Damascus
by tally1302 on February 10, 2011"Damascus"
Years ago, you said to me,
"I think I'm losing the fight,
Or the fight's losing me, I'm not certain,"
And here we are-the closing scenes,
And all the house lights come up,
Oh, the falling of our final curtain...
I've played a role for so long that I've forgotten myself,
But I said I'd be there and I'm keeping my word,
You've played yourself so well,
And now I want to be you,
A great imitation of losing my nerve.
Oh, it's over,
And everything is wrong, everything has gone,
And I know that everything means nothing,
Oh, it's over,
But I don't want to fight, I don't want to be right,
I know that everything means nothing,
On the road to Damascus they fell.
I saw the light-I saw the light!
But hey, it never saw me,
Oh, conversation has just left me heathen,
And we could wait a thousand years,
Perhaps a million or more,
If it's worth waiting for, but I'm leaving,
So on to a mecca of earthly delights,
Depression is only desire deprived,
Once more unto the breach and fuck my getting it right,
We've died for so long, let's just get out alive.
'Cause it's over,
And everything is wrong, everything has gone,
And I know that everything means nothing,
Oh, it's over,
But I don't want to fight, I don't want to be right,
I know that everything means nothing,
On the road to Damascus they fell,
Well I've been to Damascuc.
It's hell, hell is where I'm gonna be,
The devil my intimate friend,
And hell is other people's hearts,
And knowing that everything must end.
Oh, it's over...
And everything is wrong, everything has gone,
And I know that everything means nothing,
Oh, it's over,
But I don't want to fight, I don't want to be right,
I know that everything means nothing,
On the road to Damascus they fell,
Well, I've been to Damascus as well.
I think, reading her quote about the actor, she is lamenting that as we grow and our ideas change we move away from the people we used to know, and away from sharing their ideas and their acceptance. Particularly in this case when it comes to religious beliefs.
The first verse to me seems to be about separating herself from a friend or lover who is incredibly religious. The person once said to her: I'm losing the fight (converting people to this religion) or the fight is losing me (I'm giving up on it). She uses this to excuse what she's about to say, to try and remind the person that they have not always been blindly faithful either.
What she's about to say, of course, is that she has lost the fight, and the fight has lost her. She reveals herself as not being part of this religion, not believing what this person believes, despite pretending for years that she did in order to be loved and accepted. Of course, this means that their relationship - along with the lie - is over ("The falling of our final curtain"). She explains that she wanted to be as confident of her beliefs as the person, but she was just unable to ("You've played yourself so well, And now I want to be you" - the person could be religious and be themselves, not play someone else, she envies this).
The rest of the song goes on to say how no matter how hard she tried to convince herself to believe what those around her did, she couldn't.
The more she tried to be part of the religion, the further away from it she was driven ("Oh, conversion has just left me heathen"). She keeps being told that not believing means going to hell, and now she is forced to accept it ("Oh, it's over I don't want to fight, I don't want to be right, I know that everything means nothing.") She knows in her heart that God exists and she doesn't want to have to believe that everything she thinks means nothing because it is not conventional religion ("I saw the light, I saw the light, But hey, it never saw me").
She's decided that since she's apparently going to Hell and the Devil will be her only friend, she's not going to spend her whole life waiting for the rapture, waiting for the second coming, waiting to get a sign like Saul did on the way to Damascus that the religion is right. Instead she's going to give up the guilt and live freely, along with earthly delights (mecca):
And we could wait a thousand years
Perhaps a million or more
If it's worth waiting for
But I'm leaving
And so on to a mecca of earthly delights
Depression is only desire deprived
Once more unto the breach and fuck my getting it right
We've died for so long
Let's just get out alive
She believes that she has also had experiences showing her the divine ("I've been to Demascus as well"), but no one cares because it's not written in the Bible. Thus she is condemned to do what, in the minds of the You in verse 1, is turning her back on faith and giving in to hell.
"On the road to Damascus they fell" makes the great conversion of Saul seem like something negative - "they fell". Perhaps it refers to the failing of free belief?
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