He called me today. He explained what had been going on. The most important thing we talked about was what we were. We agreed that there couldn't be an us at the moment. The age difference is too much right now. And there's another girl. I know what you're thinking. I'm a fool, right? Well, he's worth waiting for. By the way, go check out this band. http://www.myspace.com/backdoorvalentine The lyrics in the title are from that. They're local. And let's be honesty. They're [pretty much] the shit. Anyway. I'm going to stop writing before this gets far too long. xox.me

Title has no meaning. Just a song stuck in my head at the moment. I read this girl's journal entry. She seems nice. But I'm sorry, I can't listen to my friends. 1. It doesn't work like that. They're wrong. Or they're lying. I'm not an idiot. When they tell me I look fine, I can tell they just don't want me to get hurt. And I don't mind anymore. They're good people. They just don't want me to get hurt. So I'll lie. And I'll tell them I'm not eating because I feel sick. Or I had a big breakfast. Whatever. I can bullshit my way through anything. I'm good like that. 2. You're right. No ones perfect. It hasn't stopped people from trying though, has it? And I've seen people who are so incredibly close it scares me. I actually know a few perfect people. Both are perfect in looks. Both perfectly skinny, both drop dead gorgeous. And yes, a boy can be drop dead gorgeous. 3. The voice won't go away. You probably think I'm crazy now, huh? Honestly, I don't blame you. I'd be pretty freaked out if I heard that too. The voice is always there. I've gotten used to her. I'm actually starting to like her. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. And yeah. I know she doesn't control me. She just keeps me in line. I control me. No one else. I don't even know if you were talking about me. Your post just reminded me of me. It'll be pretty awkward if it wasn't about me. Anyway. You sound like a really nice girl. If it was about me, you know who you are. xox.me

I've decided boys are horrible. Completely horrible. And immature. How is it that around me, they can be so calm? So natural. And yet, when they're around their friends they can be completely different people. No, not for the better. And they complain when I have mood swings. My God, Bi-fucking-Polar much? On another note, it got worse today. My sickness, I mean. I vomited blood for the first time. I don't know why. Maybe my fingernail scratched my insides. I don't know. I was scared. Really scared. I wish I could stop. It's not possible though. I can't stop. I can't stop if I wanted to. And I don't want to anymore. I'm in far, far too deep. I'm obsessed with this. With her. You know, that voice in my head. The one that yells at me when I pick up that first piece of food. The one who laughs when I'm rocking back and forth, ashamed. The one saying, 'I told you so' after I've looked on the scale and found you've gained 0.5 of a pound. I'm glad she's there though. She keeps me in line. Yeah. Not so fun, anymore, is it? I'm tired of this. But I can't stop. I'm doing this for him. And for me. I know I'll be better when I'm perfect. He'll want me. And I need that. xox.me

So. There's this concert that I went to in January. And this concert just so happens to be for the best band ever. 1.12.06 That's the day where pretty much everything went downhill. I did meet my best friend for the first time there. There's just one tiny problem. That's also the day when I met this boy. Oh man, is he amazing. He lives an hour away and he's far too old for me. I'm no idiot. I know that. We've gotten close in the past month. I've learned more about him in this month than I have in years with other people. My best friend doesn't count. She's an exception. The only exception. I found out he's in love with this other girl, though. I knew I wasn't good enough. I expected this. He's perfect. Today was a bit of a bad day. I'd been going strong for many, many days. I messed up big time. I ate. I purged my body of it. But still. I ate. Disgusting, no? If you're reading this and you aren't diseased, then I envy you. Being sick isn't fun. I'm not looking for help, though. I need this. I'll do better tomorrow. I know I'm going to the gym. I don't think I'll ever say his name on this thing. I'm afraid he'll somehow stumble amoung this and realize just how much control he has over me. And he can never, ever know that. My friend says he's using me. Playing me. She's wrong, though. She's pretty much right about most things. Not this time though. He's too perfect. This is more for me than for you. If you actually took the time to read this, I thank you. And I'm sorry for burdening you.