[Tuesday 30th June] 2:28am quick blog on last night: firstly tonight (monday night), was bens surprise birthday/welcome back dinner at pancakes at the rocks, food was great, good to see old friends again.. we got the card before getting there, and ended up meeting a few ppl on the way.. overall it was a good night, although for some unknown reason it feels like im drifting from my old very good friend, u could probly even say best friend from long ago.. it really sucks when u drift away from old friends, but it hurts the most when things are not the same with best friends.. and most of all, i dont know why? its as if ive done something, but i have no idea what.. is it just the fact that we have drifted long enough, that it has somehow turned us back into old acquaintances.. its as if his going out of his way to keep us at a distance.. hmm i dunno.. i hope things work out in this situation.. because it would really suck if i do lose my old best friend.. 3 week update: so its 3 weeks since my last post, since then its just mainly been exams and all nighter cram sessions, with the occasional trip to uni to get some work done. there have been some ups n downs, some being spending time with friends, having a nice lunch and movie, dinner with old friends (like tonight or i really shld say last night, few hours ago) and some just getting an unexpected decent mark back, and finally the end of exams last thursday.. that following friday after, i had a fun tennis session in the morning with sherman, followed by a decent lunch on anzac parade at some asian restaurant with a good 9 dollar special, lunch + bubble tea, serving was very good considering the price.. i was a bit of a slackass tho for consistently keeping her waiting in the city, which i think she mustve got a bit annoyed or upset, or maybe she didnt care at all because im not worth it. i eventually ended up meeting up with her and her friend at imax, she seemed to not care that i delayed so long, but girls can be good at hiding what they truly think and feel.. we went down to starcity and just walked arnd the place after i dropped off my bag at the cloak room, had a frangelico upstairs at the 36' bar, even tho it was completely empty, we just stayed up there for some time, they both looked a bit bored, and it was just a bit awkward for a bit with just myself with the drink.. she didnt even want to really taste it.. so that says alot from a few months ago... maybe were starting to drift? or i missed something that was there before? i dont know.. but one thing for sure is she is losing interest in me, all that was made certain with the 'who cares' goodbye, she didnt even bother to say goodbye, she was too busy going to her own train and just told me to go off first... cold huh? i just shook my head inside and left.. one too many, i can only let myself believe this fantasy for so long, before it all crumbles down into nothing.. she mustve realised what she did minutes later, because while on the train home she called and said how glad she was i could come and her friend had an 'awesome' time.. it didnt feel real, and i dont think it was.. it felt cold.. if anything =/ and so at that point was the first time that i actually felt like wow this person is actually not for me, she is something else, the illusion i had been dangling infront of my eyes all this time just broke.. and finally i could see myself.. a fool.. a fool in love but nevertheless a fool.. and just like a fool, days later now, for some unknown reason, i feel slightly attracted to her again, and just slightly the feelings are surfacing a tiny bit.. but not to the extent as before atleast.. so i guess u could say diminishing returns.. everytime it gets less n less, until it becomes no more.. an endless cycle? maybe.. i can sorta see it ending tho.. but do i want that? songofthemoment sia - breathe me (instrumental)

[Tuesday 9th June] 10:43pm Quoted from Silhouette_x: "bloodshot eyes with a vacant stare to match. Split-ends, messed-up hair, stained and tattered clothes and a down-turned smile. This is what I look like now and I can't face the mirror. My speech is slow, my reactions to the outside world are sluggish and sometimes I close my eyes for longer than a blink should last, just in hopes that something will change. I barely recognize myself and when I do, I don't like what I see. The world seems to be changing and people seem to be living they're lives faster than I'm living mine. It feels as though I'm stuck in time, stuck in a moment that I don't want to be in, and it's just going to continue forever. Nothing will change; this is how it's always going to be. I guess I'm just sad, but nothing seems worth it and sometimes I wish I could drift through nothingness until I feel better." wow this is somewhat close to how life is right now for me too i spose.. i guess i tend to just cover it up with a smile and a laugh around others.. or actually fool myself into smiling and laughing is a better explanation Also from Silhouette_x: "I just want to apologize to myself for ruining my life, my family for letting them down, and my friends for not treating them how I should. Everyone would be so much better off if I just got out of their lives, or they wouldn't care because I'm not sure if I matter to most people anyway." i guess a majority of this i feel the same way, my family in some ways, however i am content if not grateful for my family, i think out of all things i have that is something i have atleast done right.. but yeah the last line is coldly true.. the nights these days are literally getting colder, and so are the days.. its winter alrite.. stuvac now.. meant to be studying but all i can do these days is find something to do to distract myself from the harsh crappy life im living.. nothing seems to be right, except family.. i guess others have it worse than i in respect to that.. atleast i have music to dwell on and listen to endlessly.. she told me she was over the guy she was sweet on.. and i guess i myself am starting to get over as well.. i dont know if i want to, because im starting to miss that feeling, even if thats all it will ever amount to.. atleast its something to wake up to, to go to sleep to.. to live life to.. =/ till next time.. songofthemoment ingrid michaelson - december baby (heh just started listenin to it when i started this entry and its growin, but the artist is relaxing)

wednesday 3rd june 2:47am well its finally winter, it was already starting to get cold last month, some nights are freezing others are bearable i guess i could say the same abt my... crush... god i hate that word.. it feels so immature and something u do only in highschool, no this is more like a really good friendship that feels like something more.. heh how sad does this sound, ill probly regret writing all these things in the future. good news i guess u could say is that all my assessments are over, just one left but its pretty much done, demo n all, just report to finish up. got micro result back, 17/20. im happy with that, something decent atleast this sem. in other news im still pretty much in the same situation, i guess im just winning a bit more each day.. still though, not a day has passed without thinking abt her atleast once or twice.. but its definitely less.. still dont know if i shld throw it away for my own good, it was funny i was watching this youtube vid abt "are you the sideline guy?" heh and yeah it made me think, im not even the sideline guy, just...a guy.. and its true, i have been losing a bit of my self respect along the way without even knowing, def been taken adv of, things i wouldnt normally do if it was anyone else, and sometimes it feels like she is doing all this on purpose? i dunno, maybe im just thinking abt it too much again, i mean i probly dont even register long enough to be a thought to her, i dunno, life is confusing, she keeps saying im a good friend n all, but saying it just makes it sound more forced? but i do think she means it when she says it, although then again i dunno there are definitely the good times, and the ok times. but the more i pick at it, the more i realise how much i shld stop pursuing this, there was obv nothing from the start, its just the way in which she does things i guess... it seemed to have work.. on a random note, my left earphone seems to have died :( going to have to find some new decent earphones or put up with just mono right earphone for now.. today on the bus though when she tilted her head back and just ler hair relax back, she looked so cute..i just wanted to face her and smile while looking deep into her eyes.. and just enjoy that moment.. but thats not the person she thinks i am.. ive gotta keep playing this "big brother" and "lil sister" role that i stupidly concocted to show her in some way i care.. which she reciprocated.. i hope this hasnt though led her off the track and she probly thinks now that i dont feel that way abt her..ever since it has gotten less.. i guess u could say intimate and more just for laughs and fun.. which i dont mind i guess because ultimately its the laughs and fun that make it interesting.. but just once or twice.. id like to share a moment with her.. one u dont forget.. =) now its just whether risking everything for that one chance is worth it.. i dont know.. but the longer i wait.. songofthemoment yiruma - memories in my eyes