When you manage to relieve yourself of a relationship that isn't going anywhere, and find yourself immediately in the throes of a new love, it can mean one of a few things. 1- You are rebounding with a vengeance. 2- You are afraid to be alone. 3- Your match came along and against all better judgement, you couldn't resist. I'm thinking that I am in a mix of 2 and 3. I don't like to be alone. I like to be snuggled under someone's chin at night, and I like to hold hands and do laundry and dishes together. I live to be with a significant other. I'm no good at single life. But in the same token, I've never been so swept off my feet. Everything I wanted is given to me through him. Security, love, passion, understanding, romance. Above all things, romance. I've spent two long years slowly losing my self-worth. Feeling like I had better stay in my relationship because who else would want me? I'm done with that. I haven't been this confident and sure of myself in a long time. He makes me feel like I am the absolute most beautiful creature ever to walk the face of the earth. The way he looks at me, then smiles slowly... I melt. He told me that he doesn't get to see me often enough, so he has to keep his eyes on me the entire time we are together. I was never much for kissing before. I liked it fine, but usually I would just prefer soft kisses, mouth to mouth with not much else involved. Now I can't pull myself away from him. I have to kiss him deeper, pull him into me, keep my hands around his neck so that he can't sneak away while my eyes are closed. It's this amazing feeling of being completely safe all the time. I know that he loves me and he goes out of his way to show me that he does, so I never have to wonder or worry, I just know. If I am not with him, I am thinking of him and I know he's constantly thinking about me. It's not the kind of thing that you can find on eHarmony or Dial a Mate... It's pure chemistry. I don't believe in love at first site, but I do think that when you are completely wrapped up in someone, you can't think back to a time when you didn't love that person. I can remember tiny details of when we first met and started to make small talk at work, but I see the memories through these foggy lenses now... I can't see him as the nameless service guy anymore, even though I remember when that's who he was to me. I've always been the hopeless romantic, and for a while it was supressed... shoved back into the tiniest corner of my brain. I didn't write poetry anymore. I didn't find joy in looking up at the stars. I didn't appreciate simple tasks like washing the dishes together or snuggling before bed. Sleep. Wake up. Eat. Work. Come home. Eat. Fuck. Sleep. Rinse and repeat. My day to day life meant nothing. I didn't care what I wore to work the next day. I didn't care if I bothered to pluck my eyebrows. And now getting up in the morning has a purpose... It still sucks, especially if I happen to be waking up in his bed, because I just want to be back in his arms and not think about things like working, but if getting out of bed puts me three steps closer to seeing him, it's worth it to me. I know I am a big loser for thinking all of these things... but I can't help it... I remember what it feels like to be in love with someone again. It feels like walking on a cloud all day. It feels like no one can do you any harm. It feels like heaven. Sweetest Mistake Never expected so sweet a reaction Love wasn't part of my new plan of action It only takes one match to start a fire And it's burning in me, passion, desire Giving, taking, tossing, turning Caring, sharing, loving, learning Strangers to friends, friends into lovers Promise I'll never miss out on another Moment of your life, touch of your hand One look in your eyes and now I understand What it means to be completely at home In somebody's arms, and never alone Whether you're near me or far away My heart beats only for you night and day Whatever the choices hearts tell us to make Falling in love is the sweetest mistake

I don't know why I felt compelled to use that song lyric... but seeing as no one reads this, I can write whatever I want... so there. I'm at el dealershipo otra vez... por supuesto y por siempre... No lo ODIO, pero no me gusta mucho tampoco... Es muy aburrido... y cada dia el mismo... La extrano mis clases de espanol, no porque me gustan las clases, pero amo apprender la lengua... And that's about enough... Boring, fat, grumpy, old salespeople and pissed off managers are my life during the day... and unfortunately, during the night sometimes... like today... One to nine really isn't that hard of a work day, but I'm so bored here that it often goes by very slowly... I was hoping to be able to do my little survey taking job online here, but of course that is blocked by our shit internet policy... otherwise I would get fucking rich taking surveys because I have nothing but time on my hands when I am here. Instead, I say what I think of songs and I answer questions on yahoo... what a fun fun pasttime...

