I am a horrible friend. And I suck at friendship. Had I not been so gutless and selfish, things could have taken a different turn.. ..So it's been almost two weeks since I found out about the tragic event - however, 5 months too late..It was a stab in the face to learn that they didn't deem me important enough to send some sort of note--- actually...FUCK! FUCK FUCK! I can't talk about it yet, my feelings are still too restless.. Mostly I feel guilt and regret, then anger and shame, and sometimes I still get bouts of disbelief. I know it's all part of the grieving process but my stubborness is preventing me from finding help and taking comfort in someone else because I find it unfair to pass on this unnecessary burden. I'm shutting up now..sorry.