I'm pretty much terrified right now because i'm going to look at some furniture tomorrow. I'm all moved in away from Albany and am in Atlanta (civilization) now, but I don't really know what to do with myself. It's like I needed my miserable situation to pair with my self-loathing. Misery has been my only company for the past couple years, and now the self-loathing has multiplied in the past couple days to make up for it. Feel like a basket case always, but more so right now. Good thing the shrink appointment is tomorrow anyway. I don't know what I'm going to do without my routine of misery.

I need to be careful with what I put in here. But I also need to get down a few things. I've been an angry, immature person for pretty much the entirety of my adult life. I've been dealing with some things from my past, and I've been increasingly suffering from a sort of psychosis that has crippled me. I've hated what I am for a long time now, but it's time to make peace with myself. It's difficult, but if I maintain my patience, I believe I can do it. I can't live like I have been anymore. Making peace is my only option if I want to survive. And, well, I do. And with that, I need to leave the entirety of my life so far behind. My habits, my career, my drinking, my isolation, my self-loathing, my laziness, my selfishness....they are all connected. With this new job I'm close to landing, I'm hoping that it is the beginning of a second chance. I have all the respect in the world for police officers, but it is obvious that I am not one. This job will be healthier for me, and I'll be able to use more of my skills. Atlanta will be healthier for me, too, giving me the oppurtunity to make new friends, possibly a boyfriend, too. It's obvious now that I am not the huge victim I've made myself out to be. It's not a coincidence that every guy I fall in love with is unavailable one way or another. I have taken for granted the people that support me. I suffered the lowest point in my life a couple weeks ago and broke down on the phone with my friend. He still loves me despite my psychosis. All these people I put down as job references have been texting and calling me with support. All the other friends I have are pretty much just a bonus to my family and godfamily. I love them, and I owe it to them to improve myself instead of drowning in my own created misery. I will overcome this psychosis. I will not dwell in misery. I need to move on or it will claim me in the end. I have too many who love me to let it do that. Now, do I wait to quit until I get the call back, or do I say 'fuck it' and leave already? Hmm.

So, I think it's time to upgrade this journal from Jon ramblings, to....anything else. Yup. I graduated the academy...and I was ready to be done with it on the last day, and was so happy to finish....now I miss it. I'd rather get OC sprayed again than fill out another application. It's draining to get told multiple times, in so many forms of flattery, "no". ....And then back to the drawing board to fill out the same million lines of information on a separate application. I feel like I'd make a damn good whatever-I-wanna-be, but this budget-watching from the recession is just brutal. It's sparked a slight anxiety attack on two separate occasions as I deal with sort of an identity crisis. I freak out because nobody's hiring me, but I gotta shut up and realize it's ok...and it'll work out. There's no need to freak out over my lack of a job and just run and join the peace corps. ...Yet, anyway. I really feel embarassed that this anxiety attack is happening the night before a damn orientation session. 30 minutes of information about the salary, benefits, hiring process, etc, which i probably don't even need to dress up for, and i'm getting jittery and debating skipping it to go join the peace corps. Why? Why am I nervous over this? Absolutely ridiculous. That pit in my stomach needs to go away, because it's extremely unnecessary right now. I'm just glad I know I'm able to conquer these feelings of nervous nauseau when it counts...it's what helps me know i'll make a good LEO. In fact, thinking about it now, maybe that's why i'm suffering from this mini anxiety attack the night before an orientation session...there's no pressure. I'm not being tested, interviewed, or being forced to perform anything. I just have to sit there and absorb information. No pressure, no need to impress, nothing like that at all...and so, these anxious feelings are going unchecked, because there's no consequence for leaving them unchecked. They took over because I lacked the need to beat them down. Meanwhile, when I was about to fail out of the academy on firearms of the last day, I fucking knocked it out of the park and passed three times in the pouring rain. During evoc, they talked about the difficulty of the cone course constantly - and i pwned it (while fucking up on the braking exercise which i originally wasn't worried about at all). Tonight is a learning experience. I can deal with anxiety when there's pressure to perform. When there's no consequence, i'm a wreck. Doubt starts to creep in because there's no repercussion for letting it do so, and then it starts a chain reaction inside my brain. I'm listening to Shearwater right now. I love them so much, and they're calming me down a bit. "The holy, holy melody will bring them all to me..."

Yeah. I still hate him, still love him, three or so months removed from it all. Still not really over it. Can we say "emo pussy"? Gaybar is fun, but full of older guys and attached guys. Got closer to a gay acquaintance, had a little crush, but apparently can't compete with his 40yearold sugardaddy. Websites are...well, lame. And full of lots of those 40yearolds who want to be a sugardaddy. And lots of dudes just looking to fuck. I'm a little lonely, but I never want to sink to the self-loathing, 'woe is me' depths that some people do concerning this shit. Sure i'm lonely, but i'm not looking for pity. I've had a chance or two. Real life is catching up fast, have to find a job. Part of me doubts how I'll manage to survive. The other part of me can't wait to start kicking ass in the real world. I'm slightly jealous of my roommate's little venture into band-making without me, but at the same time, glad for him. When I really think about it, I just don't think I can contribute very well. I hate heartburn. Gonna try to sleep on it again.

I hate the butterflies he puts in my stomach.