Watched my life pass me by -- in the rearview mirror Pictures frozen in time -- are becoming clearer I don't wanna waste another day -- stuck in the shadow of my mistakes The beginning of his new single kind of describes what is going on in my life... Like I have been just going through my life, watching it in the "rearview mirror"... The other day, I actually said to myself, "Liz, living life is like driving a car... you have to watch where you are going for the most part, but check the rearview mirror once in a while." I just wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed, rinse and repeat. Every day. Little things make me feel like I need to do something different. Things like talking to Jennifer and Katy the other day after dance. Just being around people who are ambitious and driven, and who have a passion for something as much as I do... it's a good feeling. With Stephen, I feel like he can't do that much to help me because he is in such a rut himself. Taco Bell gave him his raise, but barely. He was making 8:50...now he is making like 10:35. Barely a raise for what he's been doing for that fucking store. They are assholes. He is never going to be happy while he's working there. In other news... Ash is getting neutered today. He should be getting it done by now if he's not already recovering... hopefully it will all go well. He's been a pretty lucky little baby up to now so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. They called to ask about his ear infection earlier... I hope nothing complicates the surgery. I had his food in there last night but I don't think he ate much of it, and I know he probably didn't drink a lot of water... They said at the SPCA that if they have something in their stomach they can throw it up during the surgery and sometimes it's fatal... I don't want that to happen after I've worked so hard to give him a fighting chance. His fur and skin are really unhealthy, too, so I have to give him a really good diet and try to get him back to happy healthy indoor kitty-ness. He deserves it... he's a little snuggle bunny and very sweet. Been taking his medicine well, and I'm very attached to him... so let's hope for the best.

Today started off under par again. I woke up at 5 this morning to find Stephen still playing his game (since last night at 10, he's ridiculous). I got him to come back to bed and then he wanted us to stay up until work because we would only get another hour or two of sleep. I wanted to sleep but I was going to try staying awake. We had the TV on and we were going to look at Boxers online, but he fell asleep! So I just went to sleep and woke up 2 hours later when my alarm went off at seven. Knowing that Stephen wanted me to wake him up so we could have breakfast, and also knowing that he wouldn't be able to wake up, I just set the alarm for 7:30 and dozed for another half hour until then. Showered, which felt lovely because, like usual, the house is only cold in the early morning, and hopped back into bed for my fifteen minute snuggle with Stephen before I had to get up, get dressed, and drive to work. Somehow I managed to get out of the house early enough to grab coffee AND fill up my gas tank without being more than a minute late for work at 9. Printed the reports, drank my coffee, bought some crackers so I could take my pills. Read an email from my mom and cried for a while in the bathroom, partly because I feel sorry for myself, and partly because I disappoint myself daily. For my lunch hour today, I went with my dad to get my oil changed at the Honda place and we got a chance to talk for a while about a bunch of stuff. He basically told me that I can't spend my entire life thinking about the choices I should have made because then all I'll be doing is regretting my life and being disappointed in myself forever. He said that instead, I need to just learn from my mistakes and move on from them, and work on making the best out of my present situations. It makes sense. Cher said the same thing. Do things that you think are right, and then when you are older, just say "Shit, I shouldn't have done that" and let it go. I suppose I could try that strategy for a while, but I live with so much self-afflicted guilt about things I should have done, things I meant to do and forgot about, choices I made and then regretted soon after, and on and on and on. I'm going to try to make smart decisions, and when I make the wrong decision, I'm going to try to move past it and get on with my life without letting the past depress me. I hate having to stop being a kid, but I chose it and I guess all I can do now is stick to it.

