I took a huge break from this site because I found my journal, so I didn't think I needed this.

I came back and saw re-read what I'd written back then.

And it's amazing how much it still stings how things ended.

He promised me he'd come see me on my birthday.

Even though we haven't talked in about a month, I'm hoping.

No, I'm praying, that he'll call.

Maybe even see me?


It's seven in the morning and I feel like I shouldn't sleep tonight, just a feeling.
So I'm going to go make coffee, and hopefully get over this stupid fantasy.


xox.me

I was terrified. It was six. Six in the fucking morning and sleeping clearly wasn't an option. I didn't want to dream. I didn't want to think. But I didn't want to stay awake anymore. It had been days since I'd closed my eyes and just let go. I needed to feel something other then this. No, I didn't need to. I wanted to. I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was common. I was going crazy. I was stuck in my head. Something had taken over me. I knew, simply because sometimes I would snap out of it and see the truth. In those very brief moments I felt so alive, so free. I felt like I could do anything. Worst and possible most damaging of all I felt hopeful. Hopeful that maybe, just maybe it was over. That I was possibly free to finally do what I knew, logically was normal. But soon enough, always too soon, it was back. It ate away at me. She ate away at me. Fight it. Fight it. But it'll never go away. And I only fell harder each time. You'd think by now I should have learned, but I'm stubborn by nature. Fighting it was damn near impossible, but going with it was just as difficult. When you feel empty you aren't satisfied, you want to feel full. It's no better when you've got your fill, you feel just as disgusting. It's almost pathetic. That something that started out so small could now be my whole world, and then some. You can try to hide, and believe me I do. Giant sunglasses and a few pounds of makeup don't do any good when you feel like everyone can see straight through you. It's so clear. And I'm terrified again. What if they know? Why are they judging me? Narcissism, that's all this is. You know why? Because no one is thinking of you. No one even notices you. As much as I would love to isolate myself from the world, I can't, because I know what'll happen if I did. I'd go even further into this. I'd sink. I'd drown completely in this. And I refuse to drown. I'll fight this to the day I die. I might not win, but I'll try. I see myself through those mirrors you see in the carnivals. Everyday there's a new problem as I pass by another mirror. Something's always too big, and sometimes things aren't quite big enough. The fun house isn't that fun anymore. And once again I find myself wishing I'd never bought a ticket. That'd I'd ripped it up and left when I had the chance. But I'm here now, and I'm pretty much locked in. And I'll walk around until I find that one mirror. The one that shows me what I want to see. The one that'll show me what I used to think, when I was 7 was beautiful. Snap out of it. Run away, while you still can. This really isn't as glamorous as they make it out to be.