His name was Tom, and he was a good friend of mine. He committed suicide and was found dead on the 15 of Ocober 2007... Why the fuck is it so hard to say..

12 weeks later and still no recognition...fuck this.. I need to talk to someone soon or I'm going to explode. Anyway, that's the truth of it, and the sad thing is that I couldn't admit that without being the least bit intoxicated. It's really doing my head in, this passive-aggressive behaviour isn't doing any good, I know this but everything just keeps going in circles. It's fuckin' ridiculous, I dont' know where to begin anymore. I've been saying this all along, I'm losing myself in this new reality that I've created, but the only problem is that it's all a lie...I don't know what to believe... I can't maintain a constant feeling, I'm experiencing different highs and lows everyday. I don't know how I'm going to feel in the morning - I fall asleep feeling one thing, and the next moment, I'm laying in my bed staring at the ceiling having no recollection of the day before. Most of the day is a routine.. I'm really starting to miss the company, but over the past months I just feel like everyone I know has made significant progress in their lives. And because I've been absent for most of it, I have no place to be there. Sitting back, I can see the minimal impact my absence would have. There would be no real difference if I disappeared - there would be a brief period of grief, however the experience will only make them stronger and more determined.

Passer-bye took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Feels too much is being asked of her and is tired ..."

Click here to read the rest of the results. I can't believe that a quiz can explain my current situation better than I can... I've put my feelings on hold for the past couple of weeks so here it goes..just a little of what I've been suppressing.. His birthday came and went, which was on the 1st of May. I visited him of course, I dropped by the day before, only I saw that his nana was there..typically, I couldn't make myself face anyone he knew so I stayed in the car and drove on. It would have been awkward, probably more-so for her anyway, and the last thing I wanted to do was make an elderly woman uncomfortable. On the next day, on his actual birthday, i didn't get there til the afternoon. I had to drop my sister to Uni and then I walked around the store trying to make up my mind as to what I should bring to his grave. It had been a struggle, but upon finally deciding on a bouquet of white autumn flowers and a balloon I set off. When i got there, it was an hour before sun-down so I planned to stay there with him. Every sunset is a spectacular sight and since his grave already faces the sun, it was such a gift.. Needless-to-say, some others had already been there, there had been flowers and cards and a Mad magazine..suddenly I was feeling a little foolish with what I brought..why didn't I think to bring him something he used to enjoy? My flowers looked tacky compared to the others and what was I thinking, buying a balloon on a stick..? It didn't represent him at all. Also, in the back of my mind, I was wondering what if someone else showed up? (Luckily during the course nobody else did..) But after calming down and geting some perspective - it was his birthday afterall and I should be celebrating in his memory - I pulled out his picture, lit a candle and sat back to face the descending sun. It had been a beautiful day afterall, there were also trees that lined the perimeter so that it blocked the main road, and along the paths so that there was a constant chirp from birds nearby..I couldn't help but think what a peaceful place this graveyard was. The sky was a mixture of purple, pink and orange by this point, and I could only wish that I had some weed just to make it a little closer to perfect. He would have enjoyed that, just to have one last chill session.. *sigh* I should probably end on that happily wishful note..for once.. yeah, I think I will.. smile, smile.

My short-term memory is on the brink..I can't easily recall much of anything after 30mins. I wake up not knowing I was ever asleep at all, and sometimes I can be driving home and have a complete blank as to how i got back. It's the autopilot syndrome, where you mind picks up temporary stimulus - for the time it takes to reach the objective - then it's thrown away. You know you did it but you have no record of any observable feelings or thoughts that might have been encountered. I thought clearly and concise for the first time in a long time yesterday. Usually it takes me hours and days, even weeks to comprehend my thoughts - I have no problem evaluating other people and all else but when it comes to my own thoughts and feelings, I'm just a big ball of indifference. Every thought is like a stream of bubbles, only they're not soapy, they're made of plastic, and therefore, harder to burst. Some people are equipped with a sharper pin, but mine is blunt, rusty and out of practice. I would have to pop those bubbles if I want to make sense of it but sometimes I am distracted by their beauty, and then ofcourse I would rely on them to burst on their own accord. But those are rare moments and only possible when the heat is on, which then creates a chain of explosions. However, as more thoughts occur the old bubbles are pushed aside and they are separated from each other and sometimes never to be seen again, but you know they're there and you can't quite reach them with that pin. So you search and search but new bubbles just get in the way, and as bubbles get older they get harder and soon they're marbles and you're stepping and tripping all over them. That just makes you frustrated and makes pricking those other bubbles a lot harder. Fuck..that made no sense, I'm sure.. But back to my original point, my mind had been in flames yesterday while visiting my friend at his grave. The bubbles just kept popping, like bright lights. As I sat there, I had the sun in my face and the sky above me was blue and cloudless. I stayed there for 30mins, I didn't want to get up and ruin the flow of thoughts, but I told myself I was on a schedule..even though I was really partly afraid of acquiring any sense of optimism that may interfere with the "flow". Confused? Anyway, I wish I had brought a notepad, because there would be no expecting it again the next time..

