So, okay. I had to spend so fucking long in court, reliving my worst memory... and now that I know the verdict... dumped my perfect bf for my ex, broke my ex's heart, got back with my bf and have no fucking clue what i want. im pretty fucking tempted to just keep falling down this hole and never stop.

hes cheating, he hits me, he treats me so badly, he doesnt care for me at all... and yet im the one apologising? i dont understand whats happened here. there goes my emotional stability and self respect.

sex + alcohol. well if i have to give up drugs i gotta pick up something right. my boyfriend treats me like im a piece of dirt he can use at will. my friends treat me like im second best to everything else. and the sad thing is im both of those things.

TEN FAVORITES 01. televison show: Friends. 02. flower: Probably couldn't care less. 03. color: White... i dont know why. 04. sport: Soccer. 05. mall: Are you serious?? 06. music: Alot of things... At the moment mostly rock? 07. food: burritos. where's #8? 09. animal: i like them all =] (well maybe not) 10. city: wellington. TEN FACTS 01. hometown: a shithole that offers nothing. 02. hair color: brown... but i died it this colour thats like purple. hot as. 03. hair length: average.. 04. hair style: layered. fringe. not emo. 05. eye color: brown. 06. shoe size: umm. 5. 6. 7. depends on the shoe. but countries have different sizes so whatever. 07. mood: sore. and hungover. 08. orientation: straight. 09. available?: yes. 10. lefty/righty: righty. TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE 01. have you ever been in love: no. 02. do you believe in love: no. 03. why did your last relationship fail?: you wouldnt believe me if i told you. 04. have you ever been heartbroken: yes. 05. have you ever broken someone’s heart: no one that counts for anything. 06. have you ever fallen for your best friend: yes. 07. have you ever loved someone but never told them: no. never loved. 08. are you afraid of commitment: probably. 09. have you ever had a secret admirer: its called a secret admirer for a reason. i.e, i dont know. 10. do you believe in love at first sight: no. the chick bbefore me did one long ass answer. wow. TEN THINGS: THIS OR THAT 01. love or money: idk. probably money. if i would be happy? 02. hard liquor or beer: beer, then maybe some hard liquor. we'll see how we go. 04. one night stands or relationships: at the mo, one nighters. 05. televison or internet: i really dont care. 06. pepsi or coke: *shrug* 07. wild night out or romantic night in: option a. 08. colored or black and white pictures: wtf. stupid question. 09. phone or in person: in person. depends. 10. aim or myspace: im not with either... msn?? bebo? TEN HAVE YOU EVERS 01. have you ever been caught sneaking out: haha, yeah. 02. have you ever skinny dipped: no. 03. have you ever done something you regret: yes. 04. have you ever bungee jumped: no. almost but i was too scared. 05. have you ever been on a house boat: idk? maybe not? 06. have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker: yeah. like, a lifetime ago. 07. have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt: yes. 10. have you ever been caught by your parents doing it? omg. no. TEN EMOTIONS 01. are you missing someone right now: yes. 02. are you happy: not really. hungover. gross. 03. are you talking to anyone right now: sometimes to my brother. and texting. 04. are you bored: yes. i usually dont do these unless im bored. 05. are you german: no? well, like part. but not anything to count. 06. are you irish: same as above. 07. are you french: same as above. 08. are you Italian: idk. 09. are your parents still married: yes. 10. do you like someone right now: yeah. well, kind of. idk if its more physical. we'll see.

so things have been looking better since may. its kind of weird having a journal on the internet, but still kind of cool. its my birthday really soon.. although its going to be kind of weird, its my first birthday since it happened and.. i dont know. ive been in and out of the police station a little bit, just giving more statements and everything, and so far it looks like my case is going okay. hah, sweet 16. yeah right. my friends cant do anything about the way i feel though, because i mean its never happened to any of them. ahh f*ck this. i went shopping and got 2 pairs of new shoes.. earrings.. this strapless shirt which is awesome.. and new eyeliner and nail polish. so i was pretty happy about that. aaaand.. yep. thats about all here. haha, look at my stupid journal entry on the smashup. im SUCH a loser. or was, actually. now im cool ^_^ haha, kidding. but yeah. im out =]

it feels like a lifetime ago. there was the time in my life before, and now the month after. i hate that i feel like this. i hate that he could do something like this to me. and i hate that i'm scared of how long he'll be locked up for. fucking sicko. i feel sick just thinking about him. it's good to have a journal on a website where no one knows me and no one can judge me. i sometimes wish i was dead. thats not normal. i want some weed right now. i can't believe someone would do that to me. i mean, i'm me. but now... i deserve every piece of hurt i get. he lied to me. i trusted him. he ignored my cries. i wish i could go back to that day and just stay in my bed all day, and stop it from happening. i wish i never went there at all, i wish i never trusted him, i wish i never knew him. bastard.

you guys should check out the smashup if you haven't already, they're amazing ^_^ seriously though, an amazing band trust me on that. peace out =]