so i've decided and accepted that i'm severely mentally ill. this morning i swore to whatever god there may be that i am a vampire. i wish it could be dark all the time. i haven't seen my "psychologist" in a while. my "psychologist" is a sorry excuse for anything. i mean, i like her, so those probably weren't the right words to use, but i don't think she's right for me. she thinks my niche is in theater. it certainly isn't. i was on the verge of tears this morning because i heard concert music and thought of how much i miss band. because i really do miss band and i regret dropping out of it for theater arts. i'm doing terribly in theater arts. anyway, if i see my "psychologist" anytime soon, i'll probably just tell her that i'm going insane and that i don't care because certainly anything these days can be fixed by going to the doctor and making them fork over a few bottles of pills. certainly there's nothing the DRUG INDUSTRY can't do. but the point of bringing that up was not to convince myself that i need pills, no. it was to explain how i would list every disorder i think i have and tell her that i know logically that i can't seriously have all those disorders but since i'm insane, there are different parts of me and they're becoming more prominent. oh, and that adds another disorder to the list. but here, for the sake of...everyone probably wanting to know now, i'll list all the disorders i have and explain them as well as i can without visiting wikipedia. psychosis/schizophrenia - it's when you feel completely detached from reality. it's impossible to explain. i guess it just feels like you're watching a movie all the time. you'll know if you have it. also, your morals change when you get it. you just don't care any more. ADD - everyone knows what ADD is. but you don't know how hard it is to live your whole life with it and never get diagnosed. my teachers didn't even think i had it until the sixth grade, and i'd been bad at homework ever since third grade. i remember one time in second grade i forgot my homework and my teacher made me copy down a "rule number". i'd never gotten a rule number before. BDD - body dysmorphic disorder - this one's a new disorder. and i think i do have it. it's where you just think you're ugly all the time. fat, ugly, etc. you find your flaws and they make you unable to function. sometimes i hate going to school because i know i'm fat. most people with this disorder either a) can't look in the mirror, which is how my best friend is, or b) look in the mirror all the time for their own different reasons, but not out of vanity, which is what i do. my reasons for looking in the mirror all the time are to make sure i dont have any one little thing wrong with my appearance, to stare at myself if it's in the car because it's from a flattering angle, and to convince myself i don't look THAT bad (which obviously never works, because i do look bad). and this disorder causes the next disorder on my list. SAD - social anxiety disorder - i'm terribly shy. i'm beyond terribly shy. i'm distressingly shy, too shy for my own good, and i HATE it. eating disorders - i don't really have any but they could develop. but god you dont even know how GOOD it feels to throw something up. derealization/depersonalization - yeah, so i can't explain these as well as wikipedia can, so look them up

so i've decided to start blogging here, because it's more anonymous-feeling than myspace or facebook. that means that i can put anything i want and swear and talk about vulgar things and no one will care! well, i've decided i don't like guys anymore. i'm not a lesbian either. it's kind of weird and is probably just a phase. it's like that giving up feeling. i mean i still LIKE guys, but i don't like anyone specific and i don't really want to. guys just piss me the fuck off. ahaha. yeah.