Lately, I took a romantic interest in Emily. She played hard-to-get with me, but I finally got her to a point where I was certain she'd give me a green light. She didn't. I was left shocked and confused, but I didn't let the rejection get to me. I spent time with my guy friends and left it at the motto, "Bitches, man." But oh, I was so confused! I couldn't understand why she was unwilling to commit to a relationship. I was certain she liked me! What could possibly hold her back? An hour ago, I saw Emily for the first time. Of course I've seen her in person before, but never like I saw her today. Ever since I met her, she had been hiding her face, but today she finally took off the mask for me. I might as well have looked into a mirror. The cuts in her heart matched the shape of the scars on mine. You see, nearly two years ago, Jenny left me for Skyler. Tyler left Emily for Katy a year ago today. Corny as it sounds, we were both torn to shreds by the ones we loved. The difference? I found the strength to put my pieces back together. I'm stronger today than before Jenny broke my heart, and it doesn't pain me one bit to reflect on our past relationship. I even managed to salvage our friendship before Jenny left town; we keep occasional e-mail and MSN messenger contact :) In contrast, Emily is still torn up over Tyler. She never found out how to mend her broken heart, so she just put a mask over it. She was able to get on with her life, but she wasn't the same on the inside. She was cold, bitter, and repressed her desires (and yes, I realize how sexual that sounds). She even began leading guys on--whether unintentional or not, I can't be certain--only to let them down. All this as the result of an improperly treated broken heart. And now I understand why she turned me down. Every action that ever baffled me makes sense. She hasn't gotten over Tyler. Luckily, I've been through her situation before. I know how to help her. Will I do it for my own gain? Partially, yes. I can be her supporting man, meaning I would have a girlfriend, and a very attractive one at that. Will I help Emily for her sake too? Yes. I know the pain she feels in watching the one person she loved walk away around someone else's arms, someone whom she felt must be better than her in every way, for why else would her lover leave her? I know that pain, and it kills me that she should be suffering that much. I wrote a poem about Emily a while ago. I didn't want to share it on Facebook or Myspace, since it's very personal. So, I will share it here, where I am anonymous, and Emily can never find it. It's called "Lioness". Caged and lonely lioness With beauty so mysterious I wish to set you free-- And I'll settle not for less The cage that schisms you and me, Do I hold its golden key? Or must you be in pain As I look on, helplessly? Lioness--roar--once again! For I can break the heavy chain That keeps us both apart, That binds you to your barren plains So weep not o'er your broken heart It will be mended once we start To share our loneliness And love together, heart to heart

Wow, I seriously ought to use this journal more often than I have been. Only my third entry? Geez! I think I've come quite a long way since the dilemma in creepily cryptic second journal (alleluia alliteration!), and apart from a few kinks I'm still working out, I think I've triumphed over that part of my life. Things have been going pretty smoothly for me since then. But now I've got another problem. There's this girl, you see. I think I'm gonna ask her out. No, there's no thinking about it--I AM going to ask her out. The problem isn't that I'm afraid of her turning me down; I feel confident enough she'll accept my offer. The problem is that she's a very religous person, and very devoted to her faith in Christianity. Actually, that's a poor choice of words; her strong faith isn't the problem, per se. Despite that I am more of an atheist, it's not that I care intensely about her views, for my past experiences say to me that relationships typically work best when both people involved sacrifice enough pride to accept the other. The problem is actually my best friend, Ezekiel (that's not really his name, btw). He is atheist, and I know his profound distaste for this girl. I'm worried about what he'll think of my being in a relationship with the aforementioned girl. Well, I suppose the worst he can do is be upset with me, and give me crap about it. I know he's not the type to try and spread rumors or commit similar acts of douchebaggery with intentions of splitting us apart. He'd sooner sign for his own castration than stoop to a level as low as that lol. I know he'll probably have a lot to say to me, and I can already hear this one tone of voice he gets... Still, I will persist. I'll ask the girl out tomorrow, as she is usually asleep by this hour. To tell you truth, I guess all this worrying is for naught if she says, "No," lol.

I feel very confused. I hardly know who I am anymore. I thought I was the good guy, and I had a clear enemy who was after the same goal I was. Then it hits me: my enemy wants the same thing I do. I'm HIS bad guy. I convinced myself that I had a stronger heart than he, but how can I be so sure when he and I share the same goal? I know that my friends would look at me and see that I am in the right. I fear, however, that any other outsider might look at me and see not the golden-hearted protagonist out to save the girl of his dreams, but instead see a savage, instinctive beast, a monster. Who am I? What am I? Am I the monster, or am I the hero?

I've had this account for quite a while now, but this is still my first journal entry hahaha. Well, I guess I can talk about the music I like. My tastes have changed quite a bit since I first started my account. I've left comments on songs for bands like Simple Plan, Blink-182, Sum 41, and others I really wish I could take back. Now, I prefer bands like Anti-Flag, Thrice, Rancid, Bad Religion, the list goes on. Obviously, I like the punk genre. Not that I won't listen to other types of music, it's just that I prefer punk. Yeah, I admit I used to be a poser scene kid who had no clue what he was saying when he called Fallout Boy punk rock heroes (I even liked a little bit of rap at one point...It makes me wanna bury myself to think that I used to listen to 50cent). But I am a different person now. I've got a more open view of music in general, as well as other topics. But that's enough about who I am and who I was. The coolest thing happened today! My brothers and I were walking on the side of the highway we live on, and my brother Joey found a copy of AC/DC's Back in Black album in a ditch. And it still worked, too! None of the songs skip. How awesome is that? Finding a working CD on the side of the road? Just try to tell me that that isn't awesome.