I have grown so much from the pain you have put me through. I appreciate everything you do. I wish I could hold you, but it seems like every moment I know you you get farther and farther away. I'm naive for wanting to keep something we had those couple of years ago. I'm naive for thinking that you could sustain those feelings for me for so long.

If my focus is social skills, I'm not doing an amazing job. I continue to find myself in socially awkward situations. Everyone around me, generally, is uptight. That's just my situation. I felt for a moment that my focus was going to be on self-development again, but I'm not thinking of balance. I need to learn to balance my life. There's this big hole that I keep finding myself in. Not going anywhere in particular with my life. Careening toward death. No goals. No illusions... just boredom, laziness and apathy. Should I tear something down? I feel trapped by life. There is no... escape? I can't escape life or death. I don't want either. What a fucked up situation! Haha

It seems like there is nothing else to say, discover, create, learn, see, experience... There is no fundamental truth. With this void to fill, this philosophical emptiness in my mind, what is in store for me? What will I commit myself to? Is there anything that moves me enough to swallow my whole being? Is there something that will infinitely inspire me? I must create and interpret the meaning of my life, accept a cowardly life of despair or commit suicide. I don't intend on ever killing myself, though. People are the most important part of life. What can I do for the people around me and what can I do for humanity as a whole? Does committing my life to social good mean sacrifice?

A vague feeling of missing somebody, or some moment that has passed bubbles up at random times. I have trouble dealing with this emotion. I think I want to fall in love again. I'm not sure if that ever even made me happy, though.

It creeps me out how much the commercials on tv, that are targeted specifically at my "demographic," actually make me feel a desire for what they're selling. These usually seem to be alcohol commercials, too. They show hipsters DIY-style partying, but always with those omnipresent brands hovering around in their minds. I want to be there! The thing is, though, that that "there" doesn't exist. My society programs me to desire things that I can't have, that have never existed. The only path to the realization of these desires they offer is through consumption. How truly fucked we are.

The world is deteriorating. Boredom is prevalent. Drugs are an escape, but is that all? Can they serve a real purpose besides getting fucked up? Is the desire for consciousness changing a real human need? I am struggling at this very moment with these questions. Monotonous, suffocating, post-post-modern life is the only reality.

Our world is has quickly reached the point of no return, in regards to pollution and the such. This fact has led to the situation in which third world countries planning on industrializing in hopes of raising their people's living standards are put in the position of choosing between contributing to the end of the world or letting their people continue suffering economically. Countries such as the US will be forced to stop countries that decide to industrialize, because obviously the whole world's population is at stake. Industrialization would speed up the pollution of the planet, causing global warming to be an even bigger and more imminent threat. Me and you are trapped in our roles as exploiters of the third world as long as we continue living in industrialized countries. They are trapped in the role of exploited and their only way toward economic equality with the first world has been blocked by the first world's massive destruction of the environment. The situation has no single cause, not capitalism not politicians not capitalists not rich people... The situation has arisen from the mash up of all these forces trying to get to the social "top." The only thing that seems to make sense is that hierarchy is at the core of all these problems. Can hierarchy be eroded? What would take it's place and practically provide for society's needs? Is there an even more fundamental problem beyond hierarchy? Are humans themselves the problem, living as they do in such a continually competitive mindset? These questions need to be confronted by all individuals, because the answers to these questions may very well change the course of their lives. Will you live competing your whole life, on every social level? Will you seek out knowledge regarding exploitation on these same levels? What will you do regarding them? Will you passively accept them as "the way the world is," or will you stand up against it with your life as a model for others to be inspired by?

Suicide is always an option. Consider it life's "Escape Button." The circumstances under which one should start contemplating suicide are idiosyncratic at best. What you can handle I might not be able to handle and vice versa. It becomes just another one of those intensely subjective experiences that we all have to face alone. What gives me the right to kill myself? What am I losing if I do? What do I stand to gain by doing so? Some of the questions surrounding the act of suicide might not even be relevant. We must ask ourselves, "If I have nothing to lose, could I not reach out for one more transcendent experience by pushing myself over the edge of my most deeply held beliefs?" That, of course, assumes that the suicide is not completely nihilistic and still open to a change of heart.

Time is dripping away. Every second is relatively shorter than the last, eventually becoming a blink of an eye. Our lives are limited by our lifespans, which is less than 29,000 days. How much does each individual day matter? How many days does each of us waste? Our lives are our masterpieces. Each day is a brush stroke on the canvas of our existence. What will your life look like in the end? We must construct our lives from day to day, every action we take adding up to our whole personal history. Will it be beautiful, exciting, inspiring, horrifying?

with my beliefs, and my thoughts and my ideas... i think all i really have in life is the plan to affect as many humans as possible. i believe that's the only real, meaningful concrete thing any of us has to live for. i think i'm making progress, at the expense of my husk, and my feelings, and maybe others... but i'm making progress. always stand up for what you think is right. if you have solid ideas you stand up for some people will hate you to no end... but those few people that see how you think and act, will realize how amazing you are. so just live. :]