was obviously sads, though - that could have something to do with it. I'll miss you terribly, Mark. We'll all miss you, but I'll miss you in a different way. I did manage to get through the night gracefully, though. I gave him a hug right before he left for the last time, and his last words to me were "I'm proud of you, Rachel." That meant a lot to me, both just as a person I respect saying that to me and as a person that I like. It's actually quite possible that I won't see him again - he's going to search for his own youth group, one that he can lead and thereby make money to support his fiancee when they do get married. He won't be going to my church anymore except possibly to visit. He'll be a great youth pastor, of that I have no doubt. I hope it works out for him.