So today I woke up to hugs and kisses from Stephen at 6:20 AM. It was, in retrospect, a very nice way to be woken up. However, since it meant that I became conscious of the fact that I had to get out of bed forty minutes later, it made me very depressed. He went to play his game (he's very predictable) and I went right back to sleep. In the half hour I had left of my night time, I had a dream about Abby. I don't think she was actually our dog at that time, but our family had her on hold, and I sat and watched as someone else came and tried to buy her. I don't know why I had this dream, or why I would have let anyone take my dog away, but I remember only being very sad about it, and even though in the dream she wasn't totally our dog yet, I loved her the same way that I love her now. I woke up disoriented and heartbroken when my alarm went off at 7, and I suppose this helped to start my day off on the wrong foot. I gave myself one more half hour shot at being ready to wake up, but at 7:30 I dind't feel any more rested than I did at 7. With a lot of effort, I hoisted (what's a hoist?) myself up and out of the bed, and trudged toward the living room to say good morning to Stephen. It was freezing in the house this morning, probably not much more than 65 degrees. My shower felt heavenly because of the warmth of the water, and it relaxed me a little bit, but my main goal was to get in and out quickly enough that I would still have a little time to lay in bed with Stephen for a few minutes before having to get dressed. I felt very sad, and my face must have expressed that very clearly, because Stephen asked me if I had been crying. I told him I hadn't, but that I felt like I could cry all day. He gave me a hug and told me not to be sad, and he agreed to come snuggle with me in bed for a little while. Sometimes, when you are feeling upset, even for no reason, it feels really good to slip into your favorite sweatpants and get under the covers and into the arms of your baby. He was warm and soft and the combination of him plus my sweatpants plus our marshmallow bed made at least 15 minutes of my day fairly enjoyable. Of course, the alarm went off at 8:10 and I had to get up because I had already used all of my extra time. Clothes, make up, hair, shoes. I grabbed my phone and my work clothes for the Funny Bone tonight, kissed my boyfriend longingly one last time, and headed out the door. It looked like it would be a pretty hot day. Only 8:30 and already about 75 degrees. My car was pretty warm from the sunshine so I put the air conditioning on low and grabbed my sunglasses. They are red and black and I love them a lot, but I would really like my pink Steve Madden sunglasses back. I think Astrid has them right now. I passed through the drive through Dunkin Donuts to get a hot coffee, which I think caused me to be about 3 minutes late, but it wasn't a big deal, and at least I made it to work today. I was tired and in a pretty bad mood for the entire car ride, so I listened to my old B*Witched CD and tried to liven up a little. The coffee helped once it cooled off and I could drink it. Everything got started pretty quickly once I got into the showroom. As soon as I had printed off the reports and started dating them, the salesmen came in and started demanding their sheets. I work better when I am busy and not left with time to ponder my sad existence. I started trying to look at the good things that are going on. I actually have a job, and even though I don't like working, I'd rather be able to pay my bills than not. My hair is very soft today; I started using Brilliant Brunette by John Frieda and I think the extra few bucks per tube is worth it because I don't want to stop touching my head. My mom called and we arranged to meet at 12 for lunch with my dad at Panera Bread. Now I am looking forward to a delicious turkey panini and an Asian salad with some super crunchy chips. Starting very very soon, I need to be sticking to my diet so I can lose weight, otherwise no one will believe me when I say that the products work. I really want to lose some weight anyways and get back to my normal self. Actually my long term goal is to get down to BETTER than my normal self and be a 5 or a 7 like I was in my freshman year of high school. I just remember feeling so healthy and so energetic, and I really want that feeling again. As far as I know, Herbalife can do that for me if I stick to the plan, so even though it's a lot of money to throw into something right away, I do believe in it. If I work hard at it and follow directions, I think I might be able to make money off of it, too. The leaders of the program talk about the financial freedom you can have, and the fun and rewarding experiences you get with the company, and all of it sounds a lot better than what I am doing with my life right now. I've been writing for a pretty long time now. It felt good, like always when I get in certain moods, to candidly let all of my feelings out and not really worry about who is going to read it. Frankly, I don't think any of my friends know that this site exists, and even if they did, which of them would care? It's a site about talking about the meanings of songs. You can only like so many bands, and even then, only some bands have really cryptic lyrics. No one ever wonders what Britney Spears' songs are about, because they are either clear in meaning, or clear about not meaning anything at all. Lovely.

I really don't know why anyone would need a journal on songmeanings.net... what the hell am I going to write in here? But at least it is a place for me to write... This site was awesome when I first came here because I could look at what people thought of the dresden dolls and I could post my opinions to make them look stupid and make myself look like a genius. But now that I have commented on all of the songs of theirs that I know, I don't know what else to really do here. I went to look at some t.A.T.y songs and comment on those, but who really cares? Most of their songs have pretty obvious meanings. Either that or they have no apparent meaning at all. I don't even know of really any other bands I would be interested in looking up. I was going to look at panic! at the disco, but everyone who posted there is fourteen and probably has an emo haircut. blah. no thanks. Sucks that those are the people who are going to be attending the concert...