I feel ignored and neglected, and it's exactly what I deserve..But I'm not over it, not even close. The only thing keeping me here is this job, which really is a last ditch effort to repay everyone and to show my appreciation. I still find it a huge coincidence that I got employed only a few days before I found out about my friend's death. From the greatest high to the greatest low, this is truly a chaotic world that we live in. Forget all the rules you know, karma exists and free will is ignorance. "Lest we forget" - ANZAC day 2008

Yesterday I pulled all the posters off my walls except for one. After having those up for 5 years - I figured it was time for a new scenery. It's one big cliched attempt at moving on.. It's all very predictable. "There’s a feeling coming back Connected by a thread Pulling at your hands like a spider web Like a kite that isn’t there.. If it’s a life of possibilities That pulls you away that claws and tears And challenges you to stay, well, then If it’s a life of possibilities That you’ve gotta live then Don’t be surprised when they don’t remember you Or simply don’t want to, yea yea yea..."

Yeah so there goes another advice left unnoticed. I actually had a whole post about this a while ago but I kept getting off track..as if this would be any different... I can't seem to make anyone sit down and listen to what I have to say, and on the small chance they they do, I'm never taken seriously..The only time my words are taken for substance is when someone else says them..I'm used to it though, it's always been like that for as long as I remember, so I've stopped trying. But I'm 20 now and it's making me feel like an idiot kid, and in turn I've become bitter and cynical, which doesn't help my case. Maybe it's how I come off, I'm socially awkward and I've lost the ability to recognise my own feelings...Who would they rather believe? Definately not someone who seems like they're pulling crap out of their mouth..most of the time I do..Fuck..but only because I know it'll bounce right off them. See what I mean? I've been lying for so long I'm beginning to believe it like everyone else and that's what makes things all the more confusing. The happier I am is when it's the scariest. Anyway..onto other news.. I finally have a job, my first ever steady job. All I do is fill shelves at a grocery store in the middle of the night. It's not to bad..not the ideal job, but at this point I welcome any change and all the distraction I can get. It's actually brought out the OCD in me and I can't get enough..They say that after the 7th shift I'll be able to stay until 3am...call me crazy, but I can't wait. .. .. I've visited his grave 7 times in almost 5 weeks. But only twice in the last 2 because my brother has been home and I've yet to tell them. I haven't talked to anyone about it actually, and I'm afraid that it might turn into a distant lie I will soon forget..I know I can't let that happen, I owe him that much..In those short weeks though, I can't believe that the candle and pebble I left have disappeared..talk about disrespect..I can't say they're any worse than me though. "Someday, I’m telling you They’ll make a memory machine To wax our hearts to a blinding sheen To wash away the grief.."

Yeah, so I just took three shots of bourbon whiskey (Jim Bean to be exact) at 1:15pm..What the hell?!? That's hardcore dude!! Really at this moment, I don't care what I do, I'm up for anything. In about two hours I will be boarding a bus into the city or as you foreigners say, "into town". It's the damn business district, how is it a town when the buildings are 20 feet high and there are cars everywhere? Makes not sense..I swear, everyone is losing touch with the natural environment these days, and that's the saddest point. When a society has no common goal, they collapse, and that's exactly where this town - the whole human race - is headed, into oblivion. I can't say I care anymore, really - screw it, everyone is just so goddamn selfish. It's a piss-poor attitude. I've been to the library way too many times, you know, some people should try it once in a while, actually they should try it more often. Reading is good, knowledge is good, CHANGE IS GOOD. Pick up a book and learn, I can't stress it enough. Anyway, on this fateful day that I arrived at the library I found a book called "Biomimicry" (btw, that's bio-mimic-ree) by Janine M. Benyus, while it's not a new concept, it hasn't really achieved the high praise or the attention that it deserves. If everyone would just put down their coffee cup for a second and turn off their car, it would provide the ultimate answer to everything. Get a copy of the book, or you know, pester google and put that mind of yours to good use. The only way for this concept to work is if everyone freakin' even attempts to understand it. There's nothing romotely political about it, on the contrary, there's nothing political about nature, it's the fuckin' definition of life. As species on this earth we have a purpose to respect the resources that it provides and not to push it to their limits. As humans, we are not the ultimate species, in fact, we fall prey to practically every carnivor out there, it just so happens that Christianity came around and redefined our damned purpose, thus we developed a need to fuck things up. I truly do believe that Christianity was the ultimate cause for our disconnection with nature. What genius inventor didn't start out as a Christian? Not that I'm disgracing inventors, the really had no choice, by being born into a screwed up society, their intelligence were bound to lead them into another tangent, if only it had been the correct one. So I don't blame them for furthering Christianity, they were just as ignorant.. So this is making my head hurt, and doesn't it just suck when you know that no one will give a shit? Somtimes I wish I could just shut up forever. Maybe I will be looking forward to that soon.

I am a horrible friend. And I suck at friendship. Had I not been so gutless and selfish, things could have taken a different turn.. ..So it's been almost two weeks since I found out about the tragic event - however, 5 months too late..It was a stab in the face to learn that they didn't deem me important enough to send some sort of note--- actually...FUCK! FUCK FUCK! I can't talk about it yet, my feelings are still too restless.. Mostly I feel guilt and regret, then anger and shame, and sometimes I still get bouts of disbelief. I know it's all part of the grieving process but my stubborness is preventing me from finding help and taking comfort in someone else because I find it unfair to pass on this unnecessary burden. I'm shutting up now..sorry.

I am comfortable with my sister's boyfriend. Yep, and she should know, only it might freak her out coming from me. I think he is a great guy, not that she goes out with horrible guys but I'm not all that familiar with having someone's significant other walk around our house and hang around while we're doing our everyday things - the boring stuff. But he can take it all just fine. He can withstand the boredom and the random banter. GOODY. [yeah BIG edit..nothing to see here]