i don't know why i'm here and i don't know why i haven't been here before. i have a livejournal. i have all the writing journals known to man on the internet. but this one has gone untouched. that's why i'm here. because i haven't been here before. my heart is utterly full of joy. majesty. power. i don't know what to owe it all to. i feel like there's a divine presence inside of me. i truly feel the presence of God, and it's put me at peace. i love Him so immensely that it hurts. and i can never stop thanking Him for all that i have. my heart is also utterly full because of music. patrick wolf. i love him so much. so much that it also hurts. i only wonder if he knows what he has done for me and for other fans. he is a true blessing. i confess to thanking God for him every night. i ask god to bless him, inspire him, keep him safe. i know patrick doesn't believe in my God, as far as i know. then i wonder if patrick would even want me to pray for him. i always pray for the people i care about and the people i couldn't live without. patrick wolf is one of those people, so it's only right that i do this. this is a very religiously tinged post, i know...which is so rare for me to speak of God so much. it's necessary for me to explain my relationship with patrick. i suffered a horrible breakup earlier this year. i was succumbing to the most awful pain and depression. i lost so much weight, i felt worthless. i had no will to live. i asked God to bring me happiness, something to cure my broken heart. i found patrick not so long afterwards. his music was what made me get up and live again. his music gave and still gives me a reason to smile. i'm not quite as lonely with him in my life. i'm in love with him. odd, i know. but am i completely happy with this? yes. i do feel the need to call out that i have music in my life that i place above patrick's. i do love the killers with everything i have. my allegiance to them is permanent, and i owe so much of the person i am to their music. they are my heroes, my saviours in flesh. my boys. i don't want anyone to ever think that there is anything in the musical world that i'd place above the killers. i may not listen to them as much as i did at the height of my obsession, but i still love them just as equally. i may not talk about them every 5 minutes, but they're on my mind just as much. it's almost like i now have an unsaid love for them. i don't care if anyone knows that i'm a fan of theirs. as long as i have the killers for myself, nothing matters. why i feel the need to spiel about the music i love, i'm not sure. if me saying that it didn't matter who knew as long as i had the music to myself was true, why do i still do it? is it because i'm boastful? or proud? is it because i want to show up other fans? or is it simply because i want to let everyone know what makes me who i am? i'm going to go with the latter response. to get it all straight: this is who i am. i'm a seventeen year old girl who's looking for her place in the world. i'm single, and i'm fine with that. i truly believe my relationship with music takes the place of any boyfriend. i dream of a boyfriend, though, every night. we'll have a cottage in the countryside with a garden and apple cider and an old record player. we won't have a calendar or a clock...or a phone, or a mailbox. no one will know of our existence. we'll know of no one but each other. the world could be ending, and we wouldn't know. we'd write and record music on a 4-track, me on my ukulele and him on violin. we'll both play piano from time to time. he'll think i sing perfectly. he'll love music as much as me. we'll talk about it endlessly. people criticise me and my hopeless romantic tendencies. i don't understand how they could. if i can dream it, it's there. somewhere. why settle for someone who isn't your dream? why spend all your life wondering if he's still out there? i love words. i love their sound, their meaning, their capability to evoke emotion. words are power. i want to be a writer. i want to help people speak. i want to defend people's rights to express themselves freely. a journalist. a speech pathologist. a lawyer. i'm unlike anyone i know. being an indie kid in a small, small town is hard. people scorn you. people don't understand. it leaves you wanting to leave. to find someone that will understand you completely without having to explain a single thing. music is me, essentially. everything i know, love, and want is because of music. the killers and patrick wolf are my true and only loves. nothing is more pure. nothing makes me more happy. so there we are. the first spiel in this journal. it may be the first of many or the last of many. will anyone read this...i don't know. if anyone does, i'll never know. is there even a commenting feature on here? another one of life's mysteries. if you do read this, you MUST go download this song. pumpkin soup by patrick wolf. it's everything i'm feeling right now. XX