Still fairly bleh when I'm left to my own devices. Today when I was watching The L Word and something really bad happened*** on the show, I bawled. That never happens to me! That's 3 days in a row that I've cried, and I'm not the crying type. Know what I just realised? 3 days I've cried, 3 days I've had shit sleep. My eyes hurt. Anyway... SL seemed okay today. She invited me to go to the mall with her this afternoon but I just went home instead. I wish I could have stayed with her but I really didn't feel up to it all. I can stay up a little later tonight because it's a late start for me tomorrow. I dunno, I'm feeling exhausted. I have to polish off some stuff for an assignment I'm handing in tomorrow -- it's 11:10PM and I haven't started, hah. Once I'm done, which should hopefully be soon, I'll be off to bed. I'll print it off tomorrow, whatever. -yawnage- *** SPOILERZ FOR SEASON 3: (For those who haven't seen it, anyway.) It was the episode after Dana had died, and everyone was reminiscing about her, and they had the second funeral after Alice stole her ashes. Lara's reaction was really sad too.

I have barely slept. I didn't sleep much the night before either. I'm still very alert and awake however. Maybe work tonight will change that? Apparently we're a bit understaffed. She wasn't at school today. Fuuuck. I think I'll send her a message asking if she's okay in a few hours - I won't even mention what I said. I'll just joke about her missing my speech (I got a few laughs from it, so yay me!) and ask if she's okay. I have it all planned out in my head. Gaaaah. I know I'll bounce back. You're just going to have to deal with me being a downer freak until I do.

Sometimes it all falls into pieces Some other day life is so beautiful It's a little bit of this And a little bit of that Remember the good Don't forget the bad It's a little bit of this And a little bit of that Remember the good Learn from the bad times I'm listening to this song. Good song. It's meant to be empowering and uplifting but it's doing shit all for me right now. Grrr, I'm still so frustrated about it. I'm confused about what I'm thinking, and I can't help but think about it. It'll leave my mind, but then it'll replay - or what I can remember of it anyway - and I'll start to... Lost my train of thought on that but I found it significant so I'm leaving that as an incomplete sentence. What of it? Overall? I feel absolutely horrible. I don't want to leave my room right now. I'm embarrassed, I'm stupid, I'm pathetic. I'm a shitty friend. I'm not someone she wants to even know anymore. I said in my previous entry that she wasn't talking to me. Let me specify. Whenever we're both on MSN - if one of us signs in, she ALWAYS starts a conversation. She could sign in, then she'll talk to me. I don't have to do anything. Well, tonight, I was online before she came on - I was set to Away because I was watching The L Word (typical) but the computer screen was on so I saw her sign in. The episode finished, checked the computer, nothing from her. Took off Away, hung around for awhile, still nothing. I signed off, watched another episode and then signed back on so she would have seen me come online; guess what? NOTHING. Now that's petty, right? I mean, it's MSN. Honestly, it was always something I enjoyed, if she was online I'd always come online or let it be seen that I was there so we'd talk. And I'm not going to start talking to her, no fucking way. I don't want to pressure her or stress her out. I'm stressed out as much as it is. I'm a nervous wreck. This year started off extremely well, but now; my uncle, exams, assignments, the knowledge that one of the people I care about the most mightn't want a bar of me anymore. I'm losing my control over what I have in my life, or how my life is conducted. I'm feeling like shit. Sure, I get my bad days, but this is a string of upset. I never cry, but I've been crying frequently. I cried tonight. I cried yesterday. Did I cry the day before that? Can't remember. This could be everything that I've been needing to get out. I want to be happy and free like I was before. My last few entries haven't been written in good spirits. I put on a optimistic persona, and yes I do believe in the bright side of life but right now I don't think that I'm living it. I don't let on to people that I feel like this. I feel like it's a sign of weakness. Emotion, from me, is weak. From other people I can embrace it if they are willing to share it with me. I just can't reciprocate. It's something that's just my personality. I'm strong, I don't break, it's just how I am. I've had a breakdown before because I don't let it out, and I know I don't. The shit thing is I can feel another one coming on. I can't sleep. I slept 4 hours last night. I don't want to sleep now either. I'm very awake - I'm not energetic, but I'm alert. I feel like I want to start crying again, my eyes are stinging. I'm breaking. I'm not used to this. It won't matter how well I can act tomorrow. I'll have to avoid eye contact at all costs. I have to make a speech too, so I'm required to look at everyone. Including her. 3 entries in one day. What does that tell you? Personally, it tells me that I need to find other things to keep me occupied than dwelling on my own bullshit, I need something to distract me, to uplift me, to help me. But that's just me. Cheers to possibly the most pathetic journal on this site. Thank you, I couldn't have done it without you.

I'll be damned if I sink back into that teen drama bullshit. The thing is, it's not even dramatic for the other person. It's just me. I don't know what she's thinking, but she's not talking to me right now, that's all I know. She ALWAYS talks to me. For fucks sake. I take a risk, thinking that I might get something out of it. What do I get? "Okay." Um, if you haven't noticed, it's not fucking okay, I'm telling you this because it's not okay, it bothers me, and I need to get rid of it. Was it an attempt to unload it onto you? Maybe. Did it work? No. It's made it worse for me right now. I feel like shit. What sort of an idiot am I to think that something good would have come out of it? I like the straightest person I know. Did I think you were all of a sudden going to throw your arms around me because you felt the same? Did I think you'd react positively? Well I certainly thought you'd react. I'll give you a little bit of time to let it sink in. I'm not going to talk to you unless you talk to me. I'm certainly not going to address it. It's all up to you now. I don't care if what you're going to say is "I'm definitely not interested", I just want some sort of response. An acknowledgement. "Okay." I mean, what the hell?

