Im sad right now. i want to really live and i havent because ive been held back for so long. i wont get into that. but i was thinking about love... i want to be with someone, to love. and i dont have anyone. im not talking about someone to fuck. im not talking about a friend either. i want to find love, someone with all the same values. yes when youre in love sex is involved obviously, but my point is for me its not about that, and its never been. and i fear i never will find love, my life has been hell and most of the stuff thats happened in my life and i cant even think about let alone type because it upsets me so much and im still going through it, it kills me because i know what i have inside me and what i could be doing with everything im made of. i could have done so much with my life, incredible dreams ive had and still have even after all of this.. and im only 23 but despite my age its not like im being naive or anything. im very intelligent and despite my saying i want to really live.. ive lived hell at least and learned so much from the years i have been alive... i guess saying really live i mean more like living with more lively varying experiences maybe more on the happy side but i mean like interacting with people, living my life how i want to live and how ive been wanting to live for so long if i just wasnt fucking held back... and thats where i wont get into of course, cus its horrifying to talk about, but trust me theres nothing i can do short of doing everything i can everyday to strive to one day actually getting out of it somehow. enough of this.. i cant think about it.. really the only way i get through my days is by being in denial. or being overly optimistic.. depends on your perspective and beliefs but anyway... yes, ive felt this way for a long time. and because of my situation, my entire life is at a loss and love is just another part of it that i cannot experience because of it. everything suffers because of it. except maybe my growth as a person throughout all the years, id assume is far greater than most people my age. and my emotional and psychological understanding of people, at least people who are like me. and that could be in any sense.. which varies greatly, not just involving pain at all... i mean true, kind, etc.... whatever.. i dunno, ill go on forever if i dont stop now.. i dunno i tend to just think and think and think and never stop. this is nothing. i stopped typing in my journals saved in word because it was painful... id write everything that hurt me in there or as much as i could bare for a while which wasnt much because if i think about what happened it tends to hurt just as much as when i experieneced it and i cant take it and id type for a long time and never stop... every thought leads to more and more and more while im leaving out tons and tons going on in my brain, just as i am now.. its insanity.. i used to type.... i just wish my brain could be recorded... im sure in the future, way in the future, theyll be able to do that somehow... that is if there is one...i dont know with the way things are going.. i thought things were already so fucking bad.. and now........ its just worse.. not that its a surprise at all... and im sure things will get worse... there are simply not enough good people out there.. well maybe thats evident enough in the evil triumphing and basically ruling things in the world for the most part and all the horrible things happening still in an age where we can all connect on the net. i wish we could do something like in V for Vendetta. that would be so awesome :) anyway, i didnt intend to type more than a simple paragraph on that love stuff i just had in my mind at the moment. but of course as usual when i go to type anything i end up typing more than i initially plan on typing. i have no idea if anyone will read this or how or whatever.. i just got on here to post a msg about a song and its meaning and saw there was a journal on here.. so i thought what the hell... anyway.. much love... peace to ... whoever :)