This Time Imperfect His pain is an unbearable and permanent fixture in his life; it plagues him during the day and continues in the form of nightmares when he is sleeping (Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams). He is dying inside from his depression (I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue), his life has turned dark and he begins to question if they times in life when he was happy were really real. He begins to think that everything in his life was fake, unreal, never true. If that was all fake, he had no love, no hope, and no faith from anyone. Then he himself must be nothing as who is someone without love. And if no one is there to grab him out of his abyss, to take his hand and make it all better, to love him, to make him whole, he will cease to exist (Just like all I loved, I'm make believe, Fragments of dust...nothing, Imagined heart, I disappear, Seems... no one will appear here and make me real). He wishes for the pain to end, and believes that the only plausible way is suicide yet he is terrified of ending his existence (I cannot leave here, I cannot stay, Forever haunted, more than afraid). This ever-present sorrow has lead him to believe that no longer will life be joyous, nothing beautiful will ever come out of his life again, only despair and has thus decided that he will take his life and begins to write a suicide note (There are no flowers, no, not this time, There will be no angels gracing the lines, just these stark words I find). The suicide note reads “I have been beaten and worn out by all the horrible, dark things that have happened in my life. I used to be able to just brush them off and put on a smile...but now I just can't do it (I'd show a smile but I'm too weak). I wanted to express my pain and how I needed help, but words won’t form as despair cannot be expressed through spoken word (I'd share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me).” He then attempts to commit suicide, but fails. He either could not do it emotionally, or his means of suicide did not go as planned. Hence the title of the song “This Time Imperfect.” But Home is nowhere He has come to the conclusion that he is alone in the world. He feels like a complete outcast, like a person who cannot really relate to anyone and feels like a total different species from the one he supposedly belongs to (Twenty-six years and seems like I've just begun, To understand my, my intimate is no one). He believes that he was placed into this isolated position because people do not understand him, despite his efforts to belong, to be a valid member of society. He tries to communicate how he feels with the rest of the world but no one understands him, it’s like he’s speaking an incomprehensible language (Twenty-six years end, still speaking in these tongues, which nobody else knows, Such revelations while understood by no one). Because of this his prayers are wasted as nobody hears him, listens to him, understands him (Discarnate, preternatural, My prayers to disappear). Such a rejection and detachment from society has made him feel unworthy, and that people do not see him as a human being of the same value as everyone else, maybe not seeing him as a human being at all (Absent of grace, marked as infernal, Ungranted in dead time left me disowned). This tortures him and causes a feeling of having to live a life with less opportunities, less joy, just less of everything that the rest of society have (When the director sold the show, who bought its last rites? They cut the cast, the music, and the lights). He wonders why everyone else fits in except him, why he’s the only outsider (When the new actor stole the show, who questioned his grace?). He knows being alone, isolated from the rest of the world knowing is not normal; everyone else has someone (To this nature, so unnatural, I remain alone). He wants nothing more than for someone out here who understood him (Please clear the house of ill-aquired taste), who could take his hand and make it all better, to love him, to make him whole (Give me something, give me something real). However he knows that this will never happen as he is destined to never be whole, to never reach his goals. He is too far-gone to be fixed. With each new failure and disappointment he becomes more and more incomplete (Pieced together incomplete and empty), unable to piece together his shattered existence, slowly disintegrating (I lay strewn across the floor, can't solve this puzzle Everyday another small piece can't be found). He is an impossible mixture, like an experiment that cannot work and is designed to fail. He is unsatisfied with this life (How did I ever end up here?) but knows that this is what he is, he will never change and he has to live with it or not live at all (This is my line, this is eternal). The Leaving Song He feels different from everyone, sees things differently, people do not understand him and his hardened, black view of the world. Because of this he feels that he is a failure (Walked away, heard them say, “Poison hearts will never change, walk away again", Turned away in disgrace, Felt the chill upon my face cooling from within); the center point of disappointment to society (All the cracks they lead right to me). He becomes so consumed by this idea, and focuses on the negative that plague him that he does not see the good in his life (It's hard to notice gleaming from the sky, When you're staring at the cracks, It's hard to notice what is passing by with eyes lowered). He is slowly mentally falling apart inside. He begins to break from the depression until all his failures overcome him and he is broken (And all the cracks will crawl right through me, and I fell apart). This celluloid dream He likes a girl (Calling tears from deep inside, oh, you're so exquisite). He fantasizes about her, and what it would be like if they were together. He knows that it is merely a dream, and that without her he is incomplete (And in the mirror, all midnight eyes, Oh, if I could remain, but it's just a visit, All midnight eyes read "vacancy"). He sees others in love and wants to be touched by love as well, (To the lovely dancing lights, I begged, "May I cut in?") as he has heard them say that it is wonderful (Of a joyous song they sing, I've heard whispers). He wants to be touched by love as well, but has never experienced this love, despite his desire (But they never stopped playing "their song"). They begin a relationship; she has the same feelings for him. He is shocked that someone cares for him and it seems to stop time, he is thus able to now feel the same way as others (On a freezing note, I resonate). Her love, something pure, something happy, begins to change him, bringing new light to his life (Just like romantic verses, just like a joyous end, Just like a memory, it twists me, Just like romantic verses, just like a joyous end, Twist... twisting me); shedding layers of hatred and despair (Onto the melting boy, and melt away). She stirs emotions in his deadened heart; he begins to care, begins to feel, this is new to him (Bathed in your radiance, I melt). He was too concerned with the views of society to feel his worth as a person; he never truly lived until now (In the shadow of a star, in static pallor, I realized I never began). She shows that he is special, of value. He often compares her and their relationship as cinematic because in movies lovers and their life together are perfect. Examples: She is perfect (You light as gently, you're so cinematic), his life upon her entering is perfect (You land as lightly as the new snow, cinematic), their life is like a movie premier; glamorous, full of admiration and adoration that he hope will never end (In the glitter, in the dark, sunk into velvet, Praying this will never end). If she were ever leave him the world and all of its components would blend into one. Everything; all emotions and feelings, would be rendered as meaningless. Everything would be nothing more, nothing less than plain, blunt grey (All the colours upon leaving, all will turn to grey). Paper Airplanes (Makeshift Wings) She showed him that human worth cannot be determined by the opinions of others, and that you should never let others break you, as no one person has more value than the other, we all have our faults. This changes his outlook on life. The stereotypical mold of perfection that society holds a great importance on will someday end, just another fad, completely forgotten. He compares this to people who once thought they were so much better than him. (As waves of plastic fame go out of fashion, You're going out, going out forever unknown These waves of plastic fame go out of fashion (These waves of plastic fame are drying up and I smile) You're going out, going out forever unknown (Because you're dying to become forever unknown, unknown)). He is thinking that those people seemed to have a perfect life, that everything perfectly intact, who once laughed at his failures will one day crash and burn so they should enjoy the life you have now (Raise high monolithic statues so fragile as they fall, I am ever enthralled, Gaze, lie and smirk in time, your arrogance will suit you well, 'Til fashion is dispelled). These people are complete fakes, they have nothing truly real, they just put on a show, pretend that they are better than others, but in reality they are burdened by their failures (Without habitation, you'll never find a soul inside,No life, but nothing's died, No lights, but quite the show (Just as long as no one ever knows, All motion is pantomime)). He will be forever cursed by his failures, but finds comfort that he is not alone in this; everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect (From above a rain of ashes descends, Anathema I will remain, forever will remain, From below, in my seclusion, Look up to the sky to see paper wings and watch them burn). He is joyful of others failures, and he wouldn’t have rejoiced so if others had accepted him, and his differences, his failures (Dancing in the rain of descending ash, Dancing on your grave, I'll see you all falling, Dancing in the rain of descending ash, Dancing in your dust, I'll see you all falling, I'd stop it, had you a heart, I'd stop it, had you a heart). The Great Disappointment He used to dream of heaven (I can remember a place I used to go, Chrysanthemums of white, they seemed so beautiful), a place where all his pains would end (I can remember, I searched for the amaranth*), where he could rejoin his departed love ones (Oh, how I smiled then, so near the cherished ones), and where angels would bless him (I can remember... dreamt them so vividly Soft creatures draped in white, light kisses gracing me). He hoped for it’s existence, but he was only hurting himself by wasting all his time on something that isn’t real (I'd make a wish... and bleed). He slowly came to the realization that heaven does not exist but he was in denial, thus only half living as he waited for a miracle that maybe it does (While I waited I was wasting away, Hope was wasting away, Faith was wasting, away, I was wasting away). He always wanted to believe in heaven, never wanted to face reality (I never, never wanted this, I always wanted to believe). His desire for heaven was in vain; it solely existed in his mind (I never, never wanted this, But from the start I'd been deceived). He feels spoiled, jaded and alone (I never, never wanted this, How could I have become?). Upon learning the truth he strays from Christianity and becomes and atheist (Inside a crumbling effigy, But you promised, So dies all innocence, But you promised me). Heaven however is only a metaphor for a true, perfect, untainted love. He used to think that their love would end his suffering that she could save him from his misery (I can remember a place I used to go Chrysanthemums of white, they seemed so beautiful, I can remember, I searched for the amaranth*). He’d hoped for it’s existence, but he was only hurting himself by wasting all his time on something that isn’t real (I'd make a wish... and bleed). He slowly came to the realization that this type of love does not exist but he was in denial, thus only half living as he waited for a miracle that maybe it does (While I waited I was wasting away, Hope was wasting away, Faith was wasting, away, I was wasting away). He always wanted to believe in this perfect love, never wanted to face reality (I never, never wanted this, I always wanted to believe). His desire for this love was in vain; it solely existed in his mind (I never, never wanted this, But from the start I'd been deceived). He feels spoiled, jaded and alone (I never, never wanted this, How could I have become?). Upon realizing the truth he returns to his former self, full of despair and self-loathing as their love was not as he believed it to be, therefore he thinks that maybe the joy and beauty in life was also not real (Inside a crumbling effigy, But you promised, So dies all innocence, But you promised me). * The amaranth can be taken two ways. It is a fictional undying flower, which could be a metaphor for their love. At the same time, it is an existing plant related to bleeding. It was medicinally used to stop bleeding; he is searching for something to end his bleeding, his emotional suffering caused by the realization that this perfect love does not exist. Death Of Seasons His pain is a permanent fixture in his life, and he is emotionally dying because of it, but forced everyday to live (Writhing with sickness, thrown into banality, I decay, Killed by the weakness, but forced to return, turn it off). The mundane, regular tasks of everyday life become a monstrous task for him, as it is impossible for him to forget the hate, burning inside of him (Of late, it's harder just to go outside, To leave this deadspace with hatred, so alive). A rapidly growing hatred towards life, the world, and everything in it (Out there so quickly grows malignant tribes). The hatred slowly extinguishes his faith (Just watch the stars tonight as they, as they disappear, disintegrate) and causes him to grow tired of his existence and humanity in general (Feeling surrounded, so bored with mortality, I decay, All of this hatred is fucking real, turn it on... yeah). This causes him to become so detached from reality that he just feels inhuman (Posthuman extinction excels unrecognized). The depression has consumed him, and he believes that his pain will never end.* The people whom he loves but have wronged him see the hate and pain growing within him, killing him emotionally (I watch the stars as they fall from the sky, I held a fallen star and it wept for me, dying, I feel the fallen stars encircle me now, as they cry). They try to comfort him, but he is too far-gone. Because of his depression, extreme loss of hope, intense loneliness and hatred for the world he commits suicide (And I hope to shade the world as stars go out and I disintegrate), despite his loved ones telling him he’ll feel better one day ((It won't be all right, Despite what they say, Just look to the sky, As stars go out...)). Girls not Grey He sees stars as human souls or life that are all beautiful and bright, but eventually burn out and die. This is how he currently feels about himself; his crumbling existence is no longer capable of supporting him (Watch stars go out tonight, On sinking ground), his depression is killing him (This art does drown). He decides to go to sleep (I'll lay me down tonight), a very deep sleep like never before; death (Much further down). He commits suicide and wades out peacefully, ceasing to exist (Swim in the calm tonight). He killed himself to end his depression ((Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?). He had nothing to live for so he killed himself to go to heaven where his pains will no longer exist ((What follows) has lead me to this place), with all others who have died, no longer residents of earth (where I belong, with all erased). He yearns for nothing more to go to heaven ((What follows) me is the whitest lace of light) which will give him peace, end his suffering (What follows will swallow whole), but is afraid that he will not be allowed in as he committed suicide, a sin. He therefore asks for Gods Grace, which is supposed to be a benevolent, all-forgiving force, yet he is questioning whether God would really forgive him (I'd send God's grace tonight Could it be found?). Dancing Through Sunday He wanted someone to help him get through life, to help soothe his misery (Let me hide within your black, the still inside your eyes), but this never happened, when he asked for help no one heard him (Deafened, caught within a cry). Because of this he became detached from life (So sensual, as step by step by step, I separate). As time passed it grew harder to take the misery until it destroyed him (As breath to breath, as I... suffocate). He only focused on the misery in life ((Oh, we dance in misery)All lost in the arms of our misery, oh), he never understood that misery and joy go hand in hand (Will you join me in this dance, this dance of misery, Cradled in imposs... impossibility? Swooning, I am swept away, Swept off my feet, with step by step by step, We take the lead as drop by drop, we start... to bleed), and if you let misery overtake you, not knowing it is the other half of joy you will drown in it, destroying you (Swept off our feet by our misery, we're swept into the shadows). He realizes this now as life’s questions are answered to him in limbo as he awaits his fate. He now knows that it is impossible to fully live everyday of your life without suffering, as we all have to suffer to fully live (As we dance, we all dance, We all... have no chance in this horrid romance). He knows now that you have to live life the to the fullest complete with misery, or will you live a half-life to protect yourself from being hurt (So who will follow? Who is the lead?). He realizes that he did in fact lead a full life, that his existence was valid. He states this with a statement not unlike the idea of I think therefore I am: I bleed I leave a stain on this world, therefore I am, I am living I am suffering and I am dancing through this misery that we can not avoid or overcome because it is what makes us human, its part of the inevitable human condition (I know I'll leave a stain, because I bleed). Silver and Cold He thought that she was perfect as was their life together, but of course this doesn’t exist, every relationship has it’s imperfections and hardships. He realizes that he was foolish to give up on their relationship as they truly were in love despite their differences (I... I came here by day, but I le ft here in darkness, And found you, found you on the way). He is comforted by the fact that he found love, and that there was someone who really cared for him, the same way that he cared for her, an unconditional love that shall last forever (And now, it is silver and silent, it is silver and cold, You, in somber resplendence, I hold). She prays that she will find freedom from the pains and miseries in life that hold her back from truly living. He feels this and wants to answer her prayers (Light, like the flutter of wings, feel your hollow voice rushing into me, As you're longing to sing). He wishes to remove the evil that is poisoning the life of the one he loves and place them within him (Your sins into me, Oh, my beautiful one, Your sins into me) so she feels no pain, only joy; soothing her when life gets hard (So I... I will paint you in silver, I will wrap you in cold, I will lift up your voice as I sink). He will soothe her, comfort her, removing all life’s evils from her life no matter what the consequences are to his soul (Cold in life's throes, I'll fall asleep for you). In return he only asks that she forgive him for ever doubting their love (Cold in life's throes, I only ask you turn away). * Sins being all the evil, in her life; pain, misery, despair. * Silver has been thought of as the metal of purity throughout the ages. Think silver bullets, silver crucifixes; used to stop something impure and evil. Cold is soothing. Think if you get a burn; the cold is comforting. "Silver and Cold" - pure and soothing. Bleed Black He is in purgatory, living outside of time like an observer, only able to reflect upon his life (I'm hovering throughout time, I crumble in these days, I crumble, I cannot, I cannot find reflection in these days). He remembers that his mind and soul were perpetually consumed in misery and depression and it was destroying him (I am destroyed by the inside, I disassociate). He was going through the motions, apathetic of what was happening around him, drowning in the sorrow of his miserable life (Like water flowing into lungs, I'm flowing through these days). He wanted nothing more than to free his soul from his body and find heaven where he could finally achieve inner peace (I hope to destroy the outside, it will alleviate and elevate me). For this reason he overdosed on morphine, killing himself, despite being already dead on the inside (As morphine tears through deadened veins, I'm numbing in these days). In looking inside himself he could almost see himself die, both at the time of his emotional death and his suicide. He remembers what he used to be like before his depression and self-isolation. He remembers the times when he was happy, and he cant handle thinking about how great it was and so he tries to deny and avoid these memories, because they just make him feel worse ((If you listen) Listen, listen ( Listen close) Beat by beat (You can hear when the heart stops) I saved the pieces (When it broke) And ground them all to dust). The realization of how pathetic he was during his time on earth has just sunk in and he wishes for the rules of the universe to be bent so he can have a second chance at life (I am exploring the inside, I find it desolate, I do implore these confines, now, as they penetrate, "recreate me"). He knows that this however is impossible and this haunts him (I know what died that night, it can never be brought back to life Once again, I know). The Leaving Song Part II He talks about his pitiful existence and how he squandered it by focusing on the negative in life, always overlooking the positive, especially those who truly loved him. By doing so he never expected anything to come out of his life; all hope, all passion, all sparks of life slowly dwindled until they were completely extinguished by his depression and feelings of isolation which destroyed him, making him the incomplete person that he was. (Imperfect cry, and scream in ecstasy, So what befalls the flawless? Look what I've built (Please don't do this), It shines so beautifully (Why won't you look at me?) Now watch as it destroys me), (I left it all behind, and never said goodbye, I left it all to die). He encounters God and tells him how he has reflected upon how pathetic of an existence he lead; how he felt all the negative forces begin to consume him yet he did not fight them; he let himself become this hallow being (I saw its birth, I watched it grow, I felt it change me, I took the life, I ate it slow, Now it consumes me). For this reason he feels unworthy of God’s redemption and cannot accept God’s desire to forgive him of his sins (Don't waste your touch, you won't feel anything, Or were you sent to save me? I've thought too much, you won't find anything...Worthy of redeeming). He is aware that by rejecting absolution he will go to hell. He attempts to ease his mind on the thought of spending an eternity in hell by saying comparing it to that he lived on earth: “ I’ve been living a personal hell and now I will literally be in hell (Y regreso aquí otra vez y comienzo. Translation I’ve been here many times before and I return), only to begin the suffering I faced on earth all over again” (Y regreso aquí otra vez y comienzo. Translation: And I return here and I begin). He is now ready for the devil to claim his soul and descend into hell (Break down, and cease all feeling, Burn now, what once was breathing, Reach out, and you may take my heart away). Miseria Cantare He is lost in a place where time and space mean nothing, he no longer exists; he is in hell (Nothing from nowhere, I'm no one at all). The souls in hell for their sins, who recognize nothing but pain and misery (Radiate, recognize one silent call) begin to chant to him. They say that he must embrace his hatred that drove him to this odious place, as there is nowhere to turn to now, all hope is lost (Love your hate, your faith lost); he is one of them (You are now one of us) and shall share their curse of burning for an eternity in hell (As we all form one dark flame... Incinerate).