Remember SL? I told her today. Her reaction: "Okay." Which is good, I guess. I began spinning out a bit afterwards actually and she could tell I was really nervous so she was like "Breathe! Calm down!" I said I just want to be her friend though and I needed to get that off my chest. Still I feel kind of pathetic. For the record - "SL" stands for Shexay Lover. Bahaha.

Finally you've come along The way I feel about you, it just can't be wrong If you only knew the way I feel about you I just can't describe it Finally it has happened to me Right in front of my face My feelings can't describe it Finally it has happened to me Eight in front of my face and I just can not hide it Finally, I've got The L Word, Seasons 2 and 3. Cheesy dance songs rock.

I have a slight outrage at a story I saw on the news tonight. Apparently there's a group of people who want to change fairytales to have more realistic circumstances so they're passing down moralic values to kids. So when Goldilocks enters the Three Bears' home, she gets arrested for breaking and entering. When the Three Little Pig's houses collapse because of the Big Bad Wolf, it's because they don't have building licences. Oh, and Little Red Riding Hood? She catches a bus around the forest to get to her grandmas house. What the fuck is that? That's taking away a kids childhood. When kids are hearing stories like that, that's what's fueling their imaginations. I think that children have the best creativity because they are not resticted by realism like most of us are, they don't think of morals, nor do they need to; they just invent and imagine. When you're passing down these social values to kids at such young ages, I believe that they'll wind up even more corrupt than the youth of today is now. I'm sorry, that's just ridiculous. Anyway, I need to type up my shopping list on here. There's so many things I want to get. Ahhh, how I love... things. xD

You want an entry about how I'm going to EV train my Pokemon, or how much I love certain TV shows? Look away. You want a pathetic entry, rambling on about shit I don't even know about, then read on. I've just suddenly got into a downer mood. Thing is, when I'm in these moods, I'm not a poet like half the people on this site are, I'm not cryptic, I can't turn it into something creative. I just am. And now I need to let it out. I've been getting it a lot lately. I'm happy on the outside, and for the most part on the inside too. There are things that make me happy. But then... I think I'm inadvertantly substituting things for a temporary fix. For example; I'm a binge eater. No, I'm not overweight, I'm rather thin actually. I've been binge eating a lot lately though. I normally blame winter because my appetite does tend to increase around this time, but it's almost like I eat because it's something to do. I can't just sit down and watch something, I need to eat while I'm doing it. "Oh, I'm going on the computer for a bit -- I'll go get a plate of cheese and biscuits for myself." I'm a consumer. I love buying things, I really do. Over two weeks, I've spent over $300 on DVDs and video games. That's not normal for me. It's gotten to the point where I've started to BRIBE myself to do things I don't want to. "If I finish this assignment in 3 hours, I'll go get myself a new DVD boxset." I shouldn't have to do that. I get the feeling I'm just disguising this as an excuse to spend, to own. To get my temporary fill. And once I'm done with what I've bought, I'll go get something else. Once I'm sick of what it's offering, I need to move on. And I know I've addressed what I'm lacking in my life previously, but someone of my age can't seriously be this desperate for something like that. I can't be affected this badly for my lack of love. It's not even love - it's companionship, it's knowing there's someone out there who cares about me. I have my friends, of course, who I care about, but when I think about them really, there's not much I can count on them for. My best friend and I have completely seperate lives - we talk on the phone once or twice a week, we see each other on the off day. She tells me about what she's been up to, and in her case there always is something to tell. I tell her that nothing's changed with me, which is true. Out of my friends at school, there is only one person who I trust enough to tell things to. Neither of these people I feel like I can completely open up to, either. I can tell them things, but I can't detail, and I don't particularly want to. Maybe that's what I'm missing? Not necessarily companionship, just someone I can open up to. I'm very closed off as it is as far as my emotions go. I don't like to let people know things about my life that get me down. To some people, I'm a source of optimism -- what do you do when what can pick you up is down? Where do you go? I do keep this up, and I am generally an optimistic person, I'm just dragged down right now by what I'm lacking, or I feel like I need. Or I've made myself believe I need. For a moment, I considered that maybe it's because of the shows I've been watching that idealize love and relationships; I see these things, and I feel like I want it. Like the DVDs, like the video games, like the plate of food. Is it the same sort of craving? Why is it that when I'm all alone, without a new toy, my mind just crashes? Congratulations if you reached this point. I don't want to go on because I'm saddening myself. I always swore I didn't want this to become one of "those" journals, but clearly I need an outlet.

3/4's to 100. *gasp* Awesome night at work tonight, first time I've been there in awhile. Did about four hours, which is great, more than I normally do. I had a little bit of a spin out but other than that, I had loads of fun. Lovin' Gabriella Cilmi's "Don't Wanna Go To Bed Now". Check it out, muthatruckah, if you're game enough to actually enjoy a pop rock song. If you're too H4RDK0R3 then move along. Oh, and I finished Season 1 of The L Word. UEGBFIKBWERF! That is my reaction. If you have not seen it, and you like shows like Sex And The City, then don't read this and go watch it because it's fantastic. Contains slight spoilahz. --- I love Dana. I'm in love with Lara *drool*. When they were together I was like "WEEEEE!". I can't stand Tonya though. I totally knew that Alice and Dana were into each other. And I lol'd so hard at Dana and Jenny hooking up, bahahaha. Marina kind of annoys me, but I like her with Jenny. Tim annoys me too. I like Jenny though. Bette and Tina are okay too, I really don't like Candice though, Bette can do